Published on 12, July, 2020
I joined here around 5 months ago.
Since that time it's come to mean different things to me.
I think sharing experiences is invaluable but equally invaluable is the honesty I find here.
It's a place where we can talk about shared experience /our emotions/difficulties in a way that's impossible in the 'real' world - or at least if we speak about it there, it's unlikely to be understood.
It's a place to connect in a world where we often find connecting difficult.
I've received some PMs recently that have made me focus more on how very important this community can be to us as individuals.
Luna RIP called this her 'forum family'.
As a person who doesn't seek friendship (?or thinks she doesn't?), some surprising and valuable friendships have evolved from here for me.
How about you?
This is just somewhere I occasionally post on. I don't have the sense of belonging that the rest of you do. Maybe it's because I have both an ASD and schizophrenia/schizoaffective dx.
Well, whether you like it or not, I think of you as part of this team.....perhaps the cool name, cool profile pic, or the fact that some of your posts have "spoken" loudly to this place in the past. Nice to see you back again.
Kind regards
Number.
Thank you for the kind words. I'm in that vast,middle, space occupied by those who don't regard ASD as a 'super power' /haven't achieved great things in life, but equally so are not at the severe,need 24x 7 care and support, level. It's hard to feel that I fit in , given the number of very high functioning people who post here.
I'm not aware of ever having masked. WYSIWYG with me. I don't have that ability to process things in real time, and adjust accordingly. That , and the fact that not many people here, or on wrong planet, talk about the support they get in order to maintain a healthy,if somewhat basic, lifestyle- often makes feel like a distant autistic relative,rather than a close autistic relative.
firemonkey said:My self confidence/esteem/ worth are gossamer thin.
Then keep dipping in here....hopefully we'll keep you topped up with your badly needed booster shots.....and maintain you at knicker elastic thicknesses?!
It isn't too bad and means I mask a bit less now because I don't have the bandwidth. Or that might just be getting older. Use the fatigue to double up on getting out of things you'd rather not do. Every cloud etc!
Don't worry about what others think of you. You're awesome how you are and if they can't see it that's their loss :-)
That's good advice, but advice I struggle to follow due to the long term effects of what my care coordinator come depot nurse has called 'bullying related trauma'. I can have 9 people say positive things about me, only to end up feeling like I'm no good because the 10th person has been very negative towards me. My self confidence/esteem/ worth are gossamer thin.
:-/ CFS and autism are a bad combination.
I was recently diagnosed with CFS, I'm actually pretty curious now if masking is potentially behind some of that?
I would say a resounding "yes".
Thank you for caring and for the support. I will try my best to stop masking. I think where I've done it so much it's now the 'norm' but I have heard from you and other lovely people how harmful it can be so I will try my hardest to turn this around before it causes me serious problems.
I'm so sorry about your burnout by the way. That must have been awful for you. And I'm sorry you had to go through most of your life masking. I'm glad things are much improved for you now and I hope you'll not feel the effects of burnout again.
firemonkey said:It's hard to feel that I fit in , given the number of very high functioning people who post here.
I'm not a fan of functioning labels at all. Our ability to function depends on so many variables, such as the sensory environment and method of communication.
I agree with Nata that it can appear very different online to out there in the real world. I have a massive mismatch between my poor verbal functioning and my level of written communication. That mismatch was highlighted and commented on during my autism assessment.
Please do continue to post. If someone stops posting because they feel they do not fit in then that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The forum would become a much less diverse and inclusive place if some members of the autistic community did not feel able to contribute. Many of us have gone through life never fitting in anywhere and it's so important that spaces such as this exist.
firemonkey said:There's a phrase I often use, that being 'adaptive functioning'. Using simpler words you could call it 'practical-daily living skills'. I don't know about anyone else here, but it's always been something I've struggled with. The vast majority of people, including,sadly, many (mental) health professionals, are totally clueless that you can be intelligent yet struggle with those daily living skills. I'm very open about my significantly large adaptive functioning < IQ gap,but I've come across very few other autistic people who'll readily admit 'Yes, that's me too!'.
That's interesting. I've never heard of 'adaptive functioning' before. I googled it and found this relevant article.
https://www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/viewpoint/intelligence-scores-not-predict-success-autistic-adults/
I think I am one of those people who would say yes, that's me too.
Thank you Goosey......but remember that communication is a two-way street....it only works when the transmitter and receiver are tuned to the same frequency and equally adept.....so it's not so much my ability to explain things, but the fact that you operate at a similar frequency. If you said the same things in your own words, I fully expect me to understand you just as well......but thank you nonetheless.
