Lonely & Depressed

Hi, I hear you.  You are not alone.  As you may have noted from a recent post, I have a weird affinity with cows.  I love them and they seem interested in being with me.

The feelings you describe are not alien to me, nor many people on this site.  Don't panic, and don't despair!  My chaos seems to run in cycles, perhaps yours will too?  I seem to have periods of blue (verging on really bleak!) that slowly improve to sunnier times.  You describe the horribleness of your feelings, experiences and behaviours in a way that resonate strongly with my own at times.  So you are not alone.  I survive, so will you.  I'm twice your age so have become more resigned and realised that (sometimes) things just get really, really tough..........but they have always got better eventually.

Stick around moomoo.  Don't panic, keep chatting.

Hi. I've only posted once on a post about jobs but I will look round the rest of the site now. It's so cool you like cows as well. They are lovely aren't they I think they amazing. I don't get to see many here but I do love them.

Sorry for ranting yesterday it did help but I shouldn't have done it not the best way to say hello on a new site :/ it's nice we're not alone and can get through things together. I'm sorry you and others are the same but I'm glad it's not just me. I don't want to sound mean with that though, of wish we didn't have to suffer like this.

I hope things improve for you.

Hi,

I think a lot of people come to this site at a point when they’re really struggling - so don’t feel bad about that! I did too (although to be honest I’m always struggling to a degree!).

I find it really helps to come on here and realise that you’re not alone, and that people really understand and relate to the issues you’re facing (and not just the challenges - there’s a lot of positivity expressed on here too). 

I’m also waiting for therapy on the NHS - and the wait is far too long. I’ve a feeling a fair few people sort things out for themselves before they actually get to the top of the waiting list! It’s not easy to have to wait so long for the help you need. 

I really like cows - I think they have a gentle vibe to them - but a few months my son was chased by a bunch of freaked out cows on a footpath we were walking on - so he’s definitely not so keen on them anymore! They chased him across the field and he literally leapt over a high (ish!) stile to escape! We laugh about it now but at the time it was genuinely scary! 

Anyway - in terms of finding life difficult at the moment  - you’re definitely not on your own. It’s great that you have family members who really love you and care about you. Your sisters might be doing some of the things you’d like to have in your own life - but you can still find your own way that will work for you in time. Depression can feel overwhelming - but things really can improve I promise you. As they say - the only thing that is certain is change - nothing lasts forever - and the same applies to states of mind. You won’t always feel this way - things really can improve - and sometimes they can do that even when you don’t even TRY to improve them. Sometimes just time passing can have an impact. 
I’m reading a really good book at the moment that’s really helping me with my feeling of anxiety and depression - it’s called ‘How to be your own therapist’ by Owen O’Kane. I got it from the library and I thought that as the waiting list for nhs therapy was so long that I should try this book as the title seemed highly appropriate! If no one else was going to help me at the moment then I would try to help myself with this book. 
Anyway - I think it is helping a bit - so I’d recommend it if you’re interested.

Lastly I’d say again that you’re not alone - there’s a huge amount of friendship, empathy and support on here so we’re all here for you if you want to talk. There’s always hope - we can’t always see it it’s true - but it really is there - just around the corner, waiting for you. Like a friendly cow waiting to greet you…..  :) 

Thanks so much for this lovely reply (to my reply!)  - I’m so grateful for your very kind words - it’s so nice of you to say such warm and friendly words - they are really appreciated I can assure you. 
Like you I mainly only spend time with my family and we don’t know any other autistic people - and talking to other autistic people on here has made me realise that we are not alone, and that there are people out there who we have a lot in common with. We didn’t even realise any of us were autistic until my youngest son was diagnosed over 10 years ago - and then such a lot started to make sense for us. I’m autistic, both my children are autistic and my husband has many autistic traits to. Whilst we try to be positive there’s no doubt that being autistic can make many aspects of live much more challenging and stressful - and there really should be more support for us when we are struggling. 
Thank you for you empathy for my situation. Like you I find the wait for help destructive to my well being. I’m always trying to come up with ways for us to help ourselves - as frankly I don’t have much else or anyone I can turn to apart from my own husband and children. Like you I love peaceful, natural places. I’m lucky that I live in a quiet village with fields behind our house and at night I can often hear the owls (I have a huge love of owls :) 

