Published on 12, July, 2020
I am currently going through a strange ordeal for the second time in my life, and I am wondering whether anybody else here has ever experienced anything like it. I suspect that it could be an LGB-specific issue (you will see why below), although I would be interested to learn if this is not the case.
I have an NT friend with autistic traits, the traits he has are ones I also have. I have a moderate attraction to him (which has never bothered him), though I am not sure how relevant that is to the problem, as I mentioned above. I have known him for nearly a decade, and have always considered him to be in a worse position in life than me, until recently. When some recent changes in his life meant I no longer felt that he was worse off than me, it was like something flipped in my head, and almost overnight I started obsessing over every detail of his life, wishing that it were mine. I have become fixated on obtaining as much information about everything he does as I can (as much as I can without him realising what I am doing), and that information then becomes intrusive thoughts about his successes and my failures. My self-esteem, which I thought was in the "could be worse" category before, has completely collapsed. I suddenly feel that the only way I could be valid would be to become what he is. I am also now experiencing anxiety over the possibility of the friend abandoning me, which has never been a concern for me before with this friend.
This is the second time this has happened. It previously happened with someone else (to whom I also had a moderate attraction) about 15 years ago when I was a student, and the difference then was that I immediately considered the friend who was involved on that occasion to be in a better position in life than me as soon as I met him, therefore the obsession with his life started immediately without me knowing him for years first. I remember feeling strongly that this friend was a better version of me, a vision of what I could have been if I were less autistic (and not gay).
Has anyone known anything like this before? I am assuming that it is a symptom of extremely low self-esteem. I am not sure whether it can only happen with friends who are the same gender as me (who I can therefore compare myself with more directly than a person of a different gender), and I am not sure whether it can only happen with friends who I am attracted to. I wish that I knew how to make it stop.
I wish I knew how to make it stop too. I'm not sure what sort of symptom this is. I do look back at my life and think how could it possibly be different.. people my age have cars, kids or even started paying for a house or found a life partner. I don't have any of that. When I take a second look at my life tho, with more understanding eyes without judgement just observing it as if I'm watching a movie of someone's life, I can totally see why I'm not ready to have any of those things that others already have. If you started looking at your life as a movie of someone's else's life, starting with childhood, family, culture, genes, experiences and the feelings involved in them and all what shaped your decisions, your future, can you see that you did only what best you could do at that time? Do you have some admiration or understanding to what you managed to make out of the life that you have? I really hope that you do.
Also, I try to not take my life so seriously. Easier said than done.
Love how you’ve put all that. Definitely for my own reasons needed to read words like that tonight. While seriousness is deeply agreeable to the soul, balance is so vital too to be healthy. I sometimes forget not to take myself seriously and when I remember… it’s like being born again. Until I forget five, ten minutes later. Tgat movie thing is so helpful. I mean god help anyone (oh, me, I suppose) who has to sit through the boredom of mine. But the general point/strategy is so helpful!
Thank you for this lovely post, I'm going to take it to sleep with me and think about how I would judge me in the movie of my life. When you say you wish you knew how to make it stop too, do you mean that you have experienced what I describe before?