I think my mum is Autistic

Absolutely,  but I also just wanna be clear though I never thought Tulip meant anything harmful by the post. So this is in no way a call out, and I'd hate if people got the wrong impression so it's important to read the rest of the reply string for additional context, but particularly this one.

🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:

It wasn't anything you said particularly as I didn't interpret your words that way I just saw that perhaps they could be misconstrued so I wanted to cover all the bases in case it was by someone who doesn't know you are also autistic. (Sometimes I see NTs pop in here and stay a while, and I wonder if they realise most of us regulars are actually autistic rather than other NTs looking for advice.) So some (a lot) of the phrasing in the reply string is about other folks that your post reminded me of and not you specifically. Though perhaps I myself should have been more clear on that from the start... especially as I have a bad habit of using "the royal/general" "you".  Sorry Tulip.

Thank you for your messages. Many of us share similar experiences. This is not to blame, but to make sense of our lives and where we are now. 

I now understand that we suffered adverse childhood experiences. We too have "issues" although i dont like the word to describe our difficulties, challenges whatever. But through this as children, we are lovely. This experience on top of a suspected ASD has proved extremely challenging. We protected our mums feelings, respected her, but it felt that no one was looking out for us. 

At the moment i am going over it all in my head far too much, along with the realusation that there is an ASD present. I am the youngest of 6 children at 59 years old. The year i was born my brother who is 14 months older than me had meningitis. The same year father was sent to prison. Approximately 3 years later my mum went to stay in a mental home for short stay, she came home. We were placed in a childrens home. Sometime shortly after we had a couple of stays in foster care, when our mum had to go to hospital. Our home was infested with cocroaches.

My opinion for some is that undiagnosed ASD is harmful. Being told you have a petsonality disorder, social anxiety etc and repeatedly prescribed different antidepressants. What my brother needed was consistency and support. I have tried, but it is very upsetting and i am limited to what i can do. We are like the two little children still, and no one to look after us. My brother is very bright, above average IQ, but has been blighted by racing thoughts all his adult life, which has led to him isolating himself. I cant even be sure that he has taken any medication regularly in the past due to his lack of memory and organisation skills. 

I cant help but feel i have to do something. Hence pursuing an ASD diagnosis for us both. Help us make sense of what is going on. I am hopeing my brother will then be prescribed a suitable medication and recieve some type of regular support. Perhaps a CPN or something. He is 60, but i feel like he is 6. 

I read that some with an ASD feel others pain, i do terribly. I also have an urgency to make things better for others. This has proved difficult for me. X

i am sure my mother was also autistic.  She never said she loved me, never hugged me and any birthday cards received were signed 'from <name>' "because mother is my job not my name".

yes ... i have issues.

It wasn't anything you said particularly as I didn't interpret your words that way I just saw that perhaps they could be misconstrued so I wanted to cover all the bases in case it was by someone who doesn't know you are also autistic. (Sometimes I see NTs pop in here and stay a while, and I wonder if they realise most of us regulars are actually autistic rather than other NTs looking for advice.) So some (a lot) of the phrasing in the reply string is about other folks that your post reminded me of and not you specifically. Though perhaps I myself should have been more clear on that from the start... especially as I have a bad habit of using "the royal/general" "you".  Sorry Tulip.

It’s a question I’ve often asked myself, my mother was often ‘sectioned’ when I was a child and through my adult life, We have never been ‘ touchy feely’ Maybe that’s more me, I hate being touched. My late father is where I see my  autism coming from but then again autistic parents often find each other. My father would often ‘ go into one,’ that’s how it was explained to me. The meltdowns were on an epic scale, he was a genius with maths but struggled to read and write, only ever wrote in uppercase. He would only use the same plate, knife and fork, they were not the same as the normal plates and cutlery in the house . I can only remember hugging him once, he told me had terminal cancer, to be honest neither of us wanted to hug, it was what we thought should happen if that makes sense. He had an intense dislike of his mother for being cold and never showing emotion, maybe it goes back further. My grandmother would often drown kittens in a bucket of water and never show any emotion.

I am in no way saying my mothers behaviour is typical of autism, who am i to know this, and i am proof that her behaviour is not typical, because i am a very caring, supportive, loving individual. You may have mis interpreted my post. Or perhaps it was the way i wrote it. 

Hi- My mum and possibly also my Dad are autistic and I am too!  My mum is one of the kindest, most caring, sensitive and loveliest people I know. Being autistic is no excuse for cruelty or unkind behaviour. There are neurotypical and autistic people that are unkind and cruel. It has nothing to do with their neurotype. I also strongly disagree with the idea that autistic people don’t have empathy, it’s not true. Ok so people could say that autistic people might be less good at reading other people’s emotions and might therefore be more likely unintentionally offend. But even if that might be the case in some instances, there are a lot of ways around this. In my case I actually worry a lot about how people interpret what i do or say and whether I have read them correctly. Also with time you also learn what things could unintentionally be offensive- it might take a bit longer but you learn.

Being autistic is no excuse for unkindness in my opinion.

My father is an autistic parent and is a very warm and loving man.

TBH I don't like the way you say she is cruel and has a history of it, that is a huge red flag. That sounds like my mother, but she was a narcissist and an abuser not autistic, the autism runs on my father's side of the family. He's also a survivor of her abuse and as an autistic parent he was not cold at all.

I am an autistic parent and I hug my child every day because my dad was a good role model even if I only know what maternal love should look like based on the shape of the hole left in it's absence.

Unfortunately people on the spectrum often attract narcissists and end up abused because we are so vuulnerable and teh way the abuser preys on us. Please be very careful not to diagnose other people without a professional, you can self identify autistic but you cannot claim someone you know is because you are not in their shoes to know how they think and it can be dangerous to tar autistic people like that. For example it was the opinion of a licensed professional that my mother is narcissistic even though they couldn't formally diagnose her without her participation (and that is a totally seperate long story about aspects of my life I don't think I need share here.)

Anywa here's a load of vids on the topic. Because it sounds like you may have autistic family members (maybe even you yourself) who have fell victim to your mothers behaviour over the years if you have a cousin that shows traits of autism. It may be helpful to watch the vids and see if anything ressonates with your experiences and observations.

That's not to say an autistic person cannot also be a narcissist or schizophrenic, but those are not automatically synonymous with autism and are also their own separate things. I think you may want to explore other possibilities, and then re-assess with the sisters caring for her once you have more information because a hasty misdiagnosis will be as useful as a chocolate teapot to everyone involved.

Tulip,

I'm fairly sure that my late mother was autistic but didn't know.

She was a very proud women who worried endlessly about appearances. What others thought of us, or what she *thought*  they thought of us, was an all consuming concern.

Ben