Published on 12, July, 2020
I (41, straight mostly cis-gendered male) found out I’m autistic under 2 months ago when a friend that is a psychologist and also autistic told me. I was formally diagnosed under 3 weeks ago with the report saying that I’m high functioning. This process began because I have a history of being in abusive relationships with covert narcissistic women, which caused me to seek therapy from a psychologist that specializes in narcissistic relationships. Through that, I kept asking questions as to why I keep ending up in these, which lead to the revelation that I’m autistic. The other part of why is that my father was an abusive textbook narcissistic personality disorder, so that felt comfortable to me in relationships until the abuse became intolerable. However, the vast majority of my long-term friends are autistic. The ones that aren’t autistic are military veterans like me, so there’s a shared understanding that makes it easy to be autistic around them. They also tend to be stoic, aren’t offended easily, blunt, and are more concerned with results than interpersonal norms.
My concern now is related to dating. I would very much like to date, find a long-term partner, and start a family. I know I’m a good partner because most of my exes said they wish they had treated me better and the preliminary autism report states, “He has struggled to find a romantic partner that is worthy of him, but he is working through negative relationship patterns and trauma in his current therapy. Based on the current evaluation and observation, [All My Friends Are Autistic] is judged to have excellent potential as a good, kind, generous relationship partner if he chooses the right woman. It is recommended that he continue to work on this in therapy, and have his friends 'vet' any potential girlfriends to detect negative characteristics and cues that he may miss.”
Considering my close friends are autistic, perhaps I would match better with an autistic woman, which I have never knowingly dated. I told my autistic friend’s wife (she’s NT and also a psychologist) that I was considering only dating autistic women, and she said that I would get bored because apparently I like spicy women. She said it lovingly and focused on my preferences, not speaking poorly of autistic people, and consider that she herself is married to an autistic man. But, I’m worried about dating a NT because of my previous relationships. I could see advantages to it since they would bring strengths to the relationship that I am lacking in, while I would add my autistic strengths to the relationship as well, making us a solid team. However, I’m worried about being taken advantage of again.
The other piece of this puzzle is that I terminated my two-year relationship with my narcissistic ex a few months ago. During the relationship, she ensured that I lost the majority of my social group and depended on her friends and family to socialize so she could manipulate me better. They function as a predatory pack. It's disgusting, but it's also over. Anyway, that means that I don’t have a social group at the moment. I recently signed up for an autistic support program through a local university that has social meetups. I also found a meetup.com for aspies in my city. I was betting on growing my social circle through them, but considering that my friend said that I wouldn’t match well with an autistic woman, I’m now having doubts of finding a romantic partner in said avenues.
Any thoughts on this? Any advice? Anyone been through something similar? What are you experiences with dating NTs versus autistic people?
Haha is this why you started the discussion about sex reputation of autistic people?
Again in this discussion it seems like you are looking for an easy answer, a stereotype. It simply doesn't exist.
Regarding the autistic sex post: I have been told I'm a bit wild. However, I learned that I'm autistic very recently, so that wasn't the driving factor. The driving factor was a post on reddit where someone made a post about hunting for autistic women because they had a reputation of being wild in bed, along with many comments agreeing with OP. It made me wonder, so I started the discussion on autistic sex reputation to see if it was a commonly held idea.
You're right. I am looking for a simple answer, but I am reminded that reality is more nuanced. I acknowledge that my social awareness and ideas are not perfectly aligned with modern norms. I appreciate the safe space and responses because it helps me think things through to a more reasonable conclusion rather than acting out on stereotypes and what not. This forum is a good way to keep me in check, and the responses to my possibly unintentionally offensive questions are quite helpful at adjusting my way of thinking and behaviors. After all, I am autistic and clearly have some difficulties in the social field. I mean no offense or harm, soley trying to navigate this world.
I think the question isn't dating autistic or not autistic woman. It's about your needs, lifestyle, ambitions, personality ext .. I can relate very well to being in unhealthy relationships, my mom was a narcissist after all. I don't think that simply dating an autistic person would magically save me from abuse. Anyone can be an abuser. The abuser can be autistic, psychologist, social worker, philosopher, human rights activists, a nurse or belong to any group of who might seem like abuse wouldn't fit their stereotype. I fell for this before myself telling myself "oh my partner is autistic, he can't lie! I must be imagining it" Well he lied a lot. "Oh my partner is a feminist, she can't be unfair to me, I must be imagining it" well.. "oh she's an activist, seems very well educated and knowledgeable, she can't be manipulative, I must be imagining it". Well, I learned the hard way that no one is immune to being an abuser or manipulater, and it's not the important question. The important question to ask the self "how do I feel around this person?" And believe what you answer yourself over any fact about this person that might make your feelings "nonsense". It doesn't matter if it's nonsense or not, what matters is how you feel around your possible future partner. They might be amazing but can't make YOU feel understood, cared for. They might have a very strong sense for justice but can't make YOU feel like things are fair in the relationship. They might know all about trauma and psychology but YOU just see yourself falling more and more in depression with them. Your feelings don't have to make sense to be true, just believe them even if the brain says "but this doesn't make sense, they can't be doing that because they are this and that!", well since your gut says that it feels like it's happening to you, then it doesn't matter if they actually are doing it to you or not.
