Better/Worse

Yes, I also know the feeling of "I can't be autistic, I can mask with neurotypicals." It's true until the point when I crash and suddenly can't do anything at all.

That's definitely true that functionality depends on so many different factors.

I can confide in my wife, although that's not easy as, for immigration reasons, she's currently on the other side of the Atlantic and will be for some months! I'm currently living with my parents, and they are at least sympathetic, although I'm not sure how much my Dad really understands. I feel sympathy and support is probably more useful to me than knowing exactly what I'm going through.

I understand what you mean about getting married not being an achievement, but I struggled to get married at all (we're still technically in the process of getting married, but I meant more in terms of going on dates and finding someone who actually liked me), so I would see that as an achievement. We don't know if we're going to be able to have children, although we'd like to, so I'd count that as an achievement too.

And you are most certainly not alone Roy!

I think you have just summed my life up. I’m married, have children and own my house. I can’t be autistic, I act just like neurotypical people when I’m with them. I’ve had 50 years of practice. Truth is that I hate going to work everyday and it takes a lot to get out of bed most mornings. The outside world never sees this, I can either be massively productive or just not engage. My wife is the only one that ever sees the real me. It’s strange, we don’t look autistic! What ever that is. I often look at other people and can never workout how they make it all look so easy.

I hate so many of us are feeling like this. I only feel able to express thoughts here. I wouldn’t tell my family the extent of my suffering, as I don’t think they’d wholly understand. Do you have anyone close you can confide in?

I’m the ‘know it all sensible one, who is calm and understanding and helpful and people lean on me, but I myself hate asking for help. Thank you for your kind words. But, as for the the achievements, they’re not achievements are they. Having children? Getting married? Most people do that and no qualifications are required
I think it’s all about how I judge myself. I want to be able to do certain simple things, and I can’t. Instead I have other abilities that aren’t even necessary to function! It’s so frustrating.

stop comparing yourself to others it's allistic thingy

each of us is different

we have spiky skill sets

sometimes we manage to find niche for them

functional / non-functional varies for each of us, depending on ''weather'', mood, time of year, and other unrelated reasons  what I'm trying to say it is often not up to us, because we've been denied lots of things, and we do not always notice it happened,

e.g. I was applying for jobs/ internships for autistic people where they ask to confirm that person applying was diagnosed autistic, jobs seemingly for us, only to find out after many unsuccessful attempts that those jobs are advertised elsewhere as well, and for everyone, so it was all the time popularity contest against allistic, more than that, during last one I asked if they hired any autistic previously and it was a no, so they were advertising themselves at our expense, to look politically correct, with no intention of hiring autistic. I devoted over a year to do that before I noticed

Catlover is right, we mask and conceal from outsideworld how much struggle and turmoil is inside us, not many get to see past the mask

Bingo - beautifully put.  Me too.

I'm sorry you feel like this too. I also feel that I struggle with a lot more than people see. I don't think you're a failure, although I know it's hard to accept that.

"Compare and Despair" is a good way of putting it!

It is hard when we do that...

Thank you!

I was actually thinking about something similar today. Thinking that others see me as fully functioning, because on the outside I look like I am coping with life, I work, I’ve been married, I have children, I drive, I’ve run my own businesses over the years ….

But behind closed doors, I struggle a lot. I can’t manage full time work. I don’t want the stress of another relationship, I have no friends, find it difficult to function and keep up with everything,  and I need support. I actually need help to do the most simple thing, like get a tyre changed in the garage, because I have so much anxiety. I put off everything, avoid everything, and have no one to support me. I feel like a failure at life, despite knowing I’m autistic. 

Compare and Despair is my default Modus Operandi.

My guilt, for the mistakes I made, project into my current reality.

Thank you for that. Not realised others thought like that. Have just been contemplating my week and thinking similarly.

That does sound complicated can't be easy for you. I'm always here to chat if you ever need to. Just think hopefully soon you will both be together and have your second slightly bigger ceremony! 

I don't know if it's an "official" term or something my therapist just came up with, but it is a good way of describing it, I think.

Thanks! The wedding situation is a bit complicated as I'm marrying an American and the immigration situation is complicated. We actually had a very small civil ceremony in New York at the end of August, but for immigration reasons we now have to live on separate continents for the next few months (which is very hard emotionally), waiting for my wife to get a visa to come and live here in the UK. Once we get that, we want to have a slightly larger (although still small) religious ceremony here. So we've had one ceremony and are waiting for the  other!

Oh, yes, that's a sore point for me too, as I always had a vague feeling I would go into academia, but struggled so much with my BA and MA that I never went further, unlike some friends and peers. You're right that it's not a helpful comparison, but I do it anyway.

Wow, that kind of thinking has me endlessly tortured - thanks for raising this! I'd never heard that term 'ladder thinking', but it's very aptly put.