Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I wonder if anyone can help or experiences a similar thing. I want to try and find a way to manage my internal anger response to a particular situation as the feeling of it in my body is so utterly horrible and I am very sure that it is extremely unhealthy and has a negative impact on me physically as well as emotionally.
The thing that triggers this response in me more than anything is traffic, specifically traffic that I perceive to be driving too fast, dangerously and inconsiderately when I am in a vulnerable situation. I live in a village which has a long straight road going through it, and the only way to go anywhere and to get away from this road is to first have to navigate this road. The speed limit within the village is supposed to be 30 mph but because it is a long straight and fairly wide road, many people ignore this. In my opinion 30 mph is anyway too fast when in close proximity to pedestrians. Outside of the village there is a national speed limit and people go as fast as they can, which is often not appropriate or safe for the road conditions. Many of the drivers do not slow down, move over, dip their headlights, make any reasonable adjustments or take any of the precautions that you would expect them to when they see a pedestrian.
When I am on this road, or on the pavement in the village, and a car drives towards me and past me, too close, without suitable acknowledgment and at excessive speed, it makes me feel extremely unsafe and the anger response it triggers in me is unbearable. Nothing else makes me feel so angry. I want to shout and scream and hurl objects at the car, it is literally pure fury that courses through me. I do not shout and scream and wave my arms and hurl objects at the cars, I can restrain myself, but the feeling in my body is horrible. It is unbearable. I can feel my heart pounding, the blood coursing through my veins and the pressure mounting inside. It gives me an instant headache and I feel as though my head is going to explode. This feeling does not go away after the car has passed, it continues to build for some time afterward and then can take half and hour or even more to subside. Then it leaves me feeling unpleasant for the rest of the day.
I am beginning to feel that the damage occurring to my body due to my anger response negates the benefits of trying to go for a walk. Just to get out of the house I will already have gone through an extreme amount of anxiety, then the anger added on top of this, when encountering such cars, is just too much. So then I will just turn around and go home before the walk has even begun or avoid leaving the house at all. This is not an acceptable solution. There is a possibility to drive somewhere nearby, within 10 or 15 minutes, that is somewhere where I could walk free of cars, but I have a huge amount of anxiety regarding driving (because of all the dangerous drivers and narrow twisty roads in my area). Also, using petrol is expensive and not environmentally friendly so I would feel guilty,
So, I have been trying to do the only thing that I think is possible: I cannot control the way other people drive, I can only try to control my response to it. I have tried praying when cars go past! I have tried thinking nice kind thoughts about the drivers as they pass, wishing them well in their life! I have tried trying to understand them from their perspective and trying to understand their lack of awareness. I have tried breathing deeply and telling myself that it is okay.... But none of these things have worked and, conversely, I just seem to be getting angrier and angrier every time it happens.
To anyone who reads this, even if you cannot relate to the traffic situation, are there other circumstances in which something triggers anger in you like this? Can you relate to the horrible sensation in your body that takes so long to recover from? And, most importantly, have you found any helpful ways to manage this so as not to put yourself under so much stress and therefore make the situation tolerable? Short of moving, which is not a real option, or never leaving the house, I do not know what to do.
I can totally relate to everything you have said. I am going through something similar currently, except for me the trigger is dog barking.
The sensation is horrible. The noise triggers an instantaneous anger response in me. Also anxiety mixed in I think but mainly anger. Like many autistic people I am not great at recognising emotions. My heart pounds out of control, I can feel the blood pumping and the pressure mounting inside my head. If I am wearing some kind of earplugs or ear defenders, to try and block out the noise, then that seems to amplify the effect inside my body. Then the sensory overload from my own internal response just adds to the problem.
Some of the resultant anger meltdowns have been have been so bad I have scared myself. I can usually bottle up my anger until I manage to get back inside the safety of my home, but once there I can explode. I have caused damage by throwing and kicking things. One day I slammed my door so hard that the key inside the lock snapped in half. Sometimes after the initial anger has subsided I just sob uncontrollably, which is not usual for me.
I totally understand the after effects as well. It can take me several hours to calm down and it often results in a debilitating headache or migraine.
I don't have any answers yet unfortunately, as like you I do not know what to do. I also seem to have a more intense anger response every time it happens. It has got to the stage where I will do anything to avoid triggering that response.
I would like to move but where would I go, even if I could afford to. There will be dogs everywhere, just as for you there will be traffic everywhere. Then the idea of moving absolutely terrifies me, because I do not cope well with change.
I haven't been out for a walk for several weeks, it got to the point where I felt that the stress and anxiety from going out outweighed the benefits. I do not want to stay in all the time. As we discussed on another topic, we need to get out in nature for our own wellbeing.
I also recognise that it is my response that needs to change. I am trying various things and I'll report back here if I find anything that helps.
I'm wondering if some sort of CBT might help, but my experiences of that type of therapy in the past haven't been great. The services locally don't seem to have any understanding of autism and no specialist support is available.
Whilst I certainly would not wish this sort of suffering on anyone, there is some comfort in being here with people who have experienced something similar and who do understand.
It sounds as though the same thing happens to our bodies, albeit with different triggers. And yes, there is comfort in being able to exchange an account of our experiences with others who can understand.
