Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I wonder if anyone can help or experiences a similar thing. I want to try and find a way to manage my internal anger response to a particular situation as the feeling of it in my body is so utterly horrible and I am very sure that it is extremely unhealthy and has a negative impact on me physically as well as emotionally.
The thing that triggers this response in me more than anything is traffic, specifically traffic that I perceive to be driving too fast, dangerously and inconsiderately when I am in a vulnerable situation. I live in a village which has a long straight road going through it, and the only way to go anywhere and to get away from this road is to first have to navigate this road. The speed limit within the village is supposed to be 30 mph but because it is a long straight and fairly wide road, many people ignore this. In my opinion 30 mph is anyway too fast when in close proximity to pedestrians. Outside of the village there is a national speed limit and people go as fast as they can, which is often not appropriate or safe for the road conditions. Many of the drivers do not slow down, move over, dip their headlights, make any reasonable adjustments or take any of the precautions that you would expect them to when they see a pedestrian.
When I am on this road, or on the pavement in the village, and a car drives towards me and past me, too close, without suitable acknowledgment and at excessive speed, it makes me feel extremely unsafe and the anger response it triggers in me is unbearable. Nothing else makes me feel so angry. I want to shout and scream and hurl objects at the car, it is literally pure fury that courses through me. I do not shout and scream and wave my arms and hurl objects at the cars, I can restrain myself, but the feeling in my body is horrible. It is unbearable. I can feel my heart pounding, the blood coursing through my veins and the pressure mounting inside. It gives me an instant headache and I feel as though my head is going to explode. This feeling does not go away after the car has passed, it continues to build for some time afterward and then can take half and hour or even more to subside. Then it leaves me feeling unpleasant for the rest of the day.
I am beginning to feel that the damage occurring to my body due to my anger response negates the benefits of trying to go for a walk. Just to get out of the house I will already have gone through an extreme amount of anxiety, then the anger added on top of this, when encountering such cars, is just too much. So then I will just turn around and go home before the walk has even begun or avoid leaving the house at all. This is not an acceptable solution. There is a possibility to drive somewhere nearby, within 10 or 15 minutes, that is somewhere where I could walk free of cars, but I have a huge amount of anxiety regarding driving (because of all the dangerous drivers and narrow twisty roads in my area). Also, using petrol is expensive and not environmentally friendly so I would feel guilty,
So, I have been trying to do the only thing that I think is possible: I cannot control the way other people drive, I can only try to control my response to it. I have tried praying when cars go past! I have tried thinking nice kind thoughts about the drivers as they pass, wishing them well in their life! I have tried trying to understand them from their perspective and trying to understand their lack of awareness. I have tried breathing deeply and telling myself that it is okay.... But none of these things have worked and, conversely, I just seem to be getting angrier and angrier every time it happens.
To anyone who reads this, even if you cannot relate to the traffic situation, are there other circumstances in which something triggers anger in you like this? Can you relate to the horrible sensation in your body that takes so long to recover from? And, most importantly, have you found any helpful ways to manage this so as not to put yourself under so much stress and therefore make the situation tolerable? Short of moving, which is not a real option, or never leaving the house, I do not know what to do.
People always forget (or discount) "Situation Management" as a viable tool for dealing with anger.
IF I were that guy, I'd be talking to my neighbours endlessly (OR occasionally, at any rate, it's not easy, I KNOW!) about the problem. They may already have idea's...
Although I find other humans (spergy or not) an endless challenge, occasionally interacting with them gives solutions and not just problems. (That's why I still make the effort, and keep learning how other people's minds work, as well as my own.)
Triggers, how we react to triggers - they aren't one thing, we can learn not to react so much, or at all. Some triggers we can control, or avoid, but your traffic trigger is not controllable - you could campaign for a speed camera for the village, but that might take while (or never happen), so really the practical solution is anger management, anxiety management so that you can cope better with this situation as it happens in urban as well as quiet villages. Anger and rage about it is understandable but not doing you good, you are suffering about this when you don't have to . Go out, feel these triggers but work on being calmer about them, think less extremely and when you back home just relax and not churn over what it was like. I had to work on anger/rage that was more from a build-up of trigger stress over time, rather than a single trigger, but either away its best to be less extreme/affected - and find ways to vent it out as well and move on with your day, you can also focus this energy on determination to try and make the village safer.
If you could move to a safer road then that trigger would be gone, but stay or move another trigger in the future might trigger this anger/rage and health impact.
It's good that you have managed to find some response to the situation that helps. Please try not to worry what other people might think. The most important thing is what helps in your own situation.
