Dating Autistic man - Rigid communication hurts my feelings - would love some advice?

Hi - I am dating an Autistic guy in his early twenties - we are ten years apart and I came here for help because I am not sure what to do. He only briefly mentioned his diagnosis on our second date and I havent felt he's comfortable discussing further and so I never know if some of his behavior is on account of that diagnosis or just who he is (on the spectrum or not). 

For one, he seems very rigid in his way of thinking - whenever I suggest something, he will say "that won't work" without offering an alternative until I continually offer my own suggestions and he accepts one. It makes me feel like he's not interested in spending time together - but then he does accept a suggestion eventually so I don't get it? 

Our BIGGEST issues are these strange and unflinching beliefs he has that aren't even true about relationships. From our third date onward, its been discussions about whether I can get pregnant in 5 years (I am in my early thirties and have no fertility issues what so ever - I even had some tests that put me on par with women in their mid twenties) + I have frozen my eggs with a benefit from work. But no matter what I say, he continually suggests I cannot conceive kids in 5 years and so we will never work. It's very hurtful and insulting - calling me infertile and even when he's presented with facts proving I am not, he just continues with his beliefs that I can't have kids. Even the way he discusses his want to have them in 5 years as if it's all up to him and not as a couple deciding. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me and I am unfit to be his wife - and were not even at the point of discussing marriage! I don't know if this is just him or how his brain works and wanted some advice. 

He also makes these random insulting comments like saying my headshot on linkedin looks like a mug shot and when I mention it hurts my feelings he says "Sorry I just felt I need to be honest with you" 

Another HUGE problem is when we discuss an emotional topic - sometimes im not done speaking about it but he will insist "we already talked about it. we did it" and will refuse to re-engage with me at all on it, even if I ask multiple times to continue - he just stonewalls me with "we already did it". 

Many thanks in advance. 

  • that's helpful thank you! I often tell my bf that this isn't a competition and no-one is right or wrong for example when he says "I already said it" He says it with a tone of "Im right - We did this" and I have to explain, that should not matter - all that matters is, im still upset - not that you win on being right about having said it already, if that makes sense? Same thing with the fertility stuff - he can be presented with facts and he can't admit the information presented to him changes what he thought was true and it makes me feel so frustrated because for me I am thinking "If actual facts won't change your mind, what will?" But I don't want to "win" I just want to progress. Thank you for your reply and Merry Christmas!

  • Each autistic person is individual, and behaves individually. I feel social pressures, once I recognise them, very intensely. As far as an autistic person can be, I'm a people-pleaser. I am always open to discussion about anything, with anyone. It goes without saying, however, that I think I am right most of the time.

  • thanks Martin - just for clarity, we discussed facts on fertility. Women don't decline as fast as the media portrays - i learned everything when I froze my eggs and it also depends on every person individually. You need to do a blood test for example to test for something called AMH to start that tells a lot about that specific woman. I explained all of this - not "emotions" I told him factually - I have the fertility profile of someone in their early-mid twenties + I froze eggs. On top of all of this, his own mother had him at 43 and so he must know it's possible because he's living proof of it. I lay out facts for him and he will still later come back with the same argument almost as if he didn't believe me or didn't listen to me it feels. This happens multiple times - I'll think we are discussing something in detail and later he will just say it again. On the flip side, when its an emotional topic he wants to avoid, if I am the one that wants to continue discussing - normally when he says something he should not have - he will stonewall with "We already talked" its like he has these lines he draws on things and there is NO moving them even when presented with facts. 

    Can I ask though - regarding the already discussing bit - what if your wife were to explain that for her, she's still upset about the topic and wants to continue discussing - would you engage then? In my case, I can tell him, I am still hurt from what's happened and want to continue talking but it's this stonewall response of "We already talked for hours. We already did it." then silence. Nothing penetrates that - no amount of me being upset or explaining why im not done speaking - he just shuts down with certain topics that make him uncomfortable. 

  • sorry but there's nothing "straight forward" about telling someone that's only 32, they can't have kids in 5 years based on no evidence and when tons of people have children in their late 30's. Also when I already went to my doctor and had fertility tests + froze eggs on top of which we discussed how being a mother is the most important thing for me. If we discuss that and he continues to say I can't have kids - that makes no sense - there is absolutely no evidence. Plus, his own mother had him at 43 - so he knows it happens. Freezing eggs is literally for that purpose - to have children when you want - the body isn't the problem, its more about the egg quality after about 45. If I froze eggs in my twenties as a backup and I am fertile now, that should be enough reassurance to stop saying I am infertile. There is a difference between wanting to discuss planning a family/ being honest and making up hurtful lies that aren't true about the other person that they have to continually prove untrue even after they've done it with facts and doctor tests. Saying that's normal is not okay and wasn't helpful but thanks. Planning a family requires 2 ppl - not just him saying "I want to have kids in 5 years". If he wants to plan - it's a discussion between 2 of us, not him saying what he wants and wrongly implying my body cannot deliver that. If you don't understand that then that's fine but don't tell me what I am saying means it's on my end to not accept his honesty. You have no idea how hard I try to communicate with him - I break down everything I want to say and let so many comments that I consider rude/ hurtful go because I don't think he means it. I am very patient and empathetic but I am also a person. 

