Romantic and sexual relationships

do you have any quirky interests? Try finding a group centred around said interests. Date within this group. Advantages are:

1. you will have things in common with people to talk about and build a relationship on (other than just sex)
2. people will be less inclined to try to get you into bed if they are not serious because they know they can't ghost you with out leaving the group.
3. if you find a group that is men heavy you will have a lot of male interest as the new single girl, most of the other girls in a men heavy group will already be taken.

I'd love to know. I'm not willing to have sex at all so dating is difficult. Even if people say that's fine, they don't mean it's fine forever, just that they're willing to wait a while before hassling me about it. I've been interacting a lot in LGBT spaces as at least I feel safe in those as there are no straight men present. I'm just focusing on making friends for now, although I'd like someone to cuddle / life-partner with one day.

I think for me it's just being jumpy after burnout I just recovered, hopefully it will return to normal too

I have one last 'system' to restart - reigns over ADHD, I have no idea how I did managed that in the first place during early adolescence, and now the system is down, and I need a new idea

I only have issues with touching or being touched by strangers, with family and close friends I am quite happy with physical contact.

Bus journeys can be hell, from contact through someone sitting next to me, or from holding myself in a contorted position in order to avoid contact.

I do have issues with touch too, no hugs, even from mom, I go stiff, no putting arm over my shoulders, like boys do sometimes, sometimes I would go stiff when my ex tried to surprisingly give me a hud during good old days, she didn't like it, I could do handshake before, but it's getting more difficult lately, so I go for 'turtle' fist, or vulcan greeting

I have many skin sensitivities and probably developed fobia,I don't want another egzema like one I had 15 years ago, when my hands lost all skin and turned into bleeding wounds for a year

I have not heard of this term before, but I wanted to reply due to your comment about an aversion to being touched by someone you don’t know very well. This sums up my feelings about physical contact quite well. It’s nice to read that I’m not alone in this. People respect my wishes there, but I certainly don’t see how people are so free with hugs etc. in social situations. I often felt like the odd one out due to my discomfort in this area, especially as the societal norm seems to be one of lots of contact.

Yes, I had heard of the term before. I think that mine is bound up with my intense aversion to being physically touched by anyone I do not know very well. A bit of a chicken and egg situation.

are you aware it is called demisexuality?

I am unable to have sex with someone I have not built up an emotional relationship with beforehand. Admittedly, this can happen fairly quickly, but not in less than a week or so. I am relatively unusual, and the vast majority of men using dating apps are not interested in long-term romantic relationships, they just want to get as much sex with as many different women as possible. If you admit that this is the case, then using such apps is not in your best interest. I can see that such apps cut out the most difficult part of romance for autistics, flirting and working out if someone is romantically interested in you. I think that, in addition, autistics have a more heightened fear of rejection than most people, which can make us very risk averse. For a long-term romantic relationship to work, you have to find someone with a similar attitude to life as yourself and who has some interests in common with you. Joining clubs and societies that cater to your interests will help in finding someone you have common ground with. If you find someone who fits the bill I would advise being emotionally open and honest and take some emotional risks with them. Anyone put off by your honesty about what you want from a relationship would not have been a suitable partner anyway.

The key is to stop having casual sex. it isn’t validating, and will make anyone feel cheap and unlovable after a while, which you are not!

If you like that person, get to know them first. Don’t sleep with them right away. And when you do, ensure they are interested in you, your life, your well-being. Also, make it clear on the apps that you are only looking for longer term.

You have to meet many people to find one that might be suitable. Meet for a coffee or date in public, where they can’t try and get you into bed, and where you don’t feel like you must just to see them again.

I think it's all about belief, and I'm not talking about religious belief here. You say you feel ugly and unlovable, those are beliefs about yourself that will hold you back and may prevent you from even starting a conversation with someone you're interested in. Because you hold these negative beliefs about yourself your mind will tell you things like 'no point talking to him, he wouldn't be interested in a ugly woman like me' or 'I don't deserve to be loved' and these thoughts will prevent you from starting a conversation.

