Lonely & Depressed

I'm glad the site is good for you.

Re: username, thank you! It's actually a Yiddish term for someone who thinks a lot, but isn't good at practical things. :)

Thanks so much for this lovely reply (to my reply!)  - I’m so grateful for your very kind words - it’s so nice of you to say such warm and friendly words - they are really appreciated I can assure you. 
Like you I mainly only spend time with my family and we don’t know any other autistic people - and talking to other autistic people on here has made me realise that we are not alone, and that there are people out there who we have a lot in common with. We didn’t even realise any of us were autistic until my youngest son was diagnosed over 10 years ago - and then such a lot started to make sense for us. I’m autistic, both my children are autistic and my husband has many autistic traits to. Whilst we try to be positive there’s no doubt that being autistic can make many aspects of live much more challenging and stressful - and there really should be more support for us when we are struggling. 
Thank you for you empathy for my situation. Like you I find the wait for help destructive to my well being. I’m always trying to come up with ways for us to help ourselves - as frankly I don’t have much else or anyone I can turn to apart from my own husband and children. Like you I love peaceful, natural places. I’m lucky that I live in a quiet village with fields behind our house and at night I can often hear the owls (I have a huge love of owls :) 

I also hate really bright lights and although I can enjoy visiting a city I always try to go on a day and time when it’s likely to be as quiet as possible. By the end of a day in the city I’m very glad to get back into the countryside again. 
My son and I used to go on a regular walk round a lake where there was a field with some highland cattle - often standing at the gate near the path. We always used to stop and feed them leaves - it was really lovely and peaceful. There were some little Shetland ponies near there to and we used to feed them leaves to - it was such a relaxing thing to do. I think animals are so good for mental health. Sadly we don’t have pets as we live in such a small house so there’s no room really. We can’t have a cat because they give my youngest son asthma. One of my dreams is to live in a house that has a field at the back with lots of horses in it. I think that would be really beautiful to see that everyday. 
By the way my son has Selective Mutism and social anxiety  - so I empathise with your difficulties with communication. People often don’t understand what a barrier communication issues are and how painful it can be to struggle with that and often they aren’t patient enough. 

Anyway - thanks again for your very kind words - they mean a lot. I hope you have a good day and that you find the book helpful - I certainly have. It talks a lot about being kind and compassionate towards yourself - I think this is very important. It’s so easy for us to feel bad about ourselves when we’re struggling. 
It actual fact you are demonstrating enormous courage and strength in carrying on facing every day at a time when you’re finding life really challenging. You’re not giving up - you’re doing your best and you’re reaching out to people on here and helping them too with your kindness and understanding, That’s actually a very beautiful thing to be able to do when you’re feeling so fragile and tired. So give yourself credit for that :) 

I’m so glad you have supportive family. My family have saved me many many times - and continue to do so (just my husband and children I’m referring to here - my parents have never been understanding sadly). 

Hope you have a good day today :) 

Hello, thanks for your reply and kindness :) 

Life can be very hard and a little disappointing, lots of setbacks and hardly a step towards is just so depressing but I try not to linger on that now. I do wish doctors and just people in general were more understanding to what life is like for us. I see a lot of people and a nurse comes to see me weekly and she gets all huffy because of my speech difficulty and that makes me feel bad. I do try to explain but I think I make it worse.

My family are lovely really I just get frustrated in situations I'm not comfortable in but I do appreciate their help and encouragement I just struggle with these events. I really wish we could live somewhere else where it's quieter and not so smelly and bright. I really struggle with car lights, they are so bright and from my wheelchair they often right in my eyesight and the worst is in winter they seem even brighter and it can cause meltdown it's horrible. Some of the outings are nice like if we go to the park and it's not very busy-but usually it will be my sister's who take me there. I like it because there's no cars, no lights and not the loudness of a shop.

I have got a little notebook I can write in but my mum prefers me to try and use my voice I think she's hoping her encouragement will "fix" me? I'm not sure that's the feeling I get sometimes. I haven't said yet about doing things I'm more comfortable with I don't want to offend anyone or make them feel bad. But I will say at some point.

Actually yes there is a local farm which I don't think is very far of but I don't know if it's public or if has disability access. Thanks for the suggestion though I will Google and see if it is :) I will look for farm shops as well. I have a feeling there is a farm shop nearby but I just can't think where like my brain has frozen now!

I have such a great relationship with them especially my youngest niece her name is Jade she is just lovely and she loves cows as well and tigers, she is a fact machine on them can talk for hours about. Lovely girl. I will talk to them and see if they want to hopefully they will :) 

It's cool you like cows as well :) they are curious aren't they love to watch people which I think might be intimidating at times. I like how they moo lol it's such an interesting sound. I feel happier with a fence between us though :) 

Hi. It is hard but I'm finding lots of other people are struggling in the same way and with other things and I'm feeling less alone now. I am on the waiting list to see someone, so fingers crossed they are kind and accepting :) I actually think this site is the best thing for me at the moment, I can be myself and I don't have to mask or put myself under any pressure it is perfect. I like your username :) 

Hi Kate,

Thank you for such a lovely supportive and encouraging reply. You have such a beautiful way with words and sound a super nice person. I think you're right I've seen a lot of posts here of struggling which is upsetting but I'm glad we aren't alone. I'm sorry you struggle as well. If you ever need to talk about things I'm always happy to listen and try to help :) 

I've noticed that too so much positivity here and a really happy vibe. I think everyone is interesting as well we all are the same but have interesting and unique backgrounds it's fun to read about. It's nice we can all understand each other as well.