The fact that these actions help suggests more are more that your response derives from sensory overload. You are reducing your sensory input from sound and sight.
I suspect other senses are involved too, such as proprioception (body awareness) and vestibular (balance).
Something speeding towards you is likely to affect proprioception, as that is the sense responsible for sensing speed. It may be worthwhile researching more about this, to understand more about how you feel that the car is invading your personal space
The vestibular sense can be responsible for things like car sickness. I imagine something similar can happen even when you are not moving but the other object is.
Maybe you can build on that and explore other ways to reduce the sensory input, while still keeping yourself safe from the traffic.
Would it help to have some of these around your neck to quickly use in such situations? It would be a more discreet solution and the action of putting them into your ears may take your focus away from the car for a moment.
I wonder if hiking poles might help to make you feel a little safer. I use them for balance, because I have dyspraxia. I have noticed that I tend to hold them at arms length when I need to stand aside for a car. It helps to put a little more distance between me and the car.
I am glad that the intensity and duration of your angry feelings seem to be reduced. Sometimes I think we do need to feel a bit sorry for ourselves, well at least acknowledge to ourselves that YES this world can be difficult to navigate at the best of times and even harder if we are sensitive to and deeply affected by things that others can easily brush off. The response that we have in these situations is so deeply unpleasant and difficult to endure day in and day out.
Maybe a sobbing reaction IS progress... At least, I think I tend to feel better and more relieved after I have cried than after I have been in a furious rage! As you say, it releases some of the tension.
I cried a little bit for the first time in ages the other day and I did feel a bit better afterwards.
I have discovered that I can avoid the worst of my traffic response if I turn away from the oncoming car, close my eyes and put my hands firmly like a clamp over my ears... but I don't suppose that is good solution as not only is it potentially dangerous, but also it would make me look extremely strange and that is a bad idea in a small village!!
I have definitely made an effort to be kinder to myself and I've noticed that the intensity and duration of the angry feelings seems to have reduced. The trouble is I think I've tipped too far over towards feeling sorry for myself. When it's happened recently I've quickly gone into an uncontrollable sobbing type reaction. I'm not sure if that's progress or not, but at least it does release some of the tension.
I hope that you have experienced some positive changes in the way you react, as a result of being kinder to yourself.
Don't worry it wasn't a silly suggestion. Making friends with the dog would make a lot of sense, as it would be less likely to bark at me and therefore reduce my anxiety about leaving the house. The trouble is that I cannot bear to be anywhere near it when it barks, so making friends with it is unlikely at the moment. I think I've become so sensitised to the noise that I would probably hear it a mile away!
well, its nothing to feel guilty about, i mean, its just asking to be treated how youd treat others to be honest, but, unfortunately, "it is what it is" and your you and theyre them eh
Yes, you taking the dog for a walk would be a bit like me trying to go for a walk followed by a speeding driver, so a silly suggestion of mine really! Even if you managed to make friends with it, presumably you would still have the same response when it barked.
It is the physical reaction that lasts a long time that I too am trying to resolve, As you say, it makes it seem not worth exposing yourself to the trigger. If I find anything that seems to help I will let you know.
You definitely want to avoid increasing tensions with your neighbours and I imagine they would not be able to understand the impact that their dog barking has on you, just as I can not explain how to anyone how the traffic impacts me. I feel bad for you being in that situation. I always try and stay positive however and always like to believe that is a solution, but that I just haven't found it yet.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Hopefully my new dog key ring will prove as comforting to me as your cuddly lion has been to you. We never grow too old for cuddly toys
I have looked into the rules and regulations surrounding the noise pollution. It is a sensitive situation, as there have been issues in the past for other reasons. I don't want to do anything that will risk increasing tensions.
It only barks when there is something or someone to bark at and then shuts up once they've gone. I doubt the council would see that as excessive or persistent.
I did try approaching it and talking to it a few times, when they first got the dog. I thought maybe if it got to know me and picked up my scent it might stop barking at me. However that didn't work and I stopped because I found the noise so unbearable. It is a sort of vicious circle, in that the longer I continue to avoid the dog the less likely it is to get used to me.
It is my physical reaction that lasts a long time, even after the barking has stopped, and that's what I am continuing to try and work on to resolve.
They do take it out for walks. I wouldn't feel comfortable walking it myself. I think if it started barking I would let go of the lead and run as fast as I could in the opposite direction!
Autonomistic said:I would think that fear of a large object hurtling at speed towards you is a natural human response. Somewhere in our ancestry that would have evolved to keep us safe. Same with dogs which have descended from wolves.
