Help me, I’m neurotypical!

piggy1401 said:

my friends are also really supportive as they did their own research and know how to help

Hi Alisha, I'm sorry you've had such a tough time, but I have to say it really warms my heart that your friends did their research to support you.  It shows how special you are to them.  Also, we need as much awareness of our needs out there as possible - understanding makes the world go round for everyone.

Hiya,

Sounds like a really stressful situation that you are experiencing.

Just because he has had an NHS assessment before doesn't mean that he can't do it again so if money is an issue then you could always try it that way. However, if you want to go private and can afford it then it's better to get it done sooner rather than later

I'm glad the first year of school went well, a shame it didn't go so well after that.

I'm not officially an adult but i am going to answer anyway. i got my diagnosis last year when i was 16. before my diagnosis i was a frequent self harmer, suicidal, depressed etc. so I can relate to your son. in terms of support, i have received very little. my school have always been amazing so there isn't much change there and i haven't received anything else. however, the diagnosis meant that i understood myself more and I'm not happy with the way i am. my friends are also really supportive as they did their own research and know how to help. Talk to your son about how he feels with getting a diagnosis and if he wants it then do it, it's not your husbands life, it's your sons and if this could help him then give it a try.

I think the Xbox thing is pretty common among teens, so don't worry about that. set him clear boundaries, 10 hours is not ok

Alisha xx

In answer to your first question about the diagnosis:  Essential!

For those of us diagnosed as adults, it's been a personal choice.  Others who have made it through to adult hood without too many issues choose not to bother.  But for many of those of us who did choose to go down that route, it wasn't because we were merely curious, valid as that may be as a reason for those that were just curious.  Most of us have come to the realisation that we are autistic because we smacked head long into a problem somewhere down the line and were seeking answers.  Without the diagnosis the system and the services would never recognise our need.  Services and support maybe inadequate, but we could not access them otherwise.  Nor could we understand and help ourselves, otherwise.  Many of us wish desperately we had known as children because things could have been so different had we known, had we had the right sort of support...  Most of us are glad we have that belated diagnosis now.

Now, your poor lad is smacking head long into a major problem and he is unlikely to get the right help without a diagnosis.  The good news is, he is still a kid, which means that there are more services for him than us.  His school will have to do an EHCP if he needs one and they must put provisions in place for him.  At the very least it will help his teachers and other educational professionals understand him.  Later, it will help him understand himself.

As for your lad's immediate problems, it's not rocket science to see that he has just been through too much change and too much stress for a lot of kids, let alone one on the Spectrum.  I'm very concerned that one so young should be having suicidal ideation, but we are prone to it and it can be qualitatively very different from that which occurs in neurotypical people.  This needs addressing sooner rather than later by someone who can hold his autism at the core of the problem.  He needs psychological support now and most certainly he needs a thorough assessment.

As to the x-box...  Well, you know we hyper focus on interests and have trouble task switching... that plus the escape from his other traumas will be the source, but no, it's not good for him and I'd be setting parameters.

It’s not easy to get a diagnosis in the NHS, and to be honest, even input from the school doesn’t help. Been there myself. You can get a second opinion, just because they said he was fine, doesn’t mean he is. You as mother know him best of all. I would go back to the GP in the first instance, and bring some info with you to strengthen his case. Make a point of highlighting the autistic traits he has.

As for him, he’s at the age when things get worse. High school is a big problem, and he will be struggling with all aspects, as you already know.

A private diagnosis is in the region of £1800 for an ASD and ADHD assessment. It certainly depends who you go to, so shop around, and look for the clinicians that have experience of Autism, or who specialise in it. 

Regarding the gaming, if it helps him unwind, then let him do it. As long as he’s getting homework done, and eating and caring for himself, I see no issue. You can always try and introduce new hobbies, or suggest that he might like to find a new interest.

Sometimes I do it like your father, for months, 14h a day on multiple accounts playing an online game, but it's only passing fixation for me, until I exploit all possibilities I can think off

Reading fiction was always a bigger passion, a way to relax and disconnect from a world around, ever since I discovered public library around 10y.o.

If he plays X box 10 hours for One day every other week, fine. But the rest of the week I might advise a time limit. However, I let my son play games all day when he's ill or with a broken leg. My father probably spends every evening after work till bed online gaming with 2 characters simultaneously. He doesn't need feel he needs a diagnostic, he's in demand, not retiring, the IT guy for a massive company and builds robots. His generation was different. If someone had more unusual quirks, they chalked it up to personality. Everyone learned basic manners and principles of kindness. Society has changed quite a bit and I believe it will be important for at least the next 20 years or until our western societies recognise that many social expectations and ways of communicating favour one neurotype.

Gaming was part of our growing up. My brother is now in neurology, another works at a company similar to CERN. The Neurologist has a 2 hour/day time limit for his son during school days. 

But, I will say, my son went through some really difficult times and his gaming was a bit of a lifeline. He goes through phases now (he's 25), if he feels he's obsessing over it more than things he knows he really loves, he'll have a friend come take it for a period of time to properly detox. but it does help our sometimes out of control, hyper-connected minds break from over-analysing the world around and trying to fix things well beyond our control. Instead of a screen full of puzzles and problems, I read philosophy in my downtime. The autistic mind doesn't disengage well and for reasons that make it really great. It has to do with how intensely we're impacted, how hyperconnected our neuro-circuitry can be, specific to gamma waves responsible for eureka moments and a flow-state: Monotropism. 

an official diagnosis matters only when you need to enforce Equality Act, at work, or at school etc

from personal point of view it matters if someone self-identifies as autistc

but you are a parent so you are unable to tell, if your child is autistic or not unless there is an official diagnossi

you did not describe any behaviours your child exhibits, how sure are you of your child being autistic?

to play Xbox for 10 hours is excesive for all neurotypes

some games are actually helping a child to develop, but not those you can play on Xbox in my opinion

I'm PC gamer, I learnt english playing RPG games, I play turn-based stragies as well, those games helped me develop sense of organisation and planning, and managing my assets, I did not get any advice about life of an adult, I had to figure it out myself, by trial and error