Published on 12, July, 2020
I could never understand why my mum never told us she loved us never hugged us, was often cruel to us. To this day at 94 years old and being cared for very well by my sisters, she is difficult. She is a good woman but often horrible. We have been kind and caring to her and it has been very difficult. In the 1960's she had a stay in a mental hospital, we were placed in care. She was very anxious. She has been particularly cruel to my brother. She has been very anxious, has poor social skills, and an be so direct it is offensive.
We needed her. Everything is now becoming clearer.
Now i think of it, we had a severely disabled cousin, his sister shows symptoms of autism, lacks social skills, isolation
Do you have an autistic parent? X
Absolutely, but I also just wanna be clear though I never thought Tulip meant anything harmful by the post. So this is in no way a call out, and I'd hate if people got the wrong impression so it's important to read the rest of the reply string for additional context, but particularly this one.
🐝 Bees 🐝 (they/them) Autism resources in bio #stoptheshock #NothingAboutUsWithoutUs said:It wasn't anything you said particularly as I didn't interpret your words that way I just saw that perhaps they could be misconstrued so I wanted to cover all the bases in case it was by someone who doesn't know you are also autistic. (Sometimes I see NTs pop in here and stay a while, and I wonder if they realise most of us regulars are actually autistic rather than other NTs looking for advice.) So some (a lot) of the phrasing in the reply string is about other folks that your post reminded me of and not you specifically. Though perhaps I myself should have been more clear on that from the start... especially as I have a bad habit of using "the royal/general" "you". Sorry Tulip.
Thank you for your messages. Many of us share similar experiences. This is not to blame, but to make sense of our lives and where we are now.
I now understand that we suffered adverse childhood experiences. We too have "issues" although i dont like the word to describe our difficulties, challenges whatever. But through this as children, we are lovely. This experience on top of a suspected ASD has proved extremely challenging. We protected our mums feelings, respected her, but it felt that no one was looking out for us.
At the moment i am going over it all in my head far too much, along with the realusation that there is an ASD present. I am the youngest of 6 children at 59 years old. The year i was born my brother who is 14 months older than me had meningitis. The same year father was sent to prison. Approximately 3 years later my mum went to stay in a mental home for short stay, she came home. We were placed in a childrens home. Sometime shortly after we had a couple of stays in foster care, when our mum had to go to hospital. Our home was infested with cocroaches.
My opinion for some is that undiagnosed ASD is harmful. Being told you have a petsonality disorder, social anxiety etc and repeatedly prescribed different antidepressants. What my brother needed was consistency and support. I have tried, but it is very upsetting and i am limited to what i can do. We are like the two little children still, and no one to look after us. My brother is very bright, above average IQ, but has been blighted by racing thoughts all his adult life, which has led to him isolating himself. I cant even be sure that he has taken any medication regularly in the past due to his lack of memory and organisation skills.
I cant help but feel i have to do something. Hence pursuing an ASD diagnosis for us both. Help us make sense of what is going on. I am hopeing my brother will then be prescribed a suitable medication and recieve some type of regular support. Perhaps a CPN or something. He is 60, but i feel like he is 6.
I read that some with an ASD feel others pain, i do terribly. I also have an urgency to make things better for others. This has proved difficult for me. X
i am sure my mother was also autistic. She never said she loved me, never hugged me and any birthday cards received were signed 'from <name>' "because mother is my job not my name".yes ... i have issues.
It wasn't anything you said particularly as I didn't interpret your words that way I just saw that perhaps they could be misconstrued so I wanted to cover all the bases in case it was by someone who doesn't know you are also autistic. (Sometimes I see NTs pop in here and stay a while, and I wonder if they realise most of us regulars are actually autistic rather than other NTs looking for advice.) So some (a lot) of the phrasing in the reply string is about other folks that your post reminded me of and not you specifically. Though perhaps I myself should have been more clear on that from the start... especially as I have a bad habit of using "the royal/general" "you". Sorry Tulip.
