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Poly

JT

A friend sat me & my partner down about 10 years ago and told us she was polyamorous. She had a boyfriend and a second love interest at the time.

I'd never heard the term before and didn't think much of it.

But as time went on I realised this is how I felt as well. I have been fighting it off because I'm in a happy, monogamous relationship that I don't want to upset, but I also feel in some ways a little restricted by that. I love my partner and will stay 100% loyal to her as that is the loyal relationship we have.

I'm sure anyone reading this will immediately think 'you want to be physically intimate with another person'. This isn't my concern. My concern is surrounding the notion of freedom, actually to be more accurate, the palpable feeling of restraint or restriction that I feel single person relationships hold over individuals in society's unwritten 'Rulebook of Expectation'. You know the one, that everybody signed (accept, nobody has, they just go along with it without question??).

If it was a physical thing I could just go out and cheat and be a dishonest person. But I have no interest in breaking the love and trust of my partner. It is much more nuanced than that. It's the feeling of freedom to know and share love and care with whomever I feel it towards. I feel that deeply. This isn't about physical intimacy, this is about philosophical freedom.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way?

As I say I'd never heard that term before, but within my circle of family and friends I don't know anyone else that follows this way of thinking. It would definitely be frowned upon and seen as 'weird' or similar, and although I am growing into my unmasked unique self, the idea of being open about things like this that can so easily be mischaracterised and life changing in the most important relationships I know, is frightening to me

Parents

  • I know very little about this but I think it’s important to remember that poly relationships are not open. As I understand it it only really works if all parties consider themselves poly and consent to the arrangement. Which means every time someone joins the relationship it requires the approval of all concerned. In that sense poly people only get to have poly relationships with other poly people.

    Also there is the sexuality issue. A relationship where 2 parties are not sexually attracted can become strained. They naturally tend to compete for the attention of the 3rd parties in the relationship. Ideally you’d want everyone to by physically attracted to everyone else which means either everyone has to be gay and the same sex or all but one of them have to be bi.

    it sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. How would you have a poly break up? It’s going to be messy because people can now switch sides. If A and B fall out and one wants to break up but they both want to stay involved with C how’s that going to work? C will have to choose.

    what if A wants kids in the family but B doesn’t and C is undecided. Again C is in the middle especially if C is the only male. In relationships you have to make serious life decisions together. That’s hard with 2 people. To get unanimity between 3 or more people sounds totally infeasible. About the only way it could work is if you have one hugely dominant personality in the relationship and everyone else with a highly submissive personality that’s happy to let one person make most of the decisions.

  • in reply to Peter

    Not everyone in a polyamorous arrangement has to be involved with each other- an example would be that if you have three people, they would be a triad if they were all in one big relationship together, and they would be in a 'vee' if one person was 'in the middle' dating two others who weren't involved with each other. Everyone has to consent to the overall arrangement, but not every person has to be in a relationship with every other person.

  • in reply to battybats

    In practice I think that tends to break down long term. Sooner or later the legs of the v begin fighting for the points attention. Feeling that they don’t have enough time for them, or they always side with the other one in arguments. And worst of all it’s likely to be true. Given any two people even if you like them both you’re likely to end up liking one slightly more. Or agreeing with one slightly more than the other. That tension can easily rip people apart. But if attraction is in all directions it will smooth things over it will be less of a competition. Having conflict over a shared point with nothing to draw you to your competitors is just one more stressor on the relationship.

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  • in reply to battybats

    In practice I think that tends to break down long term. Sooner or later the legs of the v begin fighting for the points attention. Feeling that they don’t have enough time for them, or they always side with the other one in arguments. And worst of all it’s likely to be true. Given any two people even if you like them both you’re likely to end up liking one slightly more. Or agreeing with one slightly more than the other. That tension can easily rip people apart. But if attraction is in all directions it will smooth things over it will be less of a competition. Having conflict over a shared point with nothing to draw you to your competitors is just one more stressor on the relationship.

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