Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello,
I wonder if anyone can help or experiences a similar thing. I want to try and find a way to manage my internal anger response to a particular situation as the feeling of it in my body is so utterly horrible and I am very sure that it is extremely unhealthy and has a negative impact on me physically as well as emotionally.
The thing that triggers this response in me more than anything is traffic, specifically traffic that I perceive to be driving too fast, dangerously and inconsiderately when I am in a vulnerable situation. I live in a village which has a long straight road going through it, and the only way to go anywhere and to get away from this road is to first have to navigate this road. The speed limit within the village is supposed to be 30 mph but because it is a long straight and fairly wide road, many people ignore this. In my opinion 30 mph is anyway too fast when in close proximity to pedestrians. Outside of the village there is a national speed limit and people go as fast as they can, which is often not appropriate or safe for the road conditions. Many of the drivers do not slow down, move over, dip their headlights, make any reasonable adjustments or take any of the precautions that you would expect them to when they see a pedestrian.
When I am on this road, or on the pavement in the village, and a car drives towards me and past me, too close, without suitable acknowledgment and at excessive speed, it makes me feel extremely unsafe and the anger response it triggers in me is unbearable. Nothing else makes me feel so angry. I want to shout and scream and hurl objects at the car, it is literally pure fury that courses through me. I do not shout and scream and wave my arms and hurl objects at the cars, I can restrain myself, but the feeling in my body is horrible. It is unbearable. I can feel my heart pounding, the blood coursing through my veins and the pressure mounting inside. It gives me an instant headache and I feel as though my head is going to explode. This feeling does not go away after the car has passed, it continues to build for some time afterward and then can take half and hour or even more to subside. Then it leaves me feeling unpleasant for the rest of the day.
I am beginning to feel that the damage occurring to my body due to my anger response negates the benefits of trying to go for a walk. Just to get out of the house I will already have gone through an extreme amount of anxiety, then the anger added on top of this, when encountering such cars, is just too much. So then I will just turn around and go home before the walk has even begun or avoid leaving the house at all. This is not an acceptable solution. There is a possibility to drive somewhere nearby, within 10 or 15 minutes, that is somewhere where I could walk free of cars, but I have a huge amount of anxiety regarding driving (because of all the dangerous drivers and narrow twisty roads in my area). Also, using petrol is expensive and not environmentally friendly so I would feel guilty,
So, I have been trying to do the only thing that I think is possible: I cannot control the way other people drive, I can only try to control my response to it. I have tried praying when cars go past! I have tried thinking nice kind thoughts about the drivers as they pass, wishing them well in their life! I have tried trying to understand them from their perspective and trying to understand their lack of awareness. I have tried breathing deeply and telling myself that it is okay.... But none of these things have worked and, conversely, I just seem to be getting angrier and angrier every time it happens.
To anyone who reads this, even if you cannot relate to the traffic situation, are there other circumstances in which something triggers anger in you like this? Can you relate to the horrible sensation in your body that takes so long to recover from? And, most importantly, have you found any helpful ways to manage this so as not to put yourself under so much stress and therefore make the situation tolerable? Short of moving, which is not a real option, or never leaving the house, I do not know what to do.
Having thought some more about this I'm not sure that CBT would be of any help. My understanding is that it involves examining the thought processes during the situation. I simply do not know what the thought processes are. When the particular noise that gets to me starts I can go from zero to ready to explode in a millisecond. I assume it's due to being autistic and the sensory aspect of the noise.
Whereas other things that irritate and anger me tend to be more of a slow build up of annoyance and anger. Traffic for instance, which results in the intense anger response for you.
Where it does really annoy me is on a local country lane I use for walks. It is very narrow, only the width of a car, and in places there is nowhere I can safely step off the road to avoid oncoming vehicles. There is a ditch with a stream on one side and a bank with lots of nettles on the other. Both unsafe places to try and stand to allow a vehicle to pass. I get annoyed at why they are using this lane in the first place. There is a perfectly wide main road they could use, which leads to the same place and only involves driving an extra 1/2 mile.