I would like to reinforce the warning from Autonomistic. Be careful Goosey!
I have an excuse for 50+ years of masking (almost) all of the time.....I had absolutely no idea I was doing it, and presumed everyone operated that way.
I had a mega-burnout.....that very nearly finished me!
Please take care, and if at all possible, I suggest (or dare I say it?....) ADVISE you to start turning your supertanker brain around at the earliest opportunity....gently, but purposefully.
Number said:I now understand that my apparent ease of getting on with people is merely a very proficient masking ability. It is a blessing and curse in equal measure. It's fabulous in the short term, but horrendously confusing to me AND everyone else in the medium to long term. It is also EXHAUSTING.....but I hadn't realised that.
This is exactly what I've found. You explain things so well. You're able to put in to words what I often find I can't...
I'm glad you understand yourself better now and I hope you don't feel the need to mask as much as you once did.
Well Mr Firemonkey, I'll leave it to your discretion whether the following gives me the right to say "Yes, that's me too." I think I have a reason shot?
My problem (to a large extent, I think) has been that I can be all things to all men/women.....for whatever duration is required. BUT, I now realise how utterly frigging exhausting this is for me.
I have learned how to appropriately converse (and behave) around all manner of folk - very effectively and very convincingly. They seem able to connect with me because I can readily select the appropriate entity to be for them.
Accordingly, for most of my life, I have had absolutely no clue where I REALLY fitted in. I now know, the answer is - nowhere, IRL.
For a good number of years, I increasingly became concerned that I was some sort of sociopath/bad'un.....although my intent is NEVER malicious....I just wanted to find "my people" and/or be accepted and liked by whomever I found myself with.....in the hope that I would then "settle" within that persona.
I now understand that my apparent ease of getting on with people is merely a very proficient masking ability. It is a blessing and curse in equal measure. It's fabulous in the short term, but horrendously confusing to me AND everyone else in the medium to long term. It is also EXHAUSTING.....but I hadn't realised that.
Thankfully, I have been able to encounter a few (VERY few) humans who seem able to see through all the masking. These people are my angels. They have kept me (only just) on the right side of the sanity line.....and kept me safe from myself. I'm also certain that some angels inhabit this place!
Moreover, and more profoundly important to me, is the fact that animals totally seem to get me - and i, them. In my darkest hours, animals have saved my sanity and given me the accepting and honest company that I have always craved.
These days, since my blinding flash of realisation of ASD, I find myself more relaxed and resigned to my fate. I have allowed myself to explore my weirdness - and blimey, am I frigging weird! Killing my excessive booze intake (to zero) has allowed me to explore myself honestly. I'm not so bad....just so weird.
Anyway....enough of me mate....and back to what I said of you earlier. You, sir, are "my kind of people"....I only open up like this when someone hits the spot!
Warmest best wishes
I know I've tried so hard to explain and show them but they either don't believe me or choose not to try to understand.
I'm hoping in the end they will come round and understand.
I'm just glad I've got this place with all you amazing people. Thanks for all your support. I appreciate it all and am eternally grateful.
I’m so sorry you always feel the need to mask, that must take such a big toll. I’m so glad you find this forum helpful and know we are always here.
In the real world I've got to mask all the time. Even around my own family because they don't believe in autism.
That's so sad. How are your family ever going to be convinced if you don't show them what being autistic looks like.
Masking is bad for your mental health and will eventually lead to burnout. Take care of yourself.
^ exactly this.
Here I can be myself. I don't have to mask. I really love being here, it's great being able to get to know everyone and enjoy the forum chat and games.
I'm so glad I found it.
I'm very much enjoying having conversations with people here, in the outside world I avoid social contact if I possibly can.
Also being - dare I say it - spontaneously myself, which I never can be in the outside world, it's masking 24/7.
I can't quite believe the opportunity to connect here. I've lived my life without it for so long.
It's something very special
Good to hear. This forum is the best resource out there for autistic people
I've encountered a lot of judgemental people who didn't take the time to understand me.
I'm much happier away from those people. Since joining the forum I am far happier and feel understood.
Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of people who judge you for who you are but IMHO you shouldn't worry about people like that.
Good idea ^^
I went for a walk today and have been in bed since. When I stand I feel really unsteady.
My 'busy motorway' is keeping my head occupied. Really annoying.
I often feel distant from people though I am starting to feel a little less alone now in some ways.
Masking isn't always obvious. Until today talking here I didn't realise that I actually mask pretty much all the time. I'm trying not to do this now.
I don't get any support in RL from the people in my life. I think it's just masking that allows me to function and get through life. I need to find healthier ways to cope.