Published on 12, July, 2020
I (41, straight mostly cis-gendered male) found out I’m autistic under 2 months ago when a friend that is a psychologist and also autistic told me. I was formally diagnosed under 3 weeks ago with the report saying that I’m high functioning. This process began because I have a history of being in abusive relationships with covert narcissistic women, which caused me to seek therapy from a psychologist that specializes in narcissistic relationships. Through that, I kept asking questions as to why I keep ending up in these, which lead to the revelation that I’m autistic. The other part of why is that my father was an abusive textbook narcissistic personality disorder, so that felt comfortable to me in relationships until the abuse became intolerable. However, the vast majority of my long-term friends are autistic. The ones that aren’t autistic are military veterans like me, so there’s a shared understanding that makes it easy to be autistic around them. They also tend to be stoic, aren’t offended easily, blunt, and are more concerned with results than interpersonal norms.
My concern now is related to dating. I would very much like to date, find a long-term partner, and start a family. I know I’m a good partner because most of my exes said they wish they had treated me better and the preliminary autism report states, “He has struggled to find a romantic partner that is worthy of him, but he is working through negative relationship patterns and trauma in his current therapy. Based on the current evaluation and observation, [All My Friends Are Autistic] is judged to have excellent potential as a good, kind, generous relationship partner if he chooses the right woman. It is recommended that he continue to work on this in therapy, and have his friends 'vet' any potential girlfriends to detect negative characteristics and cues that he may miss.”
Considering my close friends are autistic, perhaps I would match better with an autistic woman, which I have never knowingly dated. I told my autistic friend’s wife (she’s NT and also a psychologist) that I was considering only dating autistic women, and she said that I would get bored because apparently I like spicy women. She said it lovingly and focused on my preferences, not speaking poorly of autistic people, and consider that she herself is married to an autistic man. But, I’m worried about dating a NT because of my previous relationships. I could see advantages to it since they would bring strengths to the relationship that I am lacking in, while I would add my autistic strengths to the relationship as well, making us a solid team. However, I’m worried about being taken advantage of again.
The other piece of this puzzle is that I terminated my two-year relationship with my narcissistic ex a few months ago. During the relationship, she ensured that I lost the majority of my social group and depended on her friends and family to socialize so she could manipulate me better. They function as a predatory pack. It's disgusting, but it's also over. Anyway, that means that I don’t have a social group at the moment. I recently signed up for an autistic support program through a local university that has social meetups. I also found a meetup.com for aspies in my city. I was betting on growing my social circle through them, but considering that my friend said that I wouldn’t match well with an autistic woman, I’m now having doubts of finding a romantic partner in said avenues.
Any thoughts on this? Any advice? Anyone been through something similar? What are you experiences with dating NTs versus autistic people?
Haha is this why you started the discussion about sex reputation of autistic people?
Again in this discussion it seems like you are looking for an easy answer, a stereotype. It simply doesn't exist.
Regarding the autistic sex post: I have been told I'm a bit wild. However, I learned that I'm autistic very recently, so that wasn't the driving factor. The driving factor was a post on reddit where someone made a post about hunting for autistic women because they had a reputation of being wild in bed, along with many comments agreeing with OP. It made me wonder, so I started the discussion on autistic sex reputation to see if it was a commonly held idea.
You're right. I am looking for a simple answer, but I am reminded that reality is more nuanced. I acknowledge that my social awareness and ideas are not perfectly aligned with modern norms. I appreciate the safe space and responses because it helps me think things through to a more reasonable conclusion rather than acting out on stereotypes and what not. This forum is a good way to keep me in check, and the responses to my possibly unintentionally offensive questions are quite helpful at adjusting my way of thinking and behaviors. After all, I am autistic and clearly have some difficulties in the social field. I mean no offense or harm, soley trying to navigate this world.