It's good you're on the wait list but I agree the waiting is ridiculous feel like I'll go mad before I get to the end of the list. The NHS is great but it's so slow. I look up tips online sometimes try to help myself along the way. My sister Catherine talks to me as well and I think that's like a form of therapy in a way.

Omg your poor son! I'm glad he wasn't hurt and that you can both laugh about it now. I think I would have died of fright if that had been me. I love cows as well, so lovely. When they get scared they go into panic run and I think before people have been hurt. Luckily doesn't happen too much.

I am so lucky to have my sisters and family they really seem to understand and care. Do you have people in your life you can turn to Kate? I'm sorry you struggle with these things it's so hard. I hate depression it kind of clings on and for me it's hard to enjoy things now like I lost all my drive and go. But hopefully it will come back. Like you said it's overwhelming but positive for me to hear you say it's not forever. It feels like it is but I think that's just my negative thinking and when my brain hits negative mode I struggle to switch it back to positive. I think you're right in what you say, you're really clever by the way it's like talking to a lovely best friend with you :) my sister says all bad things pass with time. Thank you for book suggestion! I've not heard of it before but I did just have a look on Amazon and it looks-sounds a useful and great book to read. Definitely pick it up as it can only help and as I'm still waiting I guess I have plenty of time as well. Reading is one of my better skills so I'll get on great with this. I'm glad you're finding it helps even a little so far. Any help is a bonus and a step in the right direction for you :) I hope it continues to help. I'll get it today and see if it starts to help this week. Thanks again for the recommendation.

Thank you so much for this Kate. I'm sorry you struggle-it isn't really fair but at least we have this community and that shows we are never alone in anything. Your message really brightened me up this morning, thank you!

^^

I'm sorry to read you're struggling. It is very hard when you feel lonely and no one understands you. In terms of therapy, sometimes it can be useful to have a therapists who accepts you even if they can't really understand you (I don't know that anyone completely understands what it means to be someone else). I hope this site can be a way of finding people who understand you better.

Hi,

I think a lot of people come to this site at a point when they’re really struggling - so don’t feel bad about that! I did too (although to be honest I’m always struggling to a degree!).

I find it really helps to come on here and realise that you’re not alone, and that people really understand and relate to the issues you’re facing (and not just the challenges - there’s a lot of positivity expressed on here too). 

I’m also waiting for therapy on the NHS - and the wait is far too long. I’ve a feeling a fair few people sort things out for themselves before they actually get to the top of the waiting list! It’s not easy to have to wait so long for the help you need. 

I really like cows - I think they have a gentle vibe to them - but a few months my son was chased by a bunch of freaked out cows on a footpath we were walking on - so he’s definitely not so keen on them anymore! They chased him across the field and he literally leapt over a high (ish!) stile to escape! We laugh about it now but at the time it was genuinely scary! 

Anyway - in terms of finding life difficult at the moment  - you’re definitely not on your own. It’s great that you have family members who really love you and care about you. Your sisters might be doing some of the things you’d like to have in your own life - but you can still find your own way that will work for you in time. Depression can feel overwhelming - but things really can improve I promise you. As they say - the only thing that is certain is change - nothing lasts forever - and the same applies to states of mind. You won’t always feel this way - things really can improve - and sometimes they can do that even when you don’t even TRY to improve them. Sometimes just time passing can have an impact. 
I’m reading a really good book at the moment that’s really helping me with my feeling of anxiety and depression - it’s called ‘How to be your own therapist’ by Owen O’Kane. I got it from the library and I thought that as the waiting list for nhs therapy was so long that I should try this book as the title seemed highly appropriate! If no one else was going to help me at the moment then I would try to help myself with this book. 
Anyway - I think it is helping a bit - so I’d recommend it if you’re interested.

Lastly I’d say again that you’re not alone - there’s a huge amount of friendship, empathy and support on here so we’re all here for you if you want to talk. There’s always hope - we can’t always see it it’s true - but it really is there - just around the corner, waiting for you. Like a friendly cow waiting to greet you…..  :) 

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. It is hard being autistic and misunderstood by the majority of people, doctors especially. I can only imagine how much more difficult things are for you trying to cope with your physical health problems as well.

Unfortunately as you have found hoping things will be better tomorrow rarely works and just sets yourself up for disappointment. 

It sounds as if your family are trying to help you in the only way they know how, by including you in their trips to town and family get togethers. Towns and cities are often very stressful and overwhelming places for autistic people, far too much noise and too many lights. Similarly social gatherings are difficult in many ways. It may be hard for them to really understand how these things are affecting you negatively. They probably think that taking you out will help with your depression, it might but only if you get some enjoyments from the outings.