  • I am an autistic man married to an allistic woman. Information in some senses is more important to autistics than to allistics, we are out of the loop for social interactions for a lot of the time, so information looms larger in our estimation. Your partner has obviously read about the diminishing of female fertility after the late 20s, this is information and it is not impacted on by consideration of your feelings as much as would be the case for a non-autistic man. There are positives, however, he is obviously keen on having children, which is good, if you are also. Plus he is obviously wanting to have children with you in particular. The best way of countering his 'information' is not with emotional appeals, but with other information about how women can remain fertile into their 40s - always back up assertions with evidence.

    If an autistic person tells you that they love you, they then feel no need to repeat the statement. Allistic people actively maintain relationships, while autistic people think of relationships, once established, as being static. When your partner says that you have discussed something already, he is not being obtuse or manipulative, he genuinely believes that this is the case.

  • You should chat to my wife, she is a saint not to mention my four daughters. Hang on in and keep trying. I am sure he needs a brilliant and understanding person like you who is keen to seek solutions, best wishes. 

  • Based on what you've said, it sounds like you might not be the right person for him.  We all need someone who will love us for who we are, and if you can not cope with core parts of his identity like honesty and the need to plan, then it's probably good to back out before it gets too serious.

    There are things in relationships that are deal breakers.  If he wants kids it is not unreasonable to talk about that at the start of the relationship, otherwise you get invested and then it's hard when you're faced with a choice between what you want and who you love.  It seems like he's concerned about the age difference, which is at the wide end of the scale. I heard the guideline "half your age plus seven" which I think works.  We also get fixated on ideas, that's how our brains work and it's not intentional it just kind of gets stuck.  So if he's worried about the age difference then he's not insulting your fertility, that's just his own fears spinning around his head.

    You seem to have issues with his straightforward honesty, which is very much a part of autism and is not going to go away.  It's not intended as an insult to state a fact or to say when something is not to their liking. For example, when he points out the photo looks like a mugshot he's not saying that you're ugly, he's sharing information that this is not your best picture and if it's what you're presenting to potential employers you might want to think about changing it.  

    About the suggestions on what to do- have you asked him to make some of his own, or just assumed that he would?  Have you thought about how things would work before you make each suggestion?  Do you have many interests in common?

    My other question is- does it matter if the traits you describe are due to his autism or not?  What difference would it make?  Our autistic experience is often so fully blended into who we are, it affects our behaviour, our morals and beliefs, our relationships, our communication, our entire outlook on life.  If this relationship isn't going to work for you, then get out of there before you break his heart, but do it gently.  And not on Christmas day.  

  • As I’ve said, I think a slow friendship would be best, to know each other and see if there’s a connection that brings you closer. If there isn’t, then you can remain friends if you want, but there’s no relationship commitment, like having babies or getting married. Jumping into a relationship sounds like those shows on tv like.. they get married straight away, even dating doesn’t mean you need to get married. I’ve heard of people that had original marriages failing and found that they were more then friends with long time friends, some end up marrying, can be 10+ years of knowing that person and knowing them very well, just not thinking of marriage with them. Life has many twists and turns, we don’t know what to expect 

  • for me that almost did my head in - months of begging him to discuss why he said these really mean things to me in this one argument and he'd just keep saying "we already talked for hours" when the conversation he was mean in WAS the conversation - I wanted to talk ABOUT that - it was this circle and he would just stonewall me with "we already did it. I said sorry for those things" when he did not. I thought it might be his autism of somehow not being able to understand my perspective but I could be wrong. And everything is so final - like if we are together then we are for sure getting married someday. To talk about that so fast and not just progress the relationship was very strange for me so I wasnt sure. I just feel unsure at all times if its him or his diagnosis that impacts the way he is speaking.

  • Do your best.. you can always let us know how it goes later on, if you want.. 

    I’m always willing to help out if I can, your situation just doesn’t seem right. I’ve been thinking on it since my last post and some of his behaviours might not be autism, if he grew up around other boys or men, they don’t always treat women as equals, they think they’re better then women and it sounds like his refusal to discuss things with you might be one of those hallmarks. 

    Give it some time, maybe bring it back to being friends until you know each other properly. 

  • thank you for responding. Youve no idea how helpful it is to hear from anyone. Merry Christmas to you as well!!!

  • Hi.. from what you’ve said above, it sounds like you need to explain some things to him about communication or maybe this man isn’t right for you, the choice is yours, lots of work for little gain.

    Maybe you can be friends for a while and see if he changes his views or opinions, the other side is getting to know each other. You can understand why he acts the way he does. If he didn’t want to change, you can search for a different man in your life, he isn’t the only one, you don’t need to stop with only him.

    I hope this helps, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!