Poly

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MODS have spent a lot of time on me recently, so I'll pay it back a bit now.

"Members are reminded of Rule 5 (I hope) BE NICE TO EACH OTHER"

Since I'm not a mod, (nor should I ever be) I'll point out [removed by mod] that you appear to have reframed [removed by mod] very reasonable assertion by ignoring the words "Without discussion".and then appear to develop an ad hominem attack on [removed by mod] personality & relationship, which is NOT NICE. 

Seriously. Stop raging at your screen and go take a walk or clean something, then re-read what you wrote. This medium gives us every chance to think before communication, which the real world does not.

Do you want that post to represent where you are coming from, and how you deal with people?

Hats off to you, I love the open vibe you project. Wishing you much happiness in your choices

Hey,

I'm kind of in a poly relationship, or half of one, basically my partner is seeing someone else, with my blessing. We've been together for quite a long time and have two children. I get your freedom point completely. The last thing I want to do is tell other people what they have to do. We came at it from a bit of a weird angle that I can't really go into on the forum, however, I dunno if it's a neurodivergence thing but it made sense for both of us and appears to be working ok at the moment. I don't see other people in that sense as I don't have any interest in being with anyone else, but I guess that could change, never say never I guess. Be very careful with it though as I know of other people where things like this have come up and that's basically been the end of it.

Cheers.

 a society that has no rules.Are you saying, Martin, that "Do what thou shalt, shall be the whole of the law" is impractical??

Maybe even, gasp, WRONG for us??

Because that would imply that there are universal rules that we really all should understand from an early age, and use as the basis for our societies!

It would also seem to imply that a society that discovers and instills those rules into each generation of it's children would be visibly more successful and better to live in that one which does not.. 

Sounds like crazy talk doesn't it?

I suppose we could look at historical evidence and see if there's any weight to the argument. Nah, that's too much work, anyway now we have the T.V and internet, we don't need no stinking history or that old  people thinking do we? 

I deal with existence as it is. I leave Utopia to Thomas Moore. The consequence of his exercise of freedom, of conscience, was the headman's axe. A more pragmatic man would have retained his head.

I respectfully disagree.

Consequences remain valuable when the actions of someone are to the detriment of others.

When the consequence is held against personal choices that request a response of none judgement and openness to an individual, why then should there be 'consequences'? And who gets to decide what moral choice should bere consequences or not? The court of public opinion?

This is just the standardised status quo and it's unwillingness to deviate from the norm.

Isn't this what the ASC community come up against consistently, a world made for a different way of thinking?

Anyone is entirely free to do whatever they wish to do, in the context of what this discussion is about. However, if a person was to exercise that freedom there would be consequences. It is a balance of reward and cost between the exercise of freedom, and the extent of the negative consequences that would result. The idea of unfettered freedom is impractical and usually unattainable. It is ultimately futile to wish for it.

No, it's not just being ace for me either- I just meant that figuring out that part of my identity was the trigger for considering things like polyamory 

I absolutely know where you're coming from to be honest, I do have a partner but he's also (most likely) autistic and we would both go completely bananas if we had to be around each other 24/7. The idea of being one person's entire emotional and/or social support network sounds like far too much pressure.

As I noted, the relationship I am in is not the prime reason for my enquiry here.

As it goes, this relationship is a monogomus one, so I would not want to risk changing that agreement or risk the trust built up over the course of it.

However, in general, I feel there is a palpable oppressive notion attached to 'typical' relationships and the associated expectation for couples in contemporary society which I feel is unfair and an undue burden on our freedoms as individuals.

It's not just being ace, it's the fact that if I don't get at least eight hours alone every day I literally stop functioning. I like having someone who is always there for me in the figurative sense, but if they're literally there all the time expecting me to meet their social needs I feel like I don't even exist any more.

My ex and I worked quite well as he had a large selection of friends, with whom he'd do things I didn't enjoy: traveling, going to bars, eating out, etc. Until the pandemic hit and then things got very claustrophobic. If I could have that set up again but also outsource sex, I think that would be ideal.

I don't really get jealous as I have no desire to control what a partner does or who they do it with when they're not with me.

I've read this thread with interest. How would you feel if your partner had this conversation with you? Presumably, you would be happy for them to be poly and share a relationship with someone else also? 

Yeah, you caught me, I went a bit too far there...

In practice poly relationships are perfectly acceptable in society. They’re not validated by law but these days most people wouldn’t bat an eye in liberal/ professional circles. What I don’t think they are is particularly stable.

In practice I think that tends to break down long term. Sooner or later the legs of the v begin fighting for the points attention. Feeling that they don’t have enough time for them, or they always side with the other one in arguments. And worst of all it’s likely to be true. Given any two people even if you like them both you’re likely to end up liking one slightly more. Or agreeing with one slightly more than the other. That tension can easily rip people apart. But if attraction is in all directions it will smooth things over it will be less of a competition. Having conflict over a shared point with nothing to draw you to your competitors is just one more stressor on the relationship.

I like art where a feeling or idea is expressed strong enough to imprint on me. If it was challenging my views, especially moral code I would rather stay away from it.

I Sperg said:

How do those of you who manage a thruple or greater polyamoury, ever find time to paint the fence or deep clean the bathroom? :c)

To be fair, I don't know how ANYONE finds time to deep clean the bathroom!