It’s a question I’ve often asked myself, my mother was often ‘sectioned’ when I was a child and through my adult life, We have never been ‘ touchy feely’ Maybe that’s more me, I hate being touched. My late father is where I see my autism coming from but then again autistic parents often find each other. My father would often ‘ go into one,’ that’s how it was explained to me. The meltdowns were on an epic scale, he was a genius with maths but struggled to read and write, only ever wrote in uppercase. He would only use the same plate, knife and fork, they were not the same as the normal plates and cutlery in the house . I can only remember hugging him once, he told me had terminal cancer, to be honest neither of us wanted to hug, it was what we thought should happen if that makes sense. He had an intense dislike of his mother for being cold and never showing emotion, maybe it goes back further. My grandmother would often drown kittens in a bucket of water and never show any emotion.
I am in no way saying my mothers behaviour is typical of autism, who am i to know this, and i am proof that her behaviour is not typical, because i am a very caring, supportive, loving individual. You may have mis interpreted my post. Or perhaps it was the way i wrote it.
I'm sorry to hear that and glad to hear that about your dad getting custody.
The more I think about my mum, the more I think that she probably/possibly had NPD.
There are so many things I could tell (+ I am aware that 'we shouldn't speak ill of the dead') but I will say that the numerous affairs she had, she thought were OK and she had the relationships with the full knowledge of my dad, and also took me out with one, which I found agonising.
I must stop there as although cathartic for me, it feels disrespectful, and others won't want to read.
Anyway, your input here has been invaluable, so thanks again.
This thread has really got me thinking again as my mother was manipulative, and I remember a very speicific incident where she said something hurtful to my dad (par for the course), pretended to be upset, turned around and I was in the doorway and saw her smile.
OMG I actually have a memory that is really similar. My mother chased my father through the house (Redacted bits because it's a bit too triggering).
Yes, I can see that, and appreciate the 'word of caution'.
(Trying not to quote on here any more so my posts aren't thrown out by the Spamometer).
No, I didn't read about your nan.
I'm glad it wasn't passed on to other family members.
This thread has really got me thinking again as my mother was manipulative, and I remember a very specific incident where she said something hurtful to my dad (par for the course), pretended to be upset, turned around and I was in the doorway and saw her smile.
I take on board that you say not to diagnose someone without a professional, but people haunted by their upbringing but who are ignorant of what caused a parent to behave as they did, may always want to find an answer, as I do.
I understand that, we don't always add the nuance that "*disclaimer this is highly suspected and not officially diagnosed" but I added the warning about the way we present that information because some things already have their own stigma and don't need to have the stigma of another condition thrown on top to confuse things. Especially considering the damaging history of misdiagnosis. It's not meant to discredit or dismiss anyones suspicions just to gently remind folks to be cautious and not make these conclusions too quickly just because we want or need a kind of closure.
However, 2 or 3 conditions in one person aren't impossible, and might explain why she is the oddest person I have ever known.
Nah I get it, I'm at least a 5 card Royal flush of neurdivergences myself. Did you happen to catch my reply in another thread btw where I talked about my nan? She had quite a big scary co-occuring condition of epilepsy, but that's proven to have not been passed down to any of her nigh hundred of decendants thankfully. But that is why I said it's still possible OPs mum could still be autistic, but I feel the need to point out to people a lot these days that it's not a package deal. Because everyone I meet irl who finds ut I'm autistic hits me with but you don't also have ______ .
I've just watched the 1st of those videos.
Thank you for that.
My autistic friend who knew my mother, and is very knowledgable and who was once a psychiatric nurse, did originally say that he thought my mother might have/had Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Also, it wasn't just the upbringing, but my mother's behaviour towards me all my life, especially when I was her carer, that have me constantly agonising over this.
The video I watched described my mother to a 'T' but without quite a few additonal behaviours (including delusions), so I'm lost now, and it must always remain an unknown.
It couldn't have been known during her lifetime as she wouldn't seek medical help for anything and blamed her family for all her issues.
