Published on 12, July, 2020
I want to be loved. I want my feelings to be validated. I want to understand the world. I want to read people's minds.
I have left my therapy recently. Well, I felt misunderstood at times. In one occasion, after a stressful session where I was really distressed, my therapist was whistling happily in the kitchen before I leave the place. I thought it was very insensitive of her. I have been anxious and frozen in few sessions and we couldn't change or improve the situation very much. She seemed confused about what was going on with me. I left those sessions blaming myself for not improving a bit in breaking the anxiety cycle or learning how to deal with it. I couldn't talk about how I felt about my self-diagnousis because I was afraid of being unbelieved. There were some questions she asked that I didn't understand. Her questions made me doubt myself. I can't tell if she did that intentionally.
I can't get the situation out of my mind. It feels like a breakup with all the feelings of anger, sadness and relief. I can't stop rethinking her intentions and my decision. There are some other things about her that I found "cool" and the fact that she's older=wiser and more knowledgeable made me ignore how I felt. I still think to myself "is it me or was really happening?". For some silly reason, I think that a cool person (progressive ideology) can't be wrong, it must be me who was wrong!.. also, the isolation that I live in makes therapists almost the only person to know the real feelings that I have. This makes them more special to me while I'm just one more client to them.. I have an experience of falling in love with one therapist before. I tend to fall in love with people who can't love me back. Thank you guys for reading.. I don't think that I could have shared this anywhere else..
Does the therapist know you are autistic?
I'm kind of understanding both sides here. Yes, therapy is just what they do for a living and in that sense you are one more client. They have to chill out with a whistle and a cupper, because there will be someone else who might have some awful things to reveal in the next session. It doesn't mean they don't care, it's just that they need professional detachment to stay sane themselves. It's probably best to view a therapist a bit like taking a car to a mechanic. If they know what they are doing they can help you get back on the road, but we don't spend time contemplating what kind of person they are because that's irrelevant.
That said, I totally get what you are saying. The stakes are high for you. It's your wellbeing on the line and you want to think your therapist has understood the issues and knows what to do. And...hmmm...by the sounds of it, this one doesn't seem very skilled in dealing with autistic clients. If she knew you are autistic she should have been constantly checking her questions were direct enough for you to understand for instance. And certainly no one should be left thinking their therapist wouldn't believe them. They should be making you feel comfortable enough to say anything that's truthful and important to you.
Sounds to me like you need proper autism informed therapy to get anywhere, so please don't blame yourself if this experience has left you feeling progress was not made. That's absolutely not your fault.
I understand it must be hard to disclose things in therapy, you perhaps aren't feeling close enough to anyone else to disclose to, but please try not to either like or dislike your therapist. It could complicate things. Ask yourself is this therapist competent in the areas I need them to know about? Do they have the skill to assist?
Thank you for your reply. Yes, she knows that I'm autistic even tho I myself found out about it just about 5 weeks ago. Before this finding, I thought that the therapy was ok. After I found out, my whole view to the therapy itself has changed!. I started to realise that it might not be the fit for me only afterwards which confuses me.
I might have been stuck in evaluating her as a person instead of a professional, but I think the main reason is my fear of judgement. At the end, they are paid to show me no judgement and this doesn't mean that they don't have any. That's where I started trying to get more sense of the person as person and not just a professional, in order make sure that I'm safe there. I'm pouring my heart out there you know..
I guess that you are right, she seems like she has no idea how to deal with people on the spectrum and that's probably why I feel misunderstood and probably why I don't understand her questions or intentions behind the questions. I already asked her to be direct with her questions and expressions but nothing about her language has changed. When I struggle with words, she seems not to understand that I lack the skill of being able to talk at all times. When I'm anxious, I can't initiate any sort of talk or interaction with her and I sometimes don't know how to name my feeling or express it properly, she seems to be so confused about what is happening as if she goes through the situation for the first time in her life. She seems like she doesn't know what to do and doesn't really understand that I have no idea how to name this feeling or express it or calm myself down and that I do need help to figure all that out..