Hello!

I have also lost a sense of self-control; it was as if someone flipped off my lightswitch. (I remember a Camcorder clip on 'You've Been Framed' around 1991 of a cat jumping to switch off the light)

That’s great advice. Doing that already as I am highly functional. Just trying to find my range now. I really appreciate your insight. Ty

Welcome - and congratulations on finding this place at a good time for you ! (albeit - goes without saying, would have been more helpful sooner!!)

May I suggest that you use the search above to find old threads about your current feelings as a 50+ in the "WTAF" realms of realisation about yourself.  Also, for what it is worth, please also remember that your wife will similarly be in a "WTAF" realm of her own at this news!  I think that, in many respects, it is harder for our nearest-and-dearest to cope with the news when (like you report) you are an accomplished masker.  You can see inside your own head now and be confident that you are in the WTAF realm for real......whereas your wife is probably more akin to WTAF do I even know my husband anymore / has he just gone mad / what am I supposed to do with news for myself?!  Understandable.

Please don't do anything too dramatic at this stage of your journey !  When everyone is feeling the WTAF vibe, I think it is arguably fair to say that this is NOT the best time to be taking too much drastic action.  Read lots.  Walk lots.  Stay calm. Stay in this place and speak with us all.......we do know and do understand.

I am a similar age and have been waiting since Feb 2019, but some places are much quicker. I would take some time to do some reasearch, there are some good youtubers in particular that helped me. Try and look deeper into who you are and try and understand yourself. Understand your limits and when to step away from issues. Once my wife knew about my ASD, and she mentioned it about 5 years before I looked into it, things became simpler at home. We both then knew why some things happened that annoyed her. I used to be accused of on purpose leaving things for her to do becuase I knew she would. In reality I just did not notice that thing needed doing. Take some time for yourself if you can, don't feel preassured. I try to take one day each weekend for me, no jobs, no chores etc. I know it is not always that simple but try what works in your life. It is a long journey but you can get through it.

Thank you. I am no longer masking and strange things are happening, like facial ticks and hand movements. I will go private asap before it settles and I find my range. 

NAS84040,

I truly understand that feeling of desperation and wondering what it all means.  I can't answer whether diagnosis is worth it or not because personally I've decided to accept my diagnosis of sensory processing disorder because I know I masked at my appointment and don't want to put myself through everything again.  I believe and a great many others on here accept me for self identification.

I'd say from here on in, finding this community could be the turning point in your life.  I've been here nearly a year now I think and have realised I am most definitely Autistic because I share so many of the feelings and thoughts of Autistics who post on here.  It's actually a really positive thing to find a community who gets you and who allow you to learn more about yourself by sharing their experiences of life.

NAS84040 said:

but I feel awful and thought terrible things last night…. That my life is not worth it after 50 years of masking…. I am completely exhausted… I am looking for help, support and advice…. I am one of the lost generation!! 

Suicidal ideation is the norm for me in periods of desperation but I'd say that you are a fighter because you are doing something about it by posting here and asking for help in your upset state.  That to me means that you are brave and determined.  

The desperation will get less intense and now you have us to support you when it comes back as it always does.  Life is tough but so are you.  Keep reaching out and you will find comfort here and hopefully with your family too.

There are many threads on whether to go for diagnosis.  It's a very personal thing that you will work out for yourself but it sounds like at the moment you need to find ways to comfort yourself and reaching out here is one.

Take care of yourself.

Makes me appreciate my diagnosis, in the early Nineties, as it made me Old Fashioned; as a Man. 

It all depends on how much you can afford. If you can, go for it. 

Thank you for the kind welcome. This is the most meaningful thing I’ve heard since my doctor’s appointment 

Best wishes to you, a formal diagnosis is a great help. The next stage for me was to fully understand myself before helping others to understand. 
One thing is for sure, you are far from alone. This forum is packed with like minded (literally: ) individuals each with their similar and unique perspectives. Many happy to give advice and others happy to give support or both. 
Glad to hear from you and welcome to the club.