I do appreciate your input here and if the genetics are a high component in the likelihood of autism, and if my mother wasn't autistic, it's got me examining my father.
Hi- My mum and possibly also my Dad are autistic and I am too! My mum is one of the kindest, most caring, sensitive and loveliest people I know. Being autistic is no excuse for cruelty or unkind behaviour. There are neurotypical and autistic people that are unkind and cruel. It has nothing to do with their neurotype. I also strongly disagree with the idea that autistic people don’t have empathy, it’s not true. Ok so people could say that autistic people might be less good at reading other people’s emotions and might therefore be more likely unintentionally offend. But even if that might be the case in some instances, there are a lot of ways around this. In my case I actually worry a lot about how people interpret what i do or say and whether I have read them correctly. Also with time you also learn what things could unintentionally be offensive- it might take a bit longer but you learn.
Being autistic is no excuse for unkindness in my opinion.
My father is an autistic parent and is a very warm and loving man.TBH I don't like the way you say she is cruel and has a history of it, that is a huge red flag. That sounds like my mother, but she was a narcissist and an abuser not autistic, the autism runs on my father's side of the family. He's also a survivor of her abuse and as an autistic parent he was not cold at all.I am an autistic parent and I hug my child every day because my dad was a good role model even if I only know what maternal love should look like based on the shape of the hole left in it's absence.Unfortunately people on the spectrum often attract narcissists and end up abused because we are so vuulnerable and teh way the abuser preys on us. Please be very careful not to diagnose other people without a professional, you can self identify autistic but you cannot claim someone you know is because you are not in their shoes to know how they think and it can be dangerous to tar autistic people like that. For example it was the opinion of a licensed professional that my mother is narcissistic even though they couldn't formally diagnose her without her participation (and that is a totally seperate long story about aspects of my life I don't think I need share here.)Anywa here's a load of vids on the topic. Because it sounds like you may have autistic family members (maybe even you yourself) who have fell victim to your mothers behaviour over the years if you have a cousin that shows traits of autism. It may be helpful to watch the vids and see if anything ressonates with your experiences and observations.That's not to say an autistic person cannot also be a narcissist or schizophrenic, but those are not automatically synonymous with autism and are also their own separate things. I think you may want to explore other possibilities, and then re-assess with the sisters caring for her once you have more information because a hasty misdiagnosis will be as useful as a chocolate teapot to everyone involved.
I think about this a lot since I self-diagnoused as autistic. They both could be because both seem very odd. Mom is abusive, controlling, bullied us, harrased us couldn't have any empathy or any care for us even when we were sick or in need for help. I refuse to connect these terrible qualities to autism, but mixed with PTSD and terrible parenting when she was young, it might be the case. My dad is odd in his own way too. I really can't tell who of them is the autistic one, but dad seems like a better fit. Mom behaves like a sociopath or a narcissist. What a combination. there's also an option that a person didn't inherit autism from anyone, right?
Tulip,
I'm fairly sure that my late mother was autistic but didn't know.
She was a very proud women who worried endlessly about appearances. What others thought of us, or what she *thought* they thought of us, was an all consuming concern.
Ben
An intersting read Debbie, thanks for posting it.
Like you I feel sure my late mother was ASD'
I love the rather cynical poem by Philip Larkin: This Be The Verse, and especially these lines:
Thank you, i had wondered about gene mutation.
A gene mutation has been confirmed in my family, Keratin Gene. I had DNA testing to confirm this.
I confess I haven't yet read this article but I just found it and thought others might like to read about genetics and autism:
https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/autism-genetics-explained/
I think my late mum was autistic too.
There was something else going on so maybe Schizoaffective Disorder.
She sounds quite similar to your mum.
She never told us she loved us - in fact she told us she hadn't wanted us.
She was a product of the era where women had very little choice in contraception and really wasn't at all suited to being a parent.
I think about her a lot now, mention her quite often I think here on the forum, and am constantly trying to unravel her.
She was a very odd woman indeed.
Coming to this realisation is a good thing for you I think as it gives you a context for understanding her.