Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently going through a strange ordeal for the second time in my life, and I am wondering whether anybody else here has ever experienced anything like it. I suspect that it could be an LGB-specific issue (you will see why below), although I would be interested to learn if this is not the case.
I have an NT friend with autistic traits, the traits he has are ones I also have. I have a moderate attraction to him (which has never bothered him), though I am not sure how relevant that is to the problem, as I mentioned above. I have known him for nearly a decade, and have always considered him to be in a worse position in life than me, until recently. When some recent changes in his life meant I no longer felt that he was worse off than me, it was like something flipped in my head, and almost overnight I started obsessing over every detail of his life, wishing that it were mine. I have become fixated on obtaining as much information about everything he does as I can (as much as I can without him realising what I am doing), and that information then becomes intrusive thoughts about his successes and my failures. My self-esteem, which I thought was in the "could be worse" category before, has completely collapsed. I suddenly feel that the only way I could be valid would be to become what he is. I am also now experiencing anxiety over the possibility of the friend abandoning me, which has never been a concern for me before with this friend.
This is the second time this has happened. It previously happened with someone else (to whom I also had a moderate attraction) about 15 years ago when I was a student, and the difference then was that I immediately considered the friend who was involved on that occasion to be in a better position in life than me as soon as I met him, therefore the obsession with his life started immediately without me knowing him for years first. I remember feeling strongly that this friend was a better version of me, a vision of what I could have been if I were less autistic (and not gay).
Has anyone known anything like this before? I am assuming that it is a symptom of extremely low self-esteem. I am not sure whether it can only happen with friends who are the same gender as me (who I can therefore compare myself with more directly than a person of a different gender), and I am not sure whether it can only happen with friends who I am attracted to. I wish that I knew how to make it stop.
Hello,
This is interesting . It's like there are many emotions all rolled up in one . Do you admire them, are you envious of them are you attracted to their position in life , do you want to be them ?
If they leave , if they leave. We have to accept there are things in this world ... well , almost everything that we have absolutely no control over and it will do whatever it's going to do to us regardless of your thoughts and feelings . It's far easier said than done but in the end you will only damage yourself .
I can become very fixated on people . Some people I want to possess and keep in a glass container to keep them untouched , pure and pristine so they belong to me to admire . I have also followed people . I sometimes 'Switch off ' and disassociate . It feels as though someone is piloting me and I have disappeared somewhere .
I have spoken to my GP about this and I know it's potentially dangerous so I've learnt to avoid people . I don't care about the people I fixate on , I struggle to feel anything at all towards people . I don't get upset about it , it's who I am but who I am shouldn't mean I intrude in other people's lives so I keep away .
Maybe It would help you be kinder to yourself . Do you feel low self esteem ? What can you do to help yourself and make yourself better ? There will always be people worse off or better than you, so what ? they don't care that you care. What can you do for you ? What can you do to improve yourself and your surroundings ?
I really hope things work out for you and you're feeling better soon
I have a guess that you don't have such a boring life, but I might be wrong. You know it better than I do.
Feeling like being born again until I forget five minutes later . I like the contradiction between how freeing the idea is and how short it lasts. I think about "what am I going to do with the gift of life that I've been given?" for hours and days without finding a satisfying answer. As if it's such a precious gift that whatever I could do with it is just not good enough.. then not taking it so seriously becomes my escape.. for a while as you said :D
I'm glad that it helped for a bit. I experience times when It crosses my mind to compare myself to others, my life to others lives, but I try to manoeuvre the thought as I described above. I genuinely think that no one who's given my life circumstances could have created a more meaningful life for me than the one I've had so far, which is all what matters to me. I've never experienced an obsessive thought about certain person tho.
Love how you’ve put all that. Definitely for my own reasons needed to read words like that tonight. While seriousness is deeply agreeable to the soul, balance is so vital too to be healthy. I sometimes forget not to take myself seriously and when I remember… it’s like being born again. Until I forget five, ten minutes later. Tgat movie thing is so helpful. I mean god help anyone (oh, me, I suppose) who has to sit through the boredom of mine. But the general point/strategy is so helpful!
Thank you for this lovely post, I'm going to take it to sleep with me and think about how I would judge me in the movie of my life. When you say you wish you knew how to make it stop too, do you mean that you have experienced what I describe before?
I wish I knew how to make it stop too. I'm not sure what sort of symptom this is. I do look back at my life and think how could it possibly be different.. people my age have cars, kids or even started paying for a house or found a life partner. I don't have any of that. When I take a second look at my life tho, with more understanding eyes without judgement just observing it as if I'm watching a movie of someone's life, I can totally see why I'm not ready to have any of those things that others already have. If you started looking at your life as a movie of someone's else's life, starting with childhood, family, culture, genes, experiences and the feelings involved in them and all what shaped your decisions, your future, can you see that you did only what best you could do at that time? Do you have some admiration or understanding to what you managed to make out of the life that you have? I really hope that you do.
Also, I try to not take my life so seriously. Easier said than done.