Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently going through a strange ordeal for the second time in my life, and I am wondering whether anybody else here has ever experienced anything like it. I suspect that it could be an LGB-specific issue (you will see why below), although I would be interested to learn if this is not the case.
I have an NT friend with autistic traits, the traits he has are ones I also have. I have a moderate attraction to him (which has never bothered him), though I am not sure how relevant that is to the problem, as I mentioned above. I have known him for nearly a decade, and have always considered him to be in a worse position in life than me, until recently. When some recent changes in his life meant I no longer felt that he was worse off than me, it was like something flipped in my head, and almost overnight I started obsessing over every detail of his life, wishing that it were mine. I have become fixated on obtaining as much information about everything he does as I can (as much as I can without him realising what I am doing), and that information then becomes intrusive thoughts about his successes and my failures. My self-esteem, which I thought was in the "could be worse" category before, has completely collapsed. I suddenly feel that the only way I could be valid would be to become what he is. I am also now experiencing anxiety over the possibility of the friend abandoning me, which has never been a concern for me before with this friend.
This is the second time this has happened. It previously happened with someone else (to whom I also had a moderate attraction) about 15 years ago when I was a student, and the difference then was that I immediately considered the friend who was involved on that occasion to be in a better position in life than me as soon as I met him, therefore the obsession with his life started immediately without me knowing him for years first. I remember feeling strongly that this friend was a better version of me, a vision of what I could have been if I were less autistic (and not gay).
Has anyone known anything like this before? I am assuming that it is a symptom of extremely low self-esteem. I am not sure whether it can only happen with friends who are the same gender as me (who I can therefore compare myself with more directly than a person of a different gender), and I am not sure whether it can only happen with friends who I am attracted to. I wish that I knew how to make it stop.
Hello,
This is interesting . It's like there are many emotions all rolled up in one . Do you admire them, are you envious of them are you attracted to their position in life , do you want to be them ?
If they leave , if they leave. We have to accept there are things in this world ... well , almost everything that we have absolutely no control over and it will do whatever it's going to do to us regardless of your thoughts and feelings . It's far easier said than done but in the end you will only damage yourself .
I can become very fixated on people . Some people I want to possess and keep in a glass container to keep them untouched , pure and pristine so they belong to me to admire . I have also followed people . I sometimes 'Switch off ' and disassociate . It feels as though someone is piloting me and I have disappeared somewhere .
I have spoken to my GP about this and I know it's potentially dangerous so I've learnt to avoid people . I don't care about the people I fixate on , I struggle to feel anything at all towards people . I don't get upset about it , it's who I am but who I am shouldn't mean I intrude in other people's lives so I keep away .
Maybe It would help you be kinder to yourself . Do you feel low self esteem ? What can you do to help yourself and make yourself better ? There will always be people worse off or better than you, so what ? they don't care that you care. What can you do for you ? What can you do to improve yourself and your surroundings ?
I really hope things work out for you and you're feeling better soon