Building self-knowledge

Very sage advice Dawn - I like it.

Wow. Bless you. You'll find all of the above here.

I was diagnosed at the grand old age of 56. Unlike a lot of women though, I think masked less. My first day at school I was bewildered by this play thing other kids were doing, so I sort of stayed in my corner ignored them and did my thing until others took an interest in what I did.

That said, I do have compensation strategies a ton to communicate.

Personally, I think the key to the whole ''who am I?" business is to check yourself once a day, sit your wonderful Autistic empathy and logic and just ask yourself whether the key points are right or wrong. If it sits well, leaving you easy in your skin, go with the flow. If it doesn't, be that awkward so and so who says something and won't comply. The world needs awkward so and sos on occasion.

As autistics we tend to copy others as a 'work-around', because we do not have a subconscious grasp of social interactions and feel that we do not fit in, and are anxious to do so. For example, at around 9 years old I noticed that friends and classmates seemed to be obsessed with football. I picked a football team to follow, watched games on TV, got a Subbuteo set etc. It lasted about a year and then I realised that football did not interest me at all, it was tedious and essentially meaningless. I think that you will find that under the shell of complying with and copying others, like most autistics, you are fundamentally honest, loyal and kind.

I've been a bit missing in action lately...

I only have a report of the top 5, but now I'm rather curious due to Autistic strengths. 

Similar score here: 

 bozoskeleton mentioned Myers Briggs

Try https://www.crystalknows.com/jung-myers-and-briggs-personality-test to see what they say about your personality

I don't think there is just empty shell, it might feel like it, but it isn't true

Sometime ago I found https://autistic-village.com/ There is a lot about how we experience the world and interpret it, including masking and what it is doing to us

Welcome.

This is a good place to be (in my opinion) based on your clear and erudite explanation of your current feelings above.  Congratulations on receiving your diagnosis - although it is clear that you have already realised that these are merely labels and do not help with any of the real hard stuff like inner peace or a sense of identity.  I think that comes later, and conceivably MUCH later.

I am a little worried that you might be hoping for WAY too much, WAY too quickly from this place (and potentially from yourself!)

I think that time and thought are the best routes to what you seek.  I know that this is boring and somewhat trite advice, but I believe it to be true.  You probably need to rake over your coals for a while yet before settling on what is authentic for you - it takes time for the masks to turn to ashes.  Personally, I was so well practised at swapping really well fitting masks quickly from my really big bag of varied masks that I had been accruing for nearly five decades, that I literally had no clue what lay beneath!  I was pretty scared at times and always profoundly lonely.  The bag became too f**kg heavy to carry around by the time I was 45 yrs old.

I'm a 50+ male btw who discovered my autism the hard way - full burnout !  The only advantage of that was the 3-5 years of navel gazing that resulted whilst I worked out what the hell happened - and why - and how to piece (my previously very busy, but weird) life back together better.  I travelled down many interesting rabbit holes during that time - both spiritual and clinical.  Depending on what day of the week / month / year it was, I would have told you all manner of pontifications.  I'm now more content in myself than ever before.  It simply took a long time - and I still have many challenges to mitigate on a regular basis !

This place can hopefully offer you a healthy and friendly environment where you can be comforted by reading the words of other people that will resonate with your experiences and feelings at a frequency and volume that you haven't experienced before?  That has certainly been my experience of this place.  The older threads are overflowing with tips, reading and advice.  Dig in - do every test, look down every avenue, peek in every doorway, read all the research, watch every video.  Remain self-aware - you are in there somewhere!

Don't panic - you are not an empty shell (that much is already very clear from what you have written.)  I reckon you are pretty much like me - just a few years behind my point on our shared curve  - and you seem to have avoided the big BOOM moment that I endured.  I survived, so you will too.  It gets easier.

Sorry if this is not the sort of targeted advice you were hoping for, but hopefully you will find some resonant comfort from it, if nothing else.

Stay sane - and stick around.  Best wishes.

Search, and research.

Whenever one grabs the bull by the horns, we learn to become proactive.

Oh - I've never spoken with another Autistic who took the Clifton Strengths test. curious about your results. I had 4 in Strategic Thinking and one in Relationship Building which basically seems synonymous with Introvert.

I did some Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) counselling this year and 'defining core values' is a key part of that. Even though I'd done some values and goals setting work previously - it definitely helped me refocus in light of my autism diagnosis a year ago.

Try doing a search for 'acceptance and commitment therapy values worksheets' or just 'values worksheets' - that should turn up plenty of material like guided exercises and questionnaires to help you to start thinking about and developing your own personal values.

I also did the 'Myers Briggs' and 'Clifton Strengths' tests a few years ago in the time where everything was really falling apart for me but before I started to realise that perhaps I was autistic. They were helpful in trying to get a sense of myself.

'Life Audit' was another search term that turned up some interesting results around that time for thought exercises and processes.

Good luck - I hope some of that helps.

Wow this is a big question.

I always recommend The Artists Way. But I'd also recommend a book I can't find outside of the christian church called Safe People. Another one called The Journey of Desire. 

At one point I'd reference Safe People and a really horrifying book called the 48 Laws of Power. I needed to understand what I was dealing with and understand the difference between boundaries and abuse. They are often confused.

I've found over time what was crucial to recognise was the absolute difference between seemingly similar concepts. both Orwell and Chesterton have a great deal to say about making these kind of distinctions. Everything is easy to understand in Context of their time. But I've discovered almost all of it applies to modern society in some way. While we might be more technologically advanced and not have the same political parties or impending air of Naxi's, it is the underlying structures and laws of humans which are constant.

Take time. Steal time even, if you can. It is in solitude and uninterrupted exploration we can find who we once were and begin to help that youngling become into themselves. :)