Autonomistic said:When I think about it calmly and logically then I know it isn't my fault that I react like that, just as it isn't your fault. Maybe that's one aspect we could benefit from trying to change.
Yes, it seemed to really help me when I started reading about the biological processes involved. It helped to understand what was happening physically and it helped to explain why I was having so much trouble changing my response by thinking logically about it. I have spent a few years now trying to improve my response to fast cars, and as I said, if anything it has just been getting worse. At least now I understand a little better what is happening, then perhaps I can find a new way to approach it and, like you say, at least try not to get too frustrated with myself for my reaction. Being kinder to ourselves will hopefully at least help us to calm down faster after such incidents.
I think that fear and anger are closely linked too... and that they are activated in a part of the brain that bypass the logical reasoning part of our brain... and the biological systems that are triggered when our brains perceive that we are exposed to a threat operate faster than the speed of conscious thought.
Contentedness is a very worthwhile thing to strive for, but does this mean changing our environment or changing our perception of our environment??? Ideally, I would say it must be the latter. It seems we can not change very easily how we physically respond to what we perceive, so can we change instead the way we perceive our surroundings?
Yes, that makes sense. I have an awful lot of "how it should be" going on. And it is something I need to keep reminding myself. It is just so hard to accept that things aren't how I think they should be! That sounds awful doesn't it.
It really annoys me when I scramble into the ditch/brambles/log wet grass/mud etc to get out of the way and they don't even bother to raise their hand in thanks!! In these cases I tend to mutter something unsavory about them to myself and then think "goodness me what I miserable bad tempered person I am becoming"!
Having said that, I'm not sure I can apply the "it's not so much what they do..." theory to when a car is hurtling towards me, too close and too fast!
out_of_step said:Take matters into your own hands....
I quite like the idea of painting a mural on the road that gives the optical illusion of speed bumps... or a barrier... or a huge sink hole! We have an ex- highways officer living in the centre of the village though so I do not think he would be impressed!
out_of_step said:I think we care very deeply and expect others to be the same but they are not.
Yes, this is something that I have got stuck on all my life. I find it difficult to accept that all others do not care very deeply about everything all the time. I think I have unreasonable expectations of how others should think and behave and so I am constantly distressed by the reality of how people are. At the same time I recognise that I fall short on A LOT of things that others perhaps do automatically and I have to remind myself all the time that people are not necessarily wrong for not caring about the same things that I do. It is lonely though.
out_of_step said:I'm not perfect myself and others may see me as thoughtless in other ways.
Yes, it is always helpful to remember this and put things back into perspective.
I do keep having day dreams about asking the local farmers for permission to walk on some of their land, but I don't think the one around here would find the idea very palatable. I actually write letters to them in my head quite often though! You are right, it is better to ask and for them to say no than never to ask and never to find out if they might have said yes. Whenever one of them drives past me I smile and wave furiously to show that I am friendly and respectful... Sometimes they wave back now, reluctantly perhaps. I have a little joke with myself that if they should ever find me one day trespassing on their land (I wouldn't dare, it is just a dream), then they will be so accustomed to waving at me, that I will just smile and wave and they will forget that I shouldn't be there and just wave back!
Regarding the flying cars, well if the technology is like you say, then in that case it might be satisfactory! It would be nice to have freedom at ground level, no more engine noise would be bliss, and it would be wonderful if less mammals were hit by cars. I suppose they would still pose a threat to birds though. What about litter? Maybe the windows should be non-opening so people cannot throw their empty take away packaging, drinks cans and Costa cups etc out of the window to blight the country side as they do now?
Aw, your little dog key ring is so adorable! I hope it helps you. I have a little cuddly lion key ring very scruffy now, that I bought about 16 or 17 years ago. It helps to give me courage when I have to make the weekly trip to pick up my Tesco Click and Click order and makes me feel like I have a friend and source of comfort!
I feel so sorry for you with the dog situation it sounds quite nightmarish, especially if you have one right next door that is in the garden at all hours of the day. I keep thinking about you and wondering what you could do but am sure you have exhausted all options by now. I understand about dogs with a more high pitched barking - it is much more stressful than deeper low pitched barking and, although I do not have the same response as you I can see why it could cause it. That sort of barking is so frantic and urgent and you can literally feel it shoot right through you to your finger tips. It is an extremely agitating sound and I would also find it impossible to relax in your situation.
