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Dating Autistic man - Rigid communication hurts my feelings - would love some advice?

NAS84013

Hi - I am dating an Autistic guy in his early twenties - we are ten years apart and I came here for help because I am not sure what to do. He only briefly mentioned his diagnosis on our second date and I havent felt he's comfortable discussing further and so I never know if some of his behavior is on account of that diagnosis or just who he is (on the spectrum or not). 

For one, he seems very rigid in his way of thinking - whenever I suggest something, he will say "that won't work" without offering an alternative until I continually offer my own suggestions and he accepts one. It makes me feel like he's not interested in spending time together - but then he does accept a suggestion eventually so I don't get it? 

Our BIGGEST issues are these strange and unflinching beliefs he has that aren't even true about relationships. From our third date onward, its been discussions about whether I can get pregnant in 5 years (I am in my early thirties and have no fertility issues what so ever - I even had some tests that put me on par with women in their mid twenties) + I have frozen my eggs with a benefit from work. But no matter what I say, he continually suggests I cannot conceive kids in 5 years and so we will never work. It's very hurtful and insulting - calling me infertile and even when he's presented with facts proving I am not, he just continues with his beliefs that I can't have kids. Even the way he discusses his want to have them in 5 years as if it's all up to him and not as a couple deciding. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me and I am unfit to be his wife - and were not even at the point of discussing marriage! I don't know if this is just him or how his brain works and wanted some advice. 

He also makes these random insulting comments like saying my headshot on linkedin looks like a mug shot and when I mention it hurts my feelings he says "Sorry I just felt I need to be honest with you" 

Another HUGE problem is when we discuss an emotional topic - sometimes im not done speaking about it but he will insist "we already talked about it. we did it" and will refuse to re-engage with me at all on it, even if I ask multiple times to continue - he just stonewalls me with "we already did it". 

Many thanks in advance. 

Parents

  • Based on what you've said, it sounds like you might not be the right person for him.  We all need someone who will love us for who we are, and if you can not cope with core parts of his identity like honesty and the need to plan, then it's probably good to back out before it gets too serious.

    There are things in relationships that are deal breakers.  If he wants kids it is not unreasonable to talk about that at the start of the relationship, otherwise you get invested and then it's hard when you're faced with a choice between what you want and who you love.  It seems like he's concerned about the age difference, which is at the wide end of the scale. I heard the guideline "half your age plus seven" which I think works.  We also get fixated on ideas, that's how our brains work and it's not intentional it just kind of gets stuck.  So if he's worried about the age difference then he's not insulting your fertility, that's just his own fears spinning around his head.

    You seem to have issues with his straightforward honesty, which is very much a part of autism and is not going to go away.  It's not intended as an insult to state a fact or to say when something is not to their liking. For example, when he points out the photo looks like a mugshot he's not saying that you're ugly, he's sharing information that this is not your best picture and if it's what you're presenting to potential employers you might want to think about changing it.  

    About the suggestions on what to do- have you asked him to make some of his own, or just assumed that he would?  Have you thought about how things would work before you make each suggestion?  Do you have many interests in common?

    My other question is- does it matter if the traits you describe are due to his autism or not?  What difference would it make?  Our autistic experience is often so fully blended into who we are, it affects our behaviour, our morals and beliefs, our relationships, our communication, our entire outlook on life.  If this relationship isn't going to work for you, then get out of there before you break his heart, but do it gently.  And not on Christmas day.  

Reply

  • Based on what you've said, it sounds like you might not be the right person for him.  We all need someone who will love us for who we are, and if you can not cope with core parts of his identity like honesty and the need to plan, then it's probably good to back out before it gets too serious.

    There are things in relationships that are deal breakers.  If he wants kids it is not unreasonable to talk about that at the start of the relationship, otherwise you get invested and then it's hard when you're faced with a choice between what you want and who you love.  It seems like he's concerned about the age difference, which is at the wide end of the scale. I heard the guideline "half your age plus seven" which I think works.  We also get fixated on ideas, that's how our brains work and it's not intentional it just kind of gets stuck.  So if he's worried about the age difference then he's not insulting your fertility, that's just his own fears spinning around his head.

    You seem to have issues with his straightforward honesty, which is very much a part of autism and is not going to go away.  It's not intended as an insult to state a fact or to say when something is not to their liking. For example, when he points out the photo looks like a mugshot he's not saying that you're ugly, he's sharing information that this is not your best picture and if it's what you're presenting to potential employers you might want to think about changing it.  

    About the suggestions on what to do- have you asked him to make some of his own, or just assumed that he would?  Have you thought about how things would work before you make each suggestion?  Do you have many interests in common?

    My other question is- does it matter if the traits you describe are due to his autism or not?  What difference would it make?  Our autistic experience is often so fully blended into who we are, it affects our behaviour, our morals and beliefs, our relationships, our communication, our entire outlook on life.  If this relationship isn't going to work for you, then get out of there before you break his heart, but do it gently.  And not on Christmas day.  

Children
  • in reply to Glitter

    sorry but there's nothing "straight forward" about telling someone that's only 32, they can't have kids in 5 years based on no evidence and when tons of people have children in their late 30's. Also when I already went to my doctor and had fertility tests + froze eggs on top of which we discussed how being a mother is the most important thing for me. If we discuss that and he continues to say I can't have kids - that makes no sense - there is absolutely no evidence. Plus, his own mother had him at 43 - so he knows it happens. Freezing eggs is literally for that purpose - to have children when you want - the body isn't the problem, its more about the egg quality after about 45. If I froze eggs in my twenties as a backup and I am fertile now, that should be enough reassurance to stop saying I am infertile. There is a difference between wanting to discuss planning a family/ being honest and making up hurtful lies that aren't true about the other person that they have to continually prove untrue even after they've done it with facts and doctor tests. Saying that's normal is not okay and wasn't helpful but thanks. Planning a family requires 2 ppl - not just him saying "I want to have kids in 5 years". If he wants to plan - it's a discussion between 2 of us, not him saying what he wants and wrongly implying my body cannot deliver that. If you don't understand that then that's fine but don't tell me what I am saying means it's on my end to not accept his honesty. You have no idea how hard I try to communicate with him - I break down everything I want to say and let so many comments that I consider rude/ hurtful go because I don't think he means it. I am very patient and empathetic but I am also a person.