Lost my mum but feeling guilty about being relieved.

Hi lost my mum on November 24th, she was 83 and had been going down hill for a while. We had her funeral on Tuesday and I now just feel totally relieved that she has gone. I hated having to give up a big chunk of my weekend to see her. Maybe its my ASD brain but I felt I had to see her even though I had no interest in doing so. I now have my weekends back, I have plenty of money for once and I have zero responsibilities in the world. Never wanted kids, just me and the wife who is responsible for herself. 

It really started 3 years ago when mum started having lots of falls and my dad (who probably had ASD) became her carer, which he hated. He died of Covid in 2020 and I had to sort out a care home, clear the house etc. Since then I have had a massive burden and anxiety. I feel happy for the first time in 3 years, I am back to my normal self, but I feel guilty as I have no specific anxiety other than that around day to day life. I talked at her funeral and did not shed a single tear. Is there something else wrong with me or is it just ASD? Anybody else had a similar experience.

Rob

Parents
  • Could there be a little bit of having struggled to relate to her? I struggle to relate to a lot of people including my dad, despite intuitively knowing that there ought to be more of a connection there. That makes me feel bad consistently. That could be at play.

    But, it isn't always nice when the curtain is pulled back to reveal something quite pivotal. That often happens when someone dies since a stimulus stops (the person is no longer around) and you realise something that you didn't compute while they were alive, mainly because in the course of time while someone is dying you don't plan for how you will feel after their death. Once gone it can hit you like a ton of bricks. I think that however you feel, if you have an iota of peace about their death, cradle it because death can hit people in a lot harder ways. Just go with what you feel. The disconnection you might feel can seem like carelessness but if you process the realisation of your mum's death with relief, then that is something I think a lot of people would wish for you instead of the alternative. 

    Whether it is reflective of ASD or not, go with it and don't let it bother you, though that's easily said than done. Separately, I'm always obsessing with 'is it ASD or is it me'. I think the best way to think about it that is that you are you and that ASD is a film which affects your behaviour and experience, not that there are behaviours in you that are not ASD and behaviours which are ASD.

  • Indeed , never understood my parents. I guess I cared for my mum only because she was my mum, not out of love. My parents never showed love to me or each other. They should have divorced 20 years ago really. I t just the fact that today I did what I wanted to do, not go and spend half my saturday with her. In the last 6 months she lost her voice and could already not walk or feed herself, but was ok mentally. Personally I will end my own life when I can nolonger do the things that bring me joy, I never want to end up like her.

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  • Indeed , never understood my parents. I guess I cared for my mum only because she was my mum, not out of love. My parents never showed love to me or each other. They should have divorced 20 years ago really. I t just the fact that today I did what I wanted to do, not go and spend half my saturday with her. In the last 6 months she lost her voice and could already not walk or feed herself, but was ok mentally. Personally I will end my own life when I can nolonger do the things that bring me joy, I never want to end up like her.

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