Therapy stories

Interesting, thank you for sharing. Seems like a bit of a ‘rare breed.’

I had a blind therapist once. He wasn't very helpful* but I did enjoy not having to think about making eye contact.

*Nothing to do with his blindness, we just didn't click.

Sadly the time limit rule is necessary, but I can see how that would be stressful with processing time. Some therapists might offer typed therapy though, as HP35 has described above - what are your thoughts on that? That would also relieve the stress connected with sitting face-to-face. If you prefer a spoken medium, do you think online therapy could work for you? If you find an autistic therapist they might feel similarly about eye contact and some might let you have your camera off. I'm blind and hoping to train as a therapast, so very much hope seeing the client isn't absolutely necessary.

And I can relate to the money thing, I've wondered about that in the past and struggled with thinking, 'But they wouldn't spend time with me if it wasn't for the money' etc. Finding someone you really trust and can explore a deep therapeutic relationship with can really help move towards alleviating that, in my experience. 

Absolutely 100%, totally relate to all of this. 

I find many things about therapy don't suit me. The time limit for example, I'm a very slow processor of words and discussions and the time ticking just pressures me to process quicker and usually it has the opposite effect. Second is the fact that we sit face to face and all attention is on me, the therapist is looking at me for full 50 minutes! It creates anxiety. The fact that I pay them for what they do, as I mentioned before, makes me question the authenticity of their words and actions with me. I wonder, for example, if the therapist knows about my needs and thinks that we are a good match or if just keeping me there for the paycheck? And stuff like that. I realise on the other hand that those rules are necessary, specially the money one, although none of them really suits me, they seem present in all therapies. On the other hand, even tho I delt with all those difficulties, I still thought that the outcome of the therapies that I've done was generally positive.

I can relate to this. I used to confuse those feelings with romantic feelings since it's very hard for me to tell which is what. I need to know that I'm safe and no judgement has been created even in their private brain. If I can't sense that, I just won't feel safe since it includes money paid to them, I'm usually worried that it's the only reason they are listening. I do need to feel some authentic compassion and I think it's part of the healing process. 

While professional distance and boundaries are important to keeping both client and therapist safe, I have to disagree about it being irrelevant what they're like as a person and whether or not you like them. I used to think of therapy as a space to articulate and make sense of things I couldn't talk about elsewhere - and of course that's part of it. But since working with a therapist with whom I share important aspects of identity, I've realised that (at least for me) the relationship between us is the most important and healing part of our work. Having said that, I do feel very attached to them and that comes with its own complexities. I so much wish we could be close and that I could be here for them too, and the fact that's not possible is painful.      

Having an autistic therapist is the best mental health support experience I've had (in several years therapy with different people). Worth checking out the Neurodivergent Therapists Directory if you think that's something you'd like to explore. And I'm sorry about your coach - that level of self-absorption and not letting you speak is definitely not ok  

I've never been able to get along with therapy. I spend a few weeks telling the therapist absolutely everything that's on my mind and after a few weeks they start saying things like "I think we've gone as far as we can" or "maybe you'll never be ready to open up," usually right around the one where I think "great, I've told them absolutely everything going on with me, maybe we can start the actual therapy part now?"

They often seem confused and often try to ascribe thoughts to me that I don't have. E.g. assuming that I feel anxious in crowded places because of low self-esteem, rather than because I'm scared of being trapped in sensory hell or not being able to meet my basic needs of food/rest/shelter/toilet/water etc.

I've found typed therapy (through Qwell.io) marginally more helpful, as obviously typing and reading is a lot faster than speaking and listening, so at least I can get all the information across within a time limited session, and it's easier to understand what they're saying back without having to focus on doing the "noise to words" translation necessary with spoken English. You only get a few sessions though, and I haven't found any private providers willing to do typed therapy.

I don't know what the therapy secret is. It feels like there's some way you're supposed to interact with it that isn't just being open and honest, but no one has told me what that is.

I haven't managed to find an autistic therapist, but I wonder if that would be better? I did try an autistic coach but he just talked about himself and I couldn't get a word in edgewise.

That’s how I feel all the time, I understand. 

Thank you for explaining. I've been accused of being extremely sensitive my whole life. I agree, I am. Sometimes it's hard to tell if I'm being too sensitive and expecting too much from people around me or if it's actually not ok for them to behave in that certain way. In most situations most people tell me that It's the first case. It doesn't matter maybe, the result is the same anyway. 

Sorry Ree, I didn’t mean to be insensitive. I went down my own avenue there and hadn’t meant it to sound like a counterpoint but I can see how it did. 
 