As you find communication by speech difficult are there alternative ways you would find easier to communicate with your family? Maybe by text or email? Try to explain to your family the kinds of things you would love to do.

Are there any city farm type places in your area? Also farm shops can be good places to visit, as they often have viewing areas where you can see and sometimes interact with the animals. You could research online for wheelchair accessible paths in your area or even quiet lanes adjoining fields where you could see some cows.

It is good that you get on with your sisters kids. Do they share your love of animals? If so they might ask their parents to take them (and you) to the kinds of places where you can see animals.

I like cows too and they often seem to take an interest in me. I find them quite scary sometimes, if they start moving towards me when I am walking through a field. I don't want to get trampled and I feel more relaxed when I know there is a fence or a wall in between me and them!

Hi. I've only posted once on a post about jobs but I will look round the rest of the site now. It's so cool you like cows as well. They are lovely aren't they I think they amazing. I don't get to see many here but I do love them.

Sorry for ranting yesterday it did help but I shouldn't have done it not the best way to say hello on a new site :/ it's nice we're not alone and can get through things together. I'm sorry you and others are the same but I'm glad it's not just me. I don't want to sound mean with that though, of wish we didn't have to suffer like this.

I hope things improve for you.

Hi, thank you for your reply. I don't have any pets but I would love a cow LOL but know that's not realistic at all. I'd like a dog but I couldn't look after it I don't think sadly. Do you have a favourite animal? Your Whippets sound like cuties! 

I've not heard of time lining but I'll look it up. It might be helpful so thank you so much. My GP has said I'm complex but that things will improve and I need to try to stay positive. Sometimes I write down my problems and seeing them written down can help me feel a bit better and less weighted down.

Aw wow what's it like living on a farm? Peaceful I bet . I'm in the city unfortunately and it's not ideal very busy and smelly. Don't like it at all. I'd love to live on a farm. I'd get hundreds of cows!

Hi thanks for writing a reply to me. I love how you think and see things I wish I saw things the same way but maybe it's something I can work towards. Feeling normal is something I often try to figure out how to do but mostly try to mask to fit in but I know that's not healthy. I also live in the city it's quite a noisy and smelly place isn't it.

Hi. I find it hard talking as well but I appreciate you offering that's so nice of you. I'm lucky to have my sister's they really are the nicest people I know and I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

Mariusz said:

I have very little, but I do not want to have many things, they would only make me worry i might lose them, and I have enough paranoia already LOL

Bingo!

Time-lining (or whatever) sounds like a helpful idea.  I'll take a look - thanks for mentioning it.  I think you life sounds great as described, ie farm life with two whippets.  They are one of the most caring and loving breeds (for their owners) that I have ever encountered.  They are very special souls!

Hi, I hear you.  You are not alone.  As you may have noted from a recent post, I have a weird affinity with cows.  I love them and they seem interested in being with me.

The feelings you describe are not alien to me, nor many people on this site.  Don't panic, and don't despair!  My chaos seems to run in cycles, perhaps yours will too?  I seem to have periods of blue (verging on really bleak!) that slowly improve to sunnier times.  You describe the horribleness of your feelings, experiences and behaviours in a way that resonate strongly with my own at times.  So you are not alone.  I survive, so will you.  I'm twice your age so have become more resigned and realised that (sometimes) things just get really, really tough..........but they have always got better eventually.

Stick around moomoo.  Don't panic, keep chatting.

The first thing that hit me about your post was your love of animals.  Do you have any pets ? I have two Whippets and they are my world. They just fix my head :) 

I would personally call you a complex case.  My best friend is in a similar situation. GPs and T's are not well equipped (or resourced) tackle ASD with additional health and mobility issues.  From talking with my friend, I see that they are all interrelated, often in very subtle, yet ultimately important ways.

You were diagnosed some time ago and are (eek politically correct way to say this?) not that old.  Have you heard of Time Lining ? I'm not even sure that's what it's called. It helps you identify the severity of specific issues over time and look at them individually.

Is there not a bonafide site where people on the spectrum can chat or am I being nieve ?

I live on a farm and would love to wheel you along to meet the cows, given the understanding that there would be no eye contact (from me, not the cows), I will be singing to ABBA whilst walking very fast.  I'll start talking to the cows, who will obviously reply in comedy cow voices, while my doggies eat rabbit poo :)

I used to hope for better tomorrow too, until I concluded it only drives my depression.

Nowadays I just want to be normal, not happy, not unhappy, just feeling normal, that's when I can focus on things I like

I found out kids in general, not just my sisters kids, are more tolerant and accepting, and that they like it too, when you treat them like they normal adult and do not talk to them in a patronising way.

I have very little, but I do not want to have many things, they would only make me worry i might lose them, and I have enough paranoia already LOL Just bare essential to live, but unfortunately to afford them I have to work 5 days a week, and to do that I have to live in a city.

I'm sorry you feel that way. The world is a lonely place when you're autistic. Just know that even although you feel different from your sisters, you'll still always have them and they love you deeply. I'm always here to talk too, even though I get a little awkward talking to people. The future will be better.