Even if you're able to start a conversation with someone who interests you, those beliefs will control how you act during that conversation, if you feel ugly then you're going to be preoccupied with trying to hide parts of your body that make you feel that way, which may come across to the other person as disinterest or shyness. If you feel unlovable you'll have negative thoughts about yourself whenever the other person compliments you in some way, and your responses to compliments will be questions that betray your lack of self-esteem/confidence to the other person (What could you possibly like about a broken person like me? You can do better than me. etc...), and a lack of either of those things is apparently unattractive to most people.

Hopefully from this you can see how your beliefs about yourself may cause other people to see you that way too.

So how do you change what you believe/feel about yourself? Fake it till ya make it. That's where most people would leave it. I'm going to go into more detail though. I've been reading about positive affirmation, and it's something I'm going to try once I figure out how to stop procrastinating.

The idea is simple, you change how you feel about yourself by lying to yourself consistently until your sub conscious mind starts to believe the lie. In your case you might tell yourself that you are loveable, and that you are beautiful, once or twice a day, every day, from now on, until your feelings about yourself change. Once your feelings about yourself change other people will start to see you in a different light and your chances of ending up in a romantic relationship will have increased.

Oh don't just think "I'm beautiful" and "I'm a lovable person". You actually have to get them out, say them, write them to yourself, if you live alone you could put them on sticky notes on the wall so you see them as you move about your home.

And finally, be careful with what lies you convince yourself to believe or you could cause yourself or someone else serious harm. For example if you convince yourself you can lift 300lbs at the gym when the most you've ever lifted is 75lbs, that belief will enable you to try and will break your body in the process.

It also won't work if your belief involves other people, you can tell yourself that the bank is going to give you a million quid all you want. They won't, and once people realise that you're not joking, you'll end up being seen as the local nutter who thinks the bank is going to give them a million quid any day now.

So be careful and think through whatever lies you decide to convince yourself of before you do it.

Hope I've said something useful/helpful here.

I'm still betting on random encounter in my case, dating aps are invested by non-autistic, people that are lying on daily basis, they say the first lie of the day when they encounter the first person, it's hard to believe one of those would stop for me, I have two non-autistic friends, they admitted to do it sometimes, only because they dislike dishonesty, they still manage to slip white lie every now and then, I have no idea if they ever lied to me about something, I have no choices but to trust, it's like lying on your back in front of other dog if you're a dog, 

There are some genuine people on the apps, they are the only place I can see me finding a partner.

I agree with Dawn delete all the dating apps, they’re awful things. If my marriage ever ends I’d rather be single than have to deal with some of the horrible men you hear about on them. Do you have any hobbies? If you join a group doing something you enjoy then you’ll find some like minded people and a relationship may blossom from there. I remember feeling the same as you at 20 like I’d never find anyone,(had a couple of flings with people who’d showed me the attention and I got drawn in, despite not 100% liking them that way) but I met my husband at 22 and that was 15 years ago now

Have you heard about demisexuality? I recently found out that there is something like that, and it fits to my lack of desire to have sex, at least at first. The trick is I need to build a romantic relationship first to actually want it, without it it's just process

Number one: value yourself. It hurts me that you'd feel "ugly" and unlikeable. I'm sure that's rot, everyone is some one's lovable...

Number two ditch the apps...there's a certain type of person who will take advantage with those...

Number three insist on being seen for you...

Number four ask out right what they want....and tell them you don't do game playing. It's ok not to know the answer, it's not ok to pretend you want one thing when you don't

For a start, stop having sex on a first date. Wait a month or three... or build a friendship first. 

Sex is very intimate and you don't owe that to anyone who is just using and disposing of you (unless this is agreed by both parties, and that can be useful for a time). 

Some biological differences can cause a drive in females to do anything for a mate, including sacrificing their livelihood to being obsessed by the idea they need a mate which can interfere with learning to enjoy being and 'becoming' themselves. Maybe shift focus and find everything you love by trying new things. Go to art openings or the library or museums. Find a collective with a hobby - books, knitting, music, pottery -whatever sounds worth trying. Be curious in things. Usually, when we pursue the things we love (rather than people), we end up enriching ourselves and can also meet someone we share values with.