Published on 12, July, 2020
I hate small talk. I hate that I can't grasp it. I hate how people randomly foist it on me. What's up with that!? I've been online shopping since Covid19 started but I decided to get out and give a small shop ago. It went ok. I was anxious but I coped and then came the till...... the woman started talking to me like we were good friends.... said about the weather, Christmas, even her cat Boris! I feel drained now. I feel an idiot for being unable to participate in her small talk. All I said was yes, no... mmm... Small talk, one of life's little mysteries.
I don't like it and I don't enjoy it. I taught myself to do it in my 20s, as a misguided attempt to fit into the workplace. On the outside I may be smiling and nodding. However on the inside every fibre of my being is screaming "how can I escape this conversation"
Since my diagnosis I engage less and less in any small talk, since it is masking which I do not want to continue doing. In shops I just nod and don't even attempt a reply. I find that wearing visible headphones or earbuds / earplugs can act as an effective deterrent to any attempts at small talk.
Don't blame you man I need to start doing that. After small talk and any kind of social interaction I'm wrecked from the trying to process everything and the masking that comes with it.
Dopamine vampires are real, I swear sometimes I feel my soul being sucked from me. That would make an amazing film