Is it a particular dog or type of barking that triggers this response in you, or can it be any dog and any type of barking? I remember from the other post that you said you couldn't even go in your garden because that set off your neighbours dog barking and I can imagine how trapped that would make you feel. Do you think there is any chance that THEY might move?! Could you go out for a walk early in the morning or later in the evening to avoid them?
I can completely understand wanting to do anything to avoid the unpleasant feeling and I too sometimes feel that the stress and anxiety from going out outweighs the benefits. But in doing so we forgo something essential to our happiness and well being. The only thing I would say that, is even if going out is absolutely awful, and even if at the time I am telling myself "this is it, I am NEVER going to leave the house again!", there is usually some relief at least in being able to return - and it then makes being inside feel better and more bearable than if you had not gone out at all. Sometimes it helps me to tell myself that I am GOING to go out at such and such a time tomorrow, and that it is non negotiable. Sort of like having an appointment with myself. It doesn't always work, but it does make it more likely that I will manage to leave the house than if I am not committed to it and then it is all to easy to put it off and generally do anything to avoid it.
It is the high pitched yapping of the smaller terrier dogs that invoke this response. Noise from larger dogs, with a more gruff type of bark, does not invoke such an intense response.
There are several of these small terrier dogs in the neighbourhood and I can immediately recognise which dog is barking from the noise they make. The noise from this one in particular really triggers me.
Yes I do feel trapped. This morning I opened my door to put something in the recycling box, which is just outside, and that was enough to set it off. I only put my arm out and didn't even step outside!
I doubt they will move unfortunately. They tend to let the dog out in the garden very early in the morning, before I get up. If I get woken by the noise of the barking it puts me on edge all day and makes my general anxiety worse. It is also in their garden until very late in the evening.
You are right of course about the benefits of going out. I am working on ways to overcome this and your suggestion of making an appointment with myself is a good one.
One of the things I am experimenting with is this adorable little dog keyring. My intention is to stroke that while I am in the house and can hear the barking. I'm hoping it might provide some sensory distraction at least. Maybe it might even help to convince that deep part of my brain that what I am hearing is just a pet and not some immediate life threatening emergency.
Don't worry it wasn't a silly suggestion. Making friends with the dog would make a lot of sense, as it would be less likely to bark at me and therefore reduce my anxiety about leaving the house. The trouble is that I cannot bear to be anywhere near it when it barks, so making friends with it is unlikely at the moment. I think I've become so sensitised to the noise that I would probably hear it a mile away!
Yes, you taking the dog for a walk would be a bit like me trying to go for a walk followed by a speeding driver, so a silly suggestion of mine really! Even if you managed to make friends with it, presumably you would still have the same response when it barked.
It is the physical reaction that lasts a long time that I too am trying to resolve, As you say, it makes it seem not worth exposing yourself to the trigger. If I find anything that seems to help I will let you know.
You definitely want to avoid increasing tensions with your neighbours and I imagine they would not be able to understand the impact that their dog barking has on you, just as I can not explain how to anyone how the traffic impacts me. I feel bad for you being in that situation. I always try and stay positive however and always like to believe that is a solution, but that I just haven't found it yet.
Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Hopefully my new dog key ring will prove as comforting to me as your cuddly lion has been to you. We never grow too old for cuddly toys
I have looked into the rules and regulations surrounding the noise pollution. It is a sensitive situation, as there have been issues in the past for other reasons. I don't want to do anything that will risk increasing tensions.
It only barks when there is something or someone to bark at and then shuts up once they've gone. I doubt the council would see that as excessive or persistent.
I did try approaching it and talking to it a few times, when they first got the dog. I thought maybe if it got to know me and picked up my scent it might stop barking at me. However that didn't work and I stopped because I found the noise so unbearable. It is a sort of vicious circle, in that the longer I continue to avoid the dog the less likely it is to get used to me.
It is my physical reaction that lasts a long time, even after the barking has stopped, and that's what I am continuing to try and work on to resolve.
They do take it out for walks. I wouldn't feel comfortable walking it myself. I think if it started barking I would let go of the lead and run as fast as I could in the opposite direction!
Aw, your little dog key ring is so adorable! I hope it helps you. I have a little cuddly lion key ring very scruffy now, that I bought about 16 or 17 years ago. It helps to give me courage when I have to make the weekly trip to pick up my Tesco Click and Click order and makes me feel like I have a friend and source of comfort!
I feel so sorry for you with the dog situation it sounds quite nightmarish, especially if you have one right next door that is in the garden at all hours of the day. I keep thinking about you and wondering what you could do but am sure you have exhausted all options by now. I understand about dogs with a more high pitched barking - it is much more stressful than deeper low pitched barking and, although I do not have the same response as you I can see why it could cause it. That sort of barking is so frantic and urgent and you can literally feel it shoot right through you to your finger tips. It is an extremely agitating sound and I would also find it impossible to relax in your situation.
The only thought I had is that, persistent barking does classify as noise pollution so perhaps you could consider reporting it to your local council? https://www.gov.uk/report-noise-pollution-to-council
I am assuming that it is not possible to speak to your neighbours about it? Of course it is a difficult situation as you don't want to inadvertently make things worse for the dog. Do they walk it? Maybe you could make friends with it, offer to walk it for them and then tire it out so much with a lovely long walk in the open fields that it doesn't have the energy to bark as it would be so contented...!