I also get annoyed at people who leave their engine running unnecessarily. The noise and the obnoxious fumes they generate annoy me more and more the longer they leave it running. You know the type, they'll be sat in their car wearing a t-shirt in the middle of winter and they 'need' to keep the engine running to keep warm.
A young man who has recently moved into my neighbourhood has one of those modified 'boy racer' cars with a very loud engine (that sounds more like a motorbike). Whenever he goes out he sits and revs the engine for 5-10 minutes first. I don't know why he thinks it is necessary to do that. I can feel the anger building the longer I have to listen to this noise
One thing I have noticed is that my traffic related anger and annoyance seems to be directed more towards the drivers. When I'm driving myself I tend to see other cars as inanimate objects and I do not think about or look at who is driving. I'm wondering if that might help in your situation? Do you know if it is the cars or actions of the drivers that trigger your response?
Autonomistic said:Having thought some more about this I'm not sure that CBT would be of any help. My understanding is that it involves examining the thought processes during the situation. I simply do not know what the thought processes are. When the particular noise that gets to me starts I can go from zero to ready to explode in a millisecond. I assume it's due to being autistic and the sensory aspect of the noise
Yes, it is the zero to ready explode in a millisecond that happens to me with the cars too. If they drive towards me at a reasonable speed and pass in a suitably precautionary manner, I am fine, and actually feel quite calm and happy... but when they don't, then that is when my response is rapid and, internally, out of control. I am currently on a 5 month waiting list for an assessment to see if I am suitable for CBT for another issue, but like you I do not think it would help with this. The biological reason being, according to what I was reading earlier today, that our nervous system has leapt into full action BEFORE we have had time to consciously process what is going on.
Autonomistic said:A young man who has recently moved into my neighbourhood has one of those modified 'boy racer' cars with a very loud engine (that sounds more like a motorbike). Whenever he goes out he sits and revs the engine for 5-10 minutes first. I don't know why he thinks it is necessary to do that. I can feel the anger building the longer I have to listen to this noise
There is a not so young man here two doors away with a car just like that and it has not been unknown for him to leave his engine running for up to twenty minutes before finally driving away! Even with the windows closed and double glazing I can FEEL the vibrations on my body as well as hear them. Like you, this does not provoke an immediate anger response, it is more of a slow building simmering irritation that gradually reaches a crescendo. I end up sitting in my room shouting "shut up" and when it finally gets unbearable, I even consider marching round and turning the ignition off myself!
Autonomistic said:I also get annoyed at people who leave their engine running unnecessarily. The noise and the obnoxious fumes they generate annoy me more and more the longer they leave it running. You know the type, they'll be sat in their car wearing a t-shirt in the middle of winter and they 'need' to keep the engine running to keep warm.
I know exactly the type.. and all the noise and fumes spewing out filling the air whilst they sit inside oblivious.. And sometimes they don't turn off their headlights either! :-)
Autonomistic said:One thing I have noticed is that my traffic related anger and annoyance seems to be directed more towards the drivers. When I'm driving myself I tend to see other cars as inanimate objects and I do not think about or look at who is driving. I'm wondering if that might help in your situation? Do you know if it is the cars or actions of the drivers that trigger your response?
I think it is my visual and aural perception of the speed at which the car is travelling that triggers my response, After this the anger is very much directed at the driver, being the one who is responsible for controlling the very large heavy metal object hurtling towards me! This then fades though into more of a distress at the way my body is feeling and ultimately winds up as frustration towards myself for not being able to control my physical response.
I wonder if with you, the deep part of your brain interprets the sound of the dog barking as an immediate life threatening emergency? Is your anger afterwards directed toward the dog or the owner, or neither?
Yes from what I have read it is part of the biological and primitive 'fight or flight' response.
That's led me to wonder is it actually anger or is it fear, or a combination of both? Wanting to throw and hit things can arise from the 'fight' response. The comment earlier in this discussion (from I Sperg) suggests they are closely linked.
What is Anger?
