Newly Diagnosed - Is My Life A Lie?

Hi Colin, hope all is well. I have heard fantastic things about Dr Pravin Thevathasan and was wondering if you have an email or contact number for him? 

Lovely to hear a positive response regarding your experience.

Eighteen months after my diagnosis, I still feel somewhat angry and bitter!  I think you need to give yourself time just to feel what you're feeling, corny though that sounds.  I'm trying to get to a place where I can accept that I've done as well as I could with the hand of cards I was dealt and focus on improving things in the future rather than brooding on the past.  And things can change for the better: I am now married, which I wasn't when I was diagnosed.  My work situation is not good, but I'm working on ways to improve it.

Here is an article about "allistic" people (this is a completely new term for me).

https://www.alexlowery.co.uk/12-things-to-know-about-nts-non-autistic-people/

I've seen some of Orion Kelly's Youtube videos and he's absolutely brilliant! I would also recommend watching Autism's Individual Youtube videos - she takes a straight-forward, yet highly intelligent approach. 

I've been reading and watching accounts of some ASD individuals and many of them are really heart-breaking - and yes, we are capable of empathy. 

I don't want to end my life being bitter and anti-social, but I also realize that the world is as it is and it's not going to change anytime soon - I'd rather change my own world than rely on others.

Once again everyone, thanks for all your kindness and generosity,

Colin

It's a mistake to expect we can have social life like allistic, and it will lead to anger and resentment, but we grow up building that belief instilled in us by our allistic parents and society

I realised after the only relationship I had has ended that I actually like being alone at home, it makes it easier to relax, because you can unmask, and do stims unrestrained

if you want top watch something that may cheer you up https://www.youtube.com/c/orionkelly/videos does hillarious rants

If you consider things after the shock of being diagnosed has warn off a few consolations may be available. You can look back on past missed opportunities and failures and forgive yourself, because as an autistic person, you have daily problems that just do not exist in any way for the majority of the population. You may also realise that as an autistic person you are remarkably successful at living in a society that is not designed for you, and is often outright inimical.

Dear Colin,

Thank you for sharing this with our community. You may find the following page on our website useful:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/post-diagnosis-support

Thank you. I hope this helps!

Best regards,

Eunice Mod

It will take time for you to process your diagnosis. Expect a rollercoaster of emotions along the way. There is a useful article about common post diagnostic reactions here https://aucademy.co.uk/2022/01/20/six-common-reactions-during-autistic-discovery/

Anger is quite a common reaction. You will understandably feel angry at why none of these mental health services have picked it up in the past. It is also common to feel a sense of loss for those wasted years, you will start to reprocess past events through an autistic lens and think how differently things could have been if you'd known and had support.

Gradually you will begin to understand how you may have been masking in order to try and fit in. Then you can begin to start to reveal your authentic autistic self.

I have been on my journey of autistic self discovery for several years. It is two years since I received my formal diagnosis.

Colin said:

I 

now see the world clearly and need to shed the fear and anxiety that has ruled my life so far.

This is similar to how I was when I received my diagnosis. I thought finally I understand what has been causing this lifelong fear and anxiety and can now begin to deal with it. However it doesn't just magically go away. Much of the anxiety is a deep ingrained response developed at an early age. I have begun to understand more the sensory and other triggers for my anxiety but it is still there. 

You may be offered some limited post diagnostic support, as part of your diagnosis. Apart from that there isn't anything unless you're able to pay privately for specialist support.

I've found that right here is one of the best places for supporting and understanding, from people who know what it is like to be autistic.

Thanks for all your words of support, everyone.

At the moment, I'm in a full-time job with people who seem to understand me and support me when I get stressed out. But I have very little social life - I've never had a relationship and wouldn't know what to do if anyone did show interest. All I seem to do is work, eat and sleep.

I'm just angry and bitter about all the life opportunities I've missed out on due to social anxiety and psychological impairment. I feel like I've played by the rules of the game, only to find that the other guy has cheated all along.

Anyway, enough of my ranting! 

Thanks for all your advice and support.

Colin

Lie? Yes

Wasted? No. Unless you deny yourself learning from the past events.

I was diagnosed at 42y.o, and after a year of reading and researching I'm a bit more clear about what I am

Each of us is different and we have many different traits, so I was drawn more to watch https://www.youtube.com/c/Autistamatic and https://www.youtube.com/c/YoSamdySam/featured than https://www.youtube.com/c/AspergersfromtheInside or https://www.youtube.com/c/PonderfulYT, but all of them make useful videos. Autistamatic gives advice even, about dealing with xome things.

Among good websites I liked https://autistic-village.com/ and https://autcollab.org/

Good luck 

Colin, CONGRATULATIONS!

But no, after that we are left to fend for ourselves. Mental Health Servicrs know nothing, although you might find a private autism informed counsellor out there of benefit.

That isn't nearly good enough or what you deserve, but we are here. You are different, but that's ok. Ultimately, that's ok.

This is the lie which helps us understand the truth. 

Hi colin. can completely understand where you're coming from. I'm currently only pre assessed as autistic, not had full confirmation. I know what you mean about feeling you've wasted your life, I think that's a normal feeling, certainly for me anyway. sorry for the cliche...life is a journey, maybe you are one step closer to finding the real you, everything in the past has led to this point. I imaginge its quite common to feel like your life is a lie, everything you thought about yourself has maybe shifted 180, it will take some time to get used to. As for help as others have said read plenty on here, youtube is a great source of info. regarding the help available I haven't been through it yet but I am bracing myself to feel exactly like you if I do get a diagnosis...seems like the official help is thin on the ground. good job there are places like this. good luck

My advice is to read widely in this place at old threads.  There is a huge back-catalogue of advice from  hundreds and hundreds of people who have already travelled the path that you are now embarking on.  Also, I wouldn' think of the time that you had trying to fit-in as "wasted time."  Without that experience, you may not have found yourself at this point.  Moreover, as someone who only realised I was ASD at 50, does that mean my whole life has been wasted? - I think not.......but probably a little under utilised!!

Thanks for your kind words. It makes sense about trying to do your best in the world you live in.

I have a lot to be grateful for, like a good job, some interesting hobbies, and reasonable physical health, but I'm not sure if there is much the NHS services can do for me at this point in my life.

I didn't think I would react like this to the diagnosis.

Thanks, Colin.

I think these are normal reactions.  Certainly they are similar to what I experienced when I was diagnosed in March 2021.  I think I am still adjusting to the realisation that I was trying to fit a a very square peg (me) into a round hole (neurotypical society) for so many years.  I don't think that means I lived a lie, though.  I was doing the best I could on the basis of the best information I had at the time.

As for advice and support post-diagnosis, I'll tell you if I find any!  Sadly, there seems to be little support after diagnosis for adult autistics, and what there is (on the NHS) has huge waiting lists.  We're really just left to process things on our own.