Published on 12, July, 2020
I want to be loved. I want my feelings to be validated. I want to understand the world. I want to read people's minds.
I have left my therapy recently. Well, I felt misunderstood at times. In one occasion, after a stressful session where I was really distressed, my therapist was whistling happily in the kitchen before I leave the place. I thought it was very insensitive of her. I have been anxious and frozen in few sessions and we couldn't change or improve the situation very much. She seemed confused about what was going on with me. I left those sessions blaming myself for not improving a bit in breaking the anxiety cycle or learning how to deal with it. I couldn't talk about how I felt about my self-diagnousis because I was afraid of being unbelieved. There were some questions she asked that I didn't understand. Her questions made me doubt myself. I can't tell if she did that intentionally.
I can't get the situation out of my mind. It feels like a breakup with all the feelings of anger, sadness and relief. I can't stop rethinking her intentions and my decision. There are some other things about her that I found "cool" and the fact that she's older=wiser and more knowledgeable made me ignore how I felt. I still think to myself "is it me or was really happening?". For some silly reason, I think that a cool person (progressive ideology) can't be wrong, it must be me who was wrong!.. also, the isolation that I live in makes therapists almost the only person to know the real feelings that I have. This makes them more special to me while I'm just one more client to them.. I have an experience of falling in love with one therapist before. I tend to fall in love with people who can't love me back. Thank you guys for reading.. I don't think that I could have shared this anywhere else..
Does the therapist know you are autistic?
I'm kind of understanding both sides here. Yes, therapy is just what they do for a living and in that sense you are one more client. They have to chill out with a whistle and a cupper, because there will be someone else who might have some awful things to reveal in the next session. It doesn't mean they don't care, it's just that they need professional detachment to stay sane themselves. It's probably best to view a therapist a bit like taking a car to a mechanic. If they know what they are doing they can help you get back on the road, but we don't spend time contemplating what kind of person they are because that's irrelevant.
That said, I totally get what you are saying. The stakes are high for you. It's your wellbeing on the line and you want to think your therapist has understood the issues and knows what to do. And...hmmm...by the sounds of it, this one doesn't seem very skilled in dealing with autistic clients. If she knew you are autistic she should have been constantly checking her questions were direct enough for you to understand for instance. And certainly no one should be left thinking their therapist wouldn't believe them. They should be making you feel comfortable enough to say anything that's truthful and important to you.
Sounds to me like you need proper autism informed therapy to get anywhere, so please don't blame yourself if this experience has left you feeling progress was not made. That's absolutely not your fault.
I understand it must be hard to disclose things in therapy, you perhaps aren't feeling close enough to anyone else to disclose to, but please try not to either like or dislike your therapist. It could complicate things. Ask yourself is this therapist competent in the areas I need them to know about? Do they have the skill to assist?
While professional distance and boundaries are important to keeping both client and therapist safe, I have to disagree about it being irrelevant what they're like as a person and whether or not you like them. I used to think of therapy as a space to articulate and make sense of things I couldn't talk about elsewhere - and of course that's part of it. But since working with a therapist with whom I share important aspects of identity, I've realised that (at least for me) the relationship between us is the most important and healing part of our work. Having said that, I do feel very attached to them and that comes with its own complexities. I so much wish we could be close and that I could be here for them too, and the fact that's not possible is painful.
I can relate to this. I used to confuse those feelings with romantic feelings since it's very hard for me to tell which is what. I need to know that I'm safe and no judgement has been created even in their private brain. If I can't sense that, I just won't feel safe since it includes money paid to them, I'm usually worried that it's the only reason they are listening. I do need to feel some authentic compassion and I think it's part of the healing process.
Absolutely 100%, totally relate to all of this.