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Better/Worse

Luftmentsch

A therapist once remarked that I have a lot of “ladder” thinking, i.e. I’m “more/less X than other people.”

I’ve noticed that I’m the same reading posts here: if other people are more functional than me e.g. full-time employed, I say to myself, “I’m so useless, why can’t I be that functional?”

But if they are less functional than me e.g. not employed at all, not in a relationship (1), then I feel , “I’m not ‘really’ autistic, I’m too functional, I’m just malingering, I should be able to do more than I’m doing now.” I can’t win either way!

(I say this on a day when I'm pretty much non-functional after a very stressful week, and feeling I should be doing more.)

Does anyone else feel like this?

(1) It still feels like a ridiculous fluke that I’m actually in a relationship and getting married after decades of mostly being single, but I can’t deny that it’s happening.

Parents

  • I was actually thinking about something similar today. Thinking that others see me as fully functioning, because on the outside I look like I am coping with life, I work, I’ve been married, I have children, I drive, I’ve run my own businesses over the years ….

    But behind closed doors, I struggle a lot. I can’t manage full time work. I don’t want the stress of another relationship, I have no friends, find it difficult to function and keep up with everything,  and I need support. I actually need help to do the most simple thing, like get a tyre changed in the garage, because I have so much anxiety. I put off everything, avoid everything, and have no one to support me. I feel like a failure at life, despite knowing I’m autistic. 

  • in reply to Catlover

    I'm sorry you feel like this too. I also feel that I struggle with a lot more than people see. I don't think you're a failure, although I know it's hard to accept that.

  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    I hate so many of us are feeling like this. I only feel able to express thoughts here. I wouldn’t tell my family the extent of my suffering, as I don’t think they’d wholly understand. Do you have anyone close you can confide in?

    I’m the ‘know it all sensible one, who is calm and understanding and helpful and people lean on me, but I myself hate asking for help. Thank you for your kind words. But, as for the the achievements, they’re not achievements are they. Having children? Getting married? Most people do that and no qualifications are required Neutral face
    I think it’s all about how I judge myself. I want to be able to do certain simple things, and I can’t. Instead I have other abilities that aren’t even necessary to function! It’s so frustrating.

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  • in reply to Luftmentsch

    I hate so many of us are feeling like this. I only feel able to express thoughts here. I wouldn’t tell my family the extent of my suffering, as I don’t think they’d wholly understand. Do you have anyone close you can confide in?

    I’m the ‘know it all sensible one, who is calm and understanding and helpful and people lean on me, but I myself hate asking for help. Thank you for your kind words. But, as for the the achievements, they’re not achievements are they. Having children? Getting married? Most people do that and no qualifications are required Neutral face
    I think it’s all about how I judge myself. I want to be able to do certain simple things, and I can’t. Instead I have other abilities that aren’t even necessary to function! It’s so frustrating.

Children
  • in reply to Catlover

    I can confide in my wife, although that's not easy as, for immigration reasons, she's currently on the other side of the Atlantic and will be for some months! I'm currently living with my parents, and they are at least sympathetic, although I'm not sure how much my Dad really understands. I feel sympathy and support is probably more useful to me than knowing exactly what I'm going through.

    I understand what you mean about getting married not being an achievement, but I struggled to get married at all (we're still technically in the process of getting married, but I meant more in terms of going on dates and finding someone who actually liked me), so I would see that as an achievement. We don't know if we're going to be able to have children, although we'd like to, so I'd count that as an achievement too.