And I’ve had that kind of thing too, causing me invisible distress. A colleague who whistles  cheerfully after casually relaying something he knows will discomfort or upset me. So I get it. 
 
Oddly enough, I do remember my therapist starting to sing as I was putting in my coat one time. But I think there was some mutual sense that it had been a cathartic or ‘breakthrough’ session and she let her pleasure in that feeling show a little despite knowing I was not in a markedly better place, just…unburdened. But it could have hit me differently on another day. We are often sensitive people as autistics. Not ‘unduly’ so in my opinion, it’s the rest of the world that seems a bit lacking there. But that’s how the world keeps turning. 

Thank you for answering this. I don't expect therapists to keep thinking about what we tell them. I find it insensitive to sing or whistle happily knowing that a very distressed person who has been pouring their heart out to you can hear it.  I was 2 minutes from leaving the place and I wouldn't mind if she did so afterwards. 

I had a moment with my therapist where I hadn’t yet driven off after the session (I was connecting my phone to the cigarette lighter or something before getting going) and glanced in the rear view mirror for a second only to see her stepping towards what must have been her own car some spaces back. She was on her mobile phone, to a partner, a friend, a family member, a takeaway.. who knows? Nothing wrong with that, and I drove off seconds later after completing my technical jiggers pokery. But I realised it had made me feel oddly alarmed to see her outside of the inner sanctum of her office. Taking the nonsense I’d shared out into the world with her. I brought it up with her the following week, saying ‘I’m a bit weird to have had that thought/feeling’ (after all she’s not a hologramatic Doctor who exists in one structure or something) but she said that not only was it normal but she’d had it with her own therapist not long before, when his car ended up behind hers some of the way home and she couldn’t relax despite the irrationality of that and her own professional wisdom that ‘should’ have grounded her.

Just shows that we’re all flawed and that somehow helped to hear that she could relate. Also, I fully realised that once she’d left the building my stuff I’ve said was no more interesting for her to think about or disclose (against the rules anyway) than a blocked pipe would be to a plumber. ‘You want to have seen this sink I had to fix today…’ Doesn’t happen does it?! 

Thank you for your reply. Yes, she knows that I'm autistic even tho I myself found out about it just about 5 weeks ago. Before this finding, I thought that the therapy was ok. After I found out, my whole view to the therapy itself has changed!. I started to realise that it might not be the fit for me only afterwards which confuses me.

I might have been stuck in evaluating her as a person instead of a professional, but I think the main reason is my fear of judgement. At the end, they are paid to show me no judgement and this doesn't mean that they don't have any. That's where I started trying to get more sense of the person as person and not just a professional, in order make sure that I'm safe there. I'm pouring my heart out there you know..

I guess that you are right, she seems like she has no idea how to deal with people on the spectrum and that's probably why I feel misunderstood and probably why I don't understand her questions or intentions behind the questions. I already asked her to be direct with her questions and expressions but nothing about her language has changed. When I struggle with words, she seems not to understand that I lack the skill of being able to talk at all times. When I'm anxious, I can't initiate any sort of talk or interaction with her and I sometimes don't know how to name my feeling or express it properly, she seems to be so confused about what is happening as if she goes through the situation for the first time in her life. She seems like she doesn't know what to do and doesn't really understand that I have no idea how to name this feeling or express it or calm myself down and that I do need help to figure all that out..

Does the therapist know you are autistic?

I'm kind of understanding both sides here. Yes, therapy is just what they do for a living and in that sense you are one more client. They have to chill out with a whistle and a cupper, because there will be someone else who might have some awful things to reveal in the next session. It doesn't mean they don't care, it's just that they need professional detachment to stay sane themselves. It's probably best to view a therapist a bit like taking a car to a mechanic. If they know what they are doing they can help you get back on the road, but we don't spend time contemplating what kind of person they are because that's irrelevant.

That said, I totally get what you are saying. The stakes are high for you. It's your wellbeing on the line and you want to think your therapist has understood the issues and knows what to do. And...hmmm...by the sounds of it, this one doesn't seem very skilled in dealing with autistic clients. If she knew you are autistic she should have been constantly checking her questions were direct enough for you to understand for instance. And certainly no one should be left thinking their therapist wouldn't believe them. They should be making you feel comfortable enough to say anything that's truthful and important to you.

Sounds to me like you need proper autism informed therapy to get anywhere, so please don't blame yourself if this experience has left you feeling progress was not made. That's absolutely not your fault.

I understand it must be hard to disclose things in therapy, you perhaps aren't feeling close enough to anyone else to disclose to, but please try not to either like or dislike your therapist. It could complicate things. Ask yourself is this therapist competent in the areas I need them to know about? Do they have the skill to assist?