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Poly

A friend sat me & my partner down about 10 years ago and told us she was polyamorous. She had a boyfriend and a second love interest at the time.

I'd never heard the term before and didn't think much of it.

But as time went on I realised this is how I felt as well. I have been fighting it off because I'm in a happy, monogamous relationship that I don't want to upset, but I also feel in some ways a little restricted by that. I love my partner and will stay 100% loyal to her as that is the loyal relationship we have.

I'm sure anyone reading this will immediately think 'you want to be physically intimate with another person'. This isn't my concern. My concern is surrounding the notion of freedom, actually to be more accurate, the palpable feeling of restraint or restriction that I feel single person relationships hold over individuals in society's unwritten 'Rulebook of Expectation'. You know the one, that everybody signed (accept, nobody has, they just go along with it without question??).

If it was a physical thing I could just go out and cheat and be a dishonest person. But I have no interest in breaking the love and trust of my partner. It is much more nuanced than that. It's the feeling of freedom to know and share love and care with whomever I feel it towards. I feel that deeply. This isn't about physical intimacy, this is about philosophical freedom.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way?

As I say I'd never heard that term before, but within my circle of family and friends I don't know anyone else that follows this way of thinking. It would definitely be frowned upon and seen as 'weird' or similar, and although I am growing into my unmasked unique self, the idea of being open about things like this that can so easily be mischaracterised and life changing in the most important relationships I know, is frightening to me

Parents
  • I know very little about this but I think it’s important to remember that poly relationships are not open. As I understand it it only really works if all parties consider themselves poly and consent to the arrangement. Which means every time someone joins the relationship it requires the approval of all concerned. In that sense poly people only get to have poly relationships with other poly people.

    Also there is the sexuality issue. A relationship where 2 parties are not sexually attracted can become strained. They naturally tend to compete for the attention of the 3rd parties in the relationship. Ideally you’d want everyone to by physically attracted to everyone else which means either everyone has to be gay and the same sex or all but one of them have to be bi.

    it sounds to me like a recipe for disaster. How would you have a poly break up? It’s going to be messy because people can now switch sides. If A and B fall out and one wants to break up but they both want to stay involved with C how’s that going to work? C will have to choose.

    what if A wants kids in the family but B doesn’t and C is undecided. Again C is in the middle especially if C is the only male. In relationships you have to make serious life decisions together. That’s hard with 2 people. To get unanimity between 3 or more people sounds totally infeasible. About the only way it could work is if you have one hugely dominant personality in the relationship and everyone else with a highly submissive personality that’s happy to let one person make most of the decisions.

  • Again, I see your perspective, but that is moving straight passed the issue of freedom and into the logistical difficulty that may or may not arise.

    Society isn't even ready to discuss being open enough to allow the freedom of choice to occur.

    ...I know, in theory, we can do whatever we want. But, it is the oppressive court of public opinion that isn't willing to be open in my opinion

  • I get the impression that your real problem is that you wished that you did not have a conscience. The sociopath is probably the only entirely societally free, conscience-less, kind of person. Unless, of course they end up in prison, where freedom is literally curtailed.

  • MODS have spent a lot of time on me recently, so I'll pay it back a bit now.

    "Members are reminded of Rule 5 (I hope) BE NICE TO EACH OTHER"

    Since I'm not a mod, (nor should I ever be) I'll point out [removed by mod] that you appear to have reframed [removed by mod] very reasonable assertion by ignoring the words "Without discussion".and then appear to develop an ad hominem attack on [removed by mod] personality & relationship, which is NOT NICE. 

    Seriously. Stop raging at your screen and go take a walk or clean something, then re-read what you wrote. This medium gives us every chance to think before communication, which the real world does not.

    Do you want that post to represent where you are coming from, and how you deal with people?

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  • MODS have spent a lot of time on me recently, so I'll pay it back a bit now.

    "Members are reminded of Rule 5 (I hope) BE NICE TO EACH OTHER"

    Since I'm not a mod, (nor should I ever be) I'll point out [removed by mod] that you appear to have reframed [removed by mod] very reasonable assertion by ignoring the words "Without discussion".and then appear to develop an ad hominem attack on [removed by mod] personality & relationship, which is NOT NICE. 

    Seriously. Stop raging at your screen and go take a walk or clean something, then re-read what you wrote. This medium gives us every chance to think before communication, which the real world does not.

    Do you want that post to represent where you are coming from, and how you deal with people?

  • This reply was deleted.