Romantic and sexual relationships

Hi all. I am a newly diagnosed 20 year old woman.

I know that I am still young and "the right person will come along when I least expect it" but I am fed up of having no romantic interests. I have had quite a lot of casual sex, but almost entirely through dating apps where no flirting was particularly necessary. I've never been on a date, held hands with anyone (not that I would be interested in that...don't like palms touching) or had a romantic kiss (only been kissed to initiate sex).

It makes me feel ugly and unlovable. I don't know how to move from this casual sex, which has caused me some trauma and got me into dangerous positions, and go more towards romantic relationships. 

Advice would be appreciated. 

Parents
  • I am unable to have sex with someone I have not built up an emotional relationship with beforehand. Admittedly, this can happen fairly quickly, but not in less than a week or so. I am relatively unusual, and the vast majority of men using dating apps are not interested in long-term romantic relationships, they just want to get as much sex with as many different women as possible. If you admit that this is the case, then using such apps is not in your best interest. I can see that such apps cut out the most difficult part of romance for autistics, flirting and working out if someone is romantically interested in you. I think that, in addition, autistics have a more heightened fear of rejection than most people, which can make us very risk averse. For a long-term romantic relationship to work, you have to find someone with a similar attitude to life as yourself and who has some interests in common with you. Joining clubs and societies that cater to your interests will help in finding someone you have common ground with. If you find someone who fits the bill I would advise being emotionally open and honest and take some emotional risks with them. Anyone put off by your honesty about what you want from a relationship would not have been a suitable partner anyway.

  • are you aware it is called demisexuality?

  • Yes, I had heard of the term before. I think that mine is bound up with my intense aversion to being physically touched by anyone I do not know very well. A bit of a chicken and egg situation.

  • I think for me it's just being jumpy after burnout I just recovered, hopefully it will return to normal too

    I have one last 'system' to restart - reigns over ADHD, I have no idea how I did managed that in the first place during early adolescence, and now the system is down, and I need a new idea

  • I only have issues with touching or being touched by strangers, with family and close friends I am quite happy with physical contact.

  • Bus journeys can be hell, from contact through someone sitting next to me, or from holding myself in a contorted position in order to avoid contact.

  • I do have issues with touch too, no hugs, even from mom, I go stiff, no putting arm over my shoulders, like boys do sometimes, sometimes I would go stiff when my ex tried to surprisingly give me a hud during good old days, she didn't like it, I could do handshake before, but it's getting more difficult lately, so I go for 'turtle' fist, or vulcan greeting

    I have many skin sensitivities and probably developed fobia,I don't want another egzema like one I had 15 years ago, when my hands lost all skin and turned into bleeding wounds for a year

  • I have not heard of this term before, but I wanted to reply due to your comment about an aversion to being touched by someone you don’t know very well. This sums up my feelings about physical contact quite well. It’s nice to read that I’m not alone in this. People respect my wishes there, but I certainly don’t see how people are so free with hugs etc. in social situations. I often felt like the odd one out due to my discomfort in this area, especially as the societal norm seems to be one of lots of contact.

Reply
  • I have not heard of this term before, but I wanted to reply due to your comment about an aversion to being touched by someone you don’t know very well. This sums up my feelings about physical contