Lost my mum but feeling guilty about being relieved.

Rob, I'm really happy for you and do hope that you won't allow misplaced guilt to spoil this golden time in your life.  You will probably flit around with your emotions, memories and thoughts for the next year or two.....so whilst you are feeling free and happy - enjoy!!

Greif actually takes on many forms and can come out in unexpected ways at unexpected times. My partner has recently gone through a similar experience, and felt relieved, and wondered if he was wrong to feel that way but he isn't and you aren't either. Sometimes I think we don't realise it but we are also relieved for the person who has passed away. The last few months can be so dreadful and prolonged I think secretly we are also relieved that they do not suffer anymore either. But also this is you feeling happy because you have closure now. And you can have the closure now because you probably already did most of your grieving in a slow and steady way begining with when she started to have the falls, because as my partner put it "I already knew it was an innevitability sooner or later and had accepted it long before she died".

Thanks, glad I am not the only one. I liked my dads funeral much better as there was just 3 of of due to Covid. Everybody else seemed so much more upset, I felt like an imposter. 

Indeed , never understood my parents. I guess I cared for my mum only because she was my mum, not out of love. My parents never showed love to me or each other. They should have divorced 20 years ago really. I t just the fact that today I did what I wanted to do, not go and spend half my saturday with her. In the last 6 months she lost her voice and could already not walk or feed herself, but was ok mentally. Personally I will end my own life when I can nolonger do the things that bring me joy, I never want to end up like her.

Feeling relief as well as grief is quite a standard reaction to the prolonged strain of seeing someone close to you decline and be in pain, when that anxiety is taken away by their death. Everyone processes bereavement in their own way and no one should feel that their reaction is inappropriate.

I didn't cry at my mother's funeral either, though I had done plenty before, it just seemed to be a rather meaningless public ceremony that had nothing to do with my mother, or our relationship to each other.

I'm sorry for your loss. And I'm so sorry you're feeling like you are but you shouldn't feel bad for how you're feeling. We all feel and react differently after death and there is no right or wrong way to feel and be right now.

After my mum died of cancer I felt relief as well. She'd been sick for a long time and it was so difficult to watch happen to her and I felt bad for feeling relief when she was gone, but I think she was probably relieved as well. She was no longer suffering or in pain - she was at peace, and that's definitely a relief for us both xxx

Could there be a little bit of having struggled to relate to her? I struggle to relate to a lot of people including my dad, despite intuitively knowing that there ought to be more of a connection there. That makes me feel bad consistently. That could be at play.

But, it isn't always nice when the curtain is pulled back to reveal something quite pivotal. That often happens when someone dies since a stimulus stops (the person is no longer around) and you realise something that you didn't compute while they were alive, mainly because in the course of time while someone is dying you don't plan for how you will feel after their death. Once gone it can hit you like a ton of bricks. I think that however you feel, if you have an iota of peace about their death, cradle it because death can hit people in a lot harder ways. Just go with what you feel. The disconnection you might feel can seem like carelessness but if you process the realisation of your mum's death with relief, then that is something I think a lot of people would wish for you instead of the alternative. 

Whether it is reflective of ASD or not, go with it and don't let it bother you, though that's easily said than done. Separately, I'm always obsessing with 'is it ASD or is it me'. I think the best way to think about it that is that you are you and that ASD is a film which affects your behaviour and experience, not that there are behaviours in you that are not ASD and behaviours which are ASD.

Try not to agonize too much. It is kind of normal. We do a lot of things we don't want to do in this life, but do them because it makes others feel better. You did that for your mum and it will have mattered to her that you did. If you didn't care, you wouldn't have done it. But, of course having your life back is giving you space to be you again. That's ok. I'm sure your mum would want you to have a bit of happiness.

Also, neurotypical or neuro diverse, many people have a sense of relief when someone who was suffering passes on. They aren't suffering any more.

I get it. My parents are in their early 80s and going down hill fast. I will do my best for them while they are here. One day that will be me. I hope my son does not grieve, but turns my cash into something that makes him happy.

Hang in there; Rob.

I was in a similar situation, after my Nan's death, but my brother and I got everything sorted; after loads of trials, and tantrums. My solicitor, she took over our workload in April 2020 after my old solicitor took early retirement, and got us over the line.