Small Talk

There is no good reason to hate or be afraid of small talk. Small talk is just an entryway to "deep-talk" (or whatever you want to call the opposite of small talk). That woman opened herself up to you because she wants to build a relationship with you as a customer and a friend. If you were to go back there often enough, I am sure your conversations would get deeper eventually.

If you want to get to deep personal things in the first conversation, then you have every right to do so. Just don't expect the other person to feel comfortable getting that deep about themselves. They may go there, they may not. But don't think they'd be angry or upset at you for wanting to go deep right away. Like, if the first thing you want to say to her is, "Hi I'm [Skater-boy] and I am autistic, which makes it difficult for me to engage in small-talk and make friends sometimes". Then go for it. If you don't want to say that right away, then don't feel like you have to.

The point is, small talk is a good thing to be able to do. All we need to do is take the time to understand how it is used and why it is used.

***

We autistics have more rigid thinking structures when compared to non-autistics. This is what makes understanding things like small-talk difficult, because small talk is itself loosely defined. Something completely unimportant to one person could be very important to another. So how is a rigid thinking structure supposed to deal with flexible things? Just because your thinking structure is rigid, does not mean that it needs to be narrow. Work on making your rigid thinking robust. That is, find a way to deal with complex, fluid, loose, flexible scenarios in a structured way. This is entirely possible, as long as you work at it.

Autonomistic said:

Looking at myself in the large mirrors 

I used to hate that too. Even at home, I avoid looking at myself in a mirror unless I absolutely have too. Admittedly, it has a lot to do with the fact that the person looking back at me now looks a lot older than how I feel. in my head. 

I can do it but I do not thrive on it at all. Part of my mask/toolkit is to have some short, scripted, polite, and generally accepted responses loaded and ready to go incase I have too low energy to give a genuinely individual response. It will be stuff like nodding and smiling and "mhmm", "ah I see", "nice that sounds like fun /aw sorry(sympathy tone not apology) that doesn't sound like fun", and then "I hope you enjoy it/your time", "sorry to hear that", and "hope things improve" before of after "sorry I got someone waiting I got to go" so I can cut the interaction short and leave without being rude. BC it's not that I don't care but I have to guard my social energy bar very carefully so I can actually give my family at home the time I WANT to give them not just can struggle to give them.

It must be nearly 30 years since I last went to the hairdressers. However I still have vivid and horrible memories of them! I agree it was certainly not a relaxing experience.

I can think of many reasons why I will never set foot in one ever again:

• Being trapped in a chair with no easy escape
• The small talk and being asked questions not knowing what to say
• The overwhelm from multiple (more successful) conversations going on all around me
• The hairdresser invading my personal space and being far too close for my liking
• The unbearable noise of hairdryers (I can't even bear to use one at home)
• Disliking having my hair washed due to my sensory issues around temperature and touch
• Looking at myself in the large mirrors 

Roy said:

I have to engage then it’s normally scripted, what is this interest with the weather?

Neurotypical people like to state the obvious. I don’t know and I can’t fathom why you would be interested in talking about something so unnecessary (unless it’s your dedicated interest).

I can relate to that. I have needed to go to the hairdressers but less frequently since Covid as changed to a longer lasting style. I always feel they must think I am boring.

I don't mind small talk about the weather, but I do relate to, "That's another 5 minutes of my life I'm never going to get back." 

If I'm in the right frame of mind I can tolerate small talk, provided it doesn't last too long. It's been YEARS since I last visited a hairdressing salon because I do not find it to be a relaxing experience. I would maybe visit no more than once or twice a year. It was the amount of small talk that made it such an unenjoyable experience... "Doing anything nice for Christmas?" "Going anywhere nice on holiday?" AGHHH! 

I  now get  to the point of being rude. I just stare into space and think, “ that’s another 5 minutes of my life  I’m not going to get back.” If I have to engage then it’s normally scripted, what is this interest with the weather?

Dopamine vampires are real, I swear sometimes I feel my soul being sucked from me.  That would make an amazing film

Prime example a gent got off the bus and felt the need to catch up with me and blurt out that someone (could he something) crashed into the bus in Ponty the other day smashing a window. It was like some kind of emergency alert message with an anti climax. What the hell am I gonna do with that information I now have a million questions and my only response was oooo never a dull moment ey aka end of conversation lol. 

Exactly

Man we've all had that moment like a robot stuck on one word ️

Yes hahaha it's like there hooked up to a timer that shocks them if they don't say everything in a certain amount of time

Try to ask.. I'm always saying "how" and keep repeating it.. Lool

Awesome man. I've never been much good at it but I get what you're saying about people who go on and on. Times like that I wish I could press a silent button hahaha.

I think this is why it's such hard work. Brain is trying to figure all that out quick when it can't do it and all the while the conversation starter keeps on going. The poor brain. Frazzled and burnt out.

Don't blame you man I need to start doing that. After small talk and any kind of social interaction I'm wrecked from the trying to process everything and the masking that comes with it.

I don't like it and I don't enjoy it. I taught myself to do it in my 20s, as a misguided attempt to fit into the workplace. On the outside I may be smiling and nodding. However on the inside every fibre of my being is screaming "how can I escape this conversation" 

Since my diagnosis I engage less and less in any small talk, since it is masking which I do not want to continue doing. In shops I just nod and don't even attempt a reply. I find that wearing visible headphones or earbuds / earplugs can act as an effective deterrent to any attempts at small talk.

Omg small talk is a nightmare! I've never been able to do it. It's like a contest where the other person tries to fit the events of the last month in to the conversation in under a minute lol.