I also hate really bright lights and although I can enjoy visiting a city I always try to go on a day and time when it’s likely to be as quiet as possible. By the end of a day in the city I’m very glad to get back into the countryside again. 
My son and I used to go on a regular walk round a lake where there was a field with some highland cattle - often standing at the gate near the path. We always used to stop and feed them leaves - it was really lovely and peaceful. There were some little Shetland ponies near there to and we used to feed them leaves to - it was such a relaxing thing to do. I think animals are so good for mental health. Sadly we don’t have pets as we live in such a small house so there’s no room really. We can’t have a cat because they give my youngest son asthma. One of my dreams is to live in a house that has a field at the back with lots of horses in it. I think that would be really beautiful to see that everyday. 
By the way my son has Selective Mutism and social anxiety  - so I empathise with your difficulties with communication. People often don’t understand what a barrier communication issues are and how painful it can be to struggle with that and often they aren’t patient enough. 

Anyway - thanks again for your very kind words - they mean a lot. I hope you have a good day and that you find the book helpful - I certainly have. It talks a lot about being kind and compassionate towards yourself - I think this is very important. It’s so easy for us to feel bad about ourselves when we’re struggling. 
It actual fact you are demonstrating enormous courage and strength in carrying on facing every day at a time when you’re finding life really challenging. You’re not giving up - you’re doing your best and you’re reaching out to people on here and helping them too with your kindness and understanding, That’s actually a very beautiful thing to be able to do when you’re feeling so fragile and tired. So give yourself credit for that :) 

I’m so glad you have supportive family. My family have saved me many many times - and continue to do so (just my husband and children I’m referring to here - my parents have never been understanding sadly). 

Hope you have a good day today :) 

Thanks so much for this lovely reply (to my reply!)  - I’m so grateful for your very kind words - it’s so nice of you to say such warm and friendly words - they are really appreciated I can assure you. 
Like you I mainly only spend time with my family and we don’t know any other autistic people - and talking to other autistic people on here has made me realise that we are not alone, and that there are people out there who we have a lot in common with. We didn’t even realise any of us were autistic until my youngest son was diagnosed over 10 years ago - and then such a lot started to make sense for us. I’m autistic, both my children are autistic and my husband has many autistic traits to. Whilst we try to be positive there’s no doubt that being autistic can make many aspects of live much more challenging and stressful - and there really should be more support for us when we are struggling. 
Thank you for you empathy for my situation. Like you I find the wait for help destructive to my well being. I’m always trying to come up with ways for us to help ourselves - as frankly I don’t have much else or anyone I can turn to apart from my own husband and children. Like you I love peaceful, natural places. I’m lucky that I live in a quiet village with fields behind our house and at night I can often hear the owls (I have a huge love of owls :) 

I also hate really bright lights and although I can enjoy visiting a city I always try to go on a day and time when it’s likely to be as quiet as possible. By the end of a day in the city I’m very glad to get back into the countryside again. 
My son and I used to go on a regular walk round a lake where there was a field with some highland cattle - often standing at the gate near the path. We always used to stop and feed them leaves - it was really lovely and peaceful. There were some little Shetland ponies near there to and we used to feed them leaves to - it was such a relaxing thing to do. I think animals are so good for mental health. Sadly we don’t have pets as we live in such a small house so there’s no room really. We can’t have a cat because they give my youngest son asthma. One of my dreams is to live in a house that has a field at the back with lots of horses in it. I think that would be really beautiful to see that everyday. 
By the way my son has Selective Mutism and social anxiety  - so I empathise with your difficulties with communication. People often don’t understand what a barrier communication issues are and how painful it can be to struggle with that and often they aren’t patient enough. 

Anyway - thanks again for your very kind words - they mean a lot. I hope you have a good day and that you find the book helpful - I certainly have. It talks a lot about being kind and compassionate towards yourself - I think this is very important. It’s so easy for us to feel bad about ourselves when we’re struggling. 
It actual fact you are demonstrating enormous courage and strength in carrying on facing every day at a time when you’re finding life really challenging. You’re not giving up - you’re doing your best and you’re reaching out to people on here and helping them too with your kindness and understanding, That’s actually a very beautiful thing to be able to do when you’re feeling so fragile and tired. So give yourself credit for that :) 

I’m so glad you have supportive family. My family have saved me many many times - and continue to do so (just my husband and children I’m referring to here - my parents have never been understanding sadly). 

Hope you have a good day today :)