Some say it is an exaggerated "fight or flight response" and essentially a fear reaction.
I would think that fear of a large object hurtling at speed towards you is a natural human response. Somewhere in our ancestry that would have evolved to keep us safe. Same with dogs which have descended from wolves.
I don't think my anger is directed towards the dog. If anything I feel sorry for it, having to live with such owners! I do have some anger towards the owners and their unwillingness or inability to train it not to bark. However like you I think that a large part of the frustration is directed towards myself, for not being able to control my physical response.
Ultimately that anger and frustration directed at ourselves is probably making the situation worse. When I think about it calmly and logically then I know it isn't my fault that I react like that, just as it isn't your fault. Maybe that's one aspect we could benefit from trying to change.
With regards to that boy racer engine then yes I can feel the vibrations too, even with all the doors and windows closed.
It's good that you have managed to find some response to the situation that helps. Please try not to worry what other people might think. The most important thing is what helps in your own situation.
The fact that these actions help suggests more are more that your response derives from sensory overload. You are reducing your sensory input from sound and sight.
I suspect other senses are involved too, such as proprioception (body awareness) and vestibular (balance).
Something speeding towards you is likely to affect proprioception, as that is the sense responsible for sensing speed. It may be worthwhile researching more about this, to understand more about how you feel that the car is invading your personal space
The vestibular sense can be responsible for things like car sickness. I imagine something similar can happen even when you are not moving but the other object is.
Maybe you can build on that and explore other ways to reduce the sensory input, while still keeping yourself safe from the traffic.
Would it help to have some of these around your neck to quickly use in such situations? It would be a more discreet solution and the action of putting them into your ears may take your focus away from the car for a moment.
I wonder if hiking poles might help to make you feel a little safer. I use them for balance, because I have dyspraxia. I have noticed that I tend to hold them at arms length when I need to stand aside for a car. It helps to put a little more distance between me and the car.
I am glad that the intensity and duration of your angry feelings seem to be reduced. Sometimes I think we do need to feel a bit sorry for ourselves, well at least acknowledge to ourselves that YES this world can be difficult to navigate at the best of times and even harder if we are sensitive to and deeply affected by things that others can easily brush off. The response that we have in these situations is so deeply unpleasant and difficult to endure day in and day out.
Maybe a sobbing reaction IS progress... At least, I think I tend to feel better and more relieved after I have cried than after I have been in a furious rage! As you say, it releases some of the tension.
I cried a little bit for the first time in ages the other day and I did feel a bit better afterwards.
I have discovered that I can avoid the worst of my traffic response if I turn away from the oncoming car, close my eyes and put my hands firmly like a clamp over my ears... but I don't suppose that is good solution as not only is it potentially dangerous, but also it would make me look extremely strange and that is a bad idea in a small village!!
I have definitely made an effort to be kinder to myself and I've noticed that the intensity and duration of the angry feelings seems to have reduced. The trouble is I think I've tipped too far over towards feeling sorry for myself. When it's happened recently I've quickly gone into an uncontrollable sobbing type reaction. I'm not sure if that's progress or not, but at least it does release some of the tension.
I hope that you have experienced some positive changes in the way you react, as a result of being kinder to yourself.
Autonomistic said:I would think that fear of a large object hurtling at speed towards you is a natural human response. Somewhere in our ancestry that would have evolved to keep us safe. Same with dogs which have descended from wolves.
Autonomistic said:When I think about it calmly and logically then I know it isn't my fault that I react like that, just as it isn't your fault. Maybe that's one aspect we could benefit from trying to change.
Yes, it seemed to really help me when I started reading about the biological processes involved. It helped to understand what was happening physically and it helped to explain why I was having so much trouble changing my response by thinking logically about it. I have spent a few years now trying to improve my response to fast cars, and as I said, if anything it has just been getting worse. At least now I understand a little better what is happening, then perhaps I can find a new way to approach it and, like you say, at least try not to get too frustrated with myself for my reaction. Being kinder to ourselves will hopefully at least help us to calm down faster after such incidents.