I have created sort of "phases plan" while meeting others to simply protect myself. Phase one "stranger" which is about 5 face-to-face meetings. Here I just need to focus on my gut feeling while I'm talking to them, and I need to make sure that this isn't a racist, sexist, homophobic or a regressive person in anyway. After 5 successful meetings "potential friend" phase starts, this is usually when others start to reveal their true intentions behind spending time with you "friendship, sex, work interest, money borrowing, romantic interest or maybe they call you when they feel lonely and bored but nothing deeper than that...". I'd still focus on my feelings around the person and on my needs. How possibly a relationship with them could be good for me?. I decide wether to start a romantic relationship with someone or not long time after meeting them (some time after we actually become friends). I need to make sure that I have consistently felt good around them without sudden changes. Abusers can make you feel amazing for a while but once they sense your trust in them, the true face appears, keep an eye on how you feel around others even if you already trust them specially if you know them and actively meet them for less than a year. If there's unexplained sudden change, well don't blame yourself for it, instead consider re-evaluation of the trust that you gave them. In the very first few meetings with someone "stranger", a simple comment that makes me uncomfortable is enough for me to never see them again. I don't give someone in the stranger phase any chances. One person asked me in the first meeting "do you ever wear makeup?" Which might be very innocent question but it felt intrusive to me and it was enough to not waste my time with a stranger who already made me feel uncomfortable once. In the potential friend phase I'd give them a chance and maybe talk and explain, but the second time my gut tells me "it doesn't feel good around this person" I'd just stop seeing them, they aren't a friend uet after all. I actually have a journal and I write how it felt around someone after we have met. It helps me organise my thoughts and reveals my feelings to me. It helps me to make decisions and protect myself.
You might feel amazing and continue to feel amazing around an NT and might find and abuser who's an Aspie (I did). So don't look for the easy answer, people are individuals and they are really different. The only compass you can rely on in finding a partner is your feelings.
Thank you. This is what I needed to hear.
I can totally understand where you're coming from. The thing is that we can't change anyone. When you get the urge to help in this way again, reminde yourself that you will simply fail while in the meantime get hurt. It's their job to heal themselves and yours is to heal yourself. It's not just about dividing tasks or being selfish, it's the only way that the healing could work anyway. I used to fall for people who are emotionally unaware or unavailable, someone who simply can't love me back and my motivation was to "fix it". Whenever I was treated poorly, instead of taking care of myself I'd feel compassionate with them and tell myself "poor thing never experienced true love that's why doesn't know how to show it. I'll be nicer, more loving, more understanding and eventually they'll change and we would be happy". It's what psychologists explain as creating a phantasy when we were children to help us cope with the lack of love from our parents. The phantasy says exactly that "if I'd be nicer to mama, mama would eventually love me". Unfortunately, it's a creation of a child's brain that has nothing to do with the reality because mama and my ex partner simply aren't capable of love and there's nothing I can change about it no matter how much I want to help them, I can't. Another very important thing to keep in mind, once you tell yourself "oh I'll be very loving and they will change and then we will be happy", that this statement means that you aren't happy now with who they are and the happiness of the relationship is on hold until your partner changes. Stick to people that you don't need them to change, to people who make you happy NOW and not in the imaginary future.
I don't know if my way to meeting new people is passive. I think all I can do to get to know someone is to carefully listen to them and myself before I decide what's next. I'll have to wait until I see who they are and I'm not sure of there's another way to do it.
“The important question to ask the self 'how do I feel around this person?' And believe what you answer yourself over any fact about this person that might make your feelings 'nonsense'. It doesn't matter if it's nonsense or not, what matters is how you feel around your possible future partner.” This sums up what my therapist taught me though 8 sessions. This is exactly was every victim of abuse needs to hear. You have a great way of summarizing relationships wisdom.
I really like and appreciate your dating advice, especially the parts about how to re-evaluate the trust you give them if things change rather than blame yourself for causing the problem. Trusting my gut is also something my therapist insisted on teaching me, so it’s helpful to hear it again.
I find your phases approach appealing and am interested in implementing something similar that feels more comfortable to me. I may be misunderstanding an aspect of it, and would like further discussion. To me, it seems a bit passive, almost as if you’re waiting for them to show you why you should exclude them. It reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld in the sitcom. “She had man hands.” I guess maybe the whole point of dating that I’ve been missing is that I’m not as selective as I should be, and instead become too compassionate and accommodating. I’m naturally a person that cares for the marginalized, weak, and underdogs. “Oh, your dad was really mean to you and that’s why you treat men poorly? Well, I’m going to show you how well a man can treat you so you could learn it’s not all men.” The outcome of that is that I treat her like a goddess while I get treated like garbage. Hmm...the gears of insight are running right now.