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Poly

JT

A friend sat me & my partner down about 10 years ago and told us she was polyamorous. She had a boyfriend and a second love interest at the time.

I'd never heard the term before and didn't think much of it.

But as time went on I realised this is how I felt as well. I have been fighting it off because I'm in a happy, monogamous relationship that I don't want to upset, but I also feel in some ways a little restricted by that. I love my partner and will stay 100% loyal to her as that is the loyal relationship we have.

I'm sure anyone reading this will immediately think 'you want to be physically intimate with another person'. This isn't my concern. My concern is surrounding the notion of freedom, actually to be more accurate, the palpable feeling of restraint or restriction that I feel single person relationships hold over individuals in society's unwritten 'Rulebook of Expectation'. You know the one, that everybody signed (accept, nobody has, they just go along with it without question??).

If it was a physical thing I could just go out and cheat and be a dishonest person. But I have no interest in breaking the love and trust of my partner. It is much more nuanced than that. It's the feeling of freedom to know and share love and care with whomever I feel it towards. I feel that deeply. This isn't about physical intimacy, this is about philosophical freedom.

Just wondering if anyone else feels this way?

As I say I'd never heard that term before, but within my circle of family and friends I don't know anyone else that follows this way of thinking. It would definitely be frowned upon and seen as 'weird' or similar, and although I am growing into my unmasked unique self, the idea of being open about things like this that can so easily be mischaracterised and life changing in the most important relationships I know, is frightening to me

Parents

  • I like the idea of having a partner who has other partners besides me. Someone else could deal with the sex part and I wouldn't get overwhelmed by my partner being around me all the time. I'm not sure whether that counts as being poly.

  • in reply to HP35

    I thought about this a lot when I first realised I was asexual, but eventually decided it's not for me. A fair few people do seem to take this approach- I'm not sure if it counts as being poly either but there may well be enough people who think this way to give it a name of its own or to consider it part of ethical non-monogamy more broadly.

  • in reply to battybats

    It's not just being ace, it's the fact that if I don't get at least eight hours alone every day I literally stop functioning. I like having someone who is always there for me in the figurative sense, but if they're literally there all the time expecting me to meet their social needs I feel like I don't even exist any more.

    My ex and I worked quite well as he had a large selection of friends, with whom he'd do things I didn't enjoy: traveling, going to bars, eating out, etc. Until the pandemic hit and then things got very claustrophobic. If I could have that set up again but also outsource sex, I think that would be ideal.

    I don't really get jealous as I have no desire to control what a partner does or who they do it with when they're not with me.

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  • in reply to battybats

    It's not just being ace, it's the fact that if I don't get at least eight hours alone every day I literally stop functioning. I like having someone who is always there for me in the figurative sense, but if they're literally there all the time expecting me to meet their social needs I feel like I don't even exist any more.

    My ex and I worked quite well as he had a large selection of friends, with whom he'd do things I didn't enjoy: traveling, going to bars, eating out, etc. Until the pandemic hit and then things got very claustrophobic. If I could have that set up again but also outsource sex, I think that would be ideal.

    I don't really get jealous as I have no desire to control what a partner does or who they do it with when they're not with me.

Children
  • in reply to HP35

    No, it's not just being ace for me either- I just meant that figuring out that part of my identity was the trigger for considering things like polyamory Slight smile

    I absolutely know where you're coming from to be honest, I do have a partner but he's also (most likely) autistic and we would both go completely bananas if we had to be around each other 24/7. The idea of being one person's entire emotional and/or social support network sounds like far too much pressure.