The only thought I had is that, persistent barking does classify as noise pollution so perhaps you could consider reporting it to your local council? https://www.gov.uk/report-noise-pollution-to-council
I am assuming that it is not possible to speak to your neighbours about it? Of course it is a difficult situation as you don't want to inadvertently make things worse for the dog. Do they walk it? Maybe you could make friends with it, offer to walk it for them and then tire it out so much with a lovely long walk in the open fields that it doesn't have the energy to bark as it would be so contented...!
ello, yeah, i do that, i call it "pedestrian rage" lol, i tend to have verbal outbursts from a quick surge of anger, usually aggressive but i dont have any physical actions, well, aside from a dirty look or sticking finger up etc.
many things set it off in me, but one major consistency is it generally revolves around common decency, so yeah, cars, someone nit saying thank you when ive blatantly gone out my way, loads lol.
ive stopped doing this, and i suppose i should try to start training myself to again, but attempt to remind that it's the "how it should be" not "how it is" that is causing it, i had mixed success with it, but well, its not so much what they do that pisses you off, but what theyre not doing
hope that made sense and is of sone use
Thanks I agree that would have been a more appropriate word to use and I have edited my post.
I too believe that they are linked.
"The comment earlier in this discussion (from I Sperg) confirms they are closely linked".
Perhaps should read:
The comment earlier in this discussion (from I Sperg) suggests they are closely linked.
I am nowhere near as competent a psychologist as I'd like to be, fear and anger are linked in my mind, but that may not be universal. I might be right, but it needs more testing before you take it as gospel.
I "solved" my anger issues by use of cannabis, and mindfulness techniques to blunt the severity of the outbursts and reduce the frequency of them. Always remember that anger is YOUR personal problem, no matter who causes it, and although sometimes it is THE RIGHT reaction to a situation, often it is just a horrible thing to either experience or witness..
Anger seems to be like a short term power boost for your willpower, probably a chemical release authorised by your subconscious mind. I get WAY less of it when I feel in control of my circumstances and happy.
I get flashes of it when I am diverted from a course of action, or a job I am engaged in. That can be a fly, buzzing around my face, my O/H telling me something or the phone ringing or simply having to make THREE attempts to get the cardboard tube in the back end of my spliff.
Interestingly, (to me) I recently made a personal political decision that NOTHING is worth "struggling" with. I'm either not going to bother, or I will do a task with relative ease and no interruptions. It seems to be making me much happier, and less prone to anger.
Contentedness seems to be the opposite to anger.
IF we solve this one mateys, we may make a contribution to world peace!
Yes from what I have read it is part of the biological and primitive 'fight or flight' response.
That's led me to wonder is it actually anger or is it fear, or a combination of both? Wanting to throw and hit things can arise from the 'fight' response. The comment earlier in this discussion (from I Sperg) suggests they are closely linked.
What is Anger?
Some say it is an exaggerated "fight or flight response" and essentially a fear reaction.
I would think that fear of a large object hurtling at speed towards you is a natural human response. Somewhere in our ancestry that would have evolved to keep us safe. Same with dogs which have descended from wolves.
I don't think my anger is directed towards the dog. If anything I feel sorry for it, having to live with such owners! I do have some anger towards the owners and their unwillingness or inability to train it not to bark. However like you I think that a large part of the frustration is directed towards myself, for not being able to control my physical response.
Ultimately that anger and frustration directed at ourselves is probably making the situation worse. When I think about it calmly and logically then I know it isn't my fault that I react like that, just as it isn't your fault. Maybe that's one aspect we could benefit from trying to change.
With regards to that boy racer engine then yes I can feel the vibrations too, even with all the doors and windows closed.
It is the high pitched yapping of the smaller terrier dogs that invoke this response. Noise from larger dogs, with a more gruff type of bark, does not invoke such an intense response.
There are several of these small terrier dogs in the neighbourhood and I can immediately recognise which dog is barking from the noise they make. The noise from this one in particular really triggers me.
Yes I do feel trapped. This morning I opened my door to put something in the recycling box, which is just outside, and that was enough to set it off. I only put my arm out and didn't even step outside!
I doubt they will move unfortunately. They tend to let the dog out in the garden very early in the morning, before I get up. If I get woken by the noise of the barking it puts me on edge all day and makes my general anxiety worse. It is also in their garden until very late in the evening.
You are right of course about the benefits of going out. I am working on ways to overcome this and your suggestion of making an appointment with myself is a good one.
One of the things I am experimenting with is this adorable little dog keyring. My intention is to stroke that while I am in the house and can hear the barking. I'm hoping it might provide some sensory distraction at least. Maybe it might even help to convince that deep part of my brain that what I am hearing is just a pet and not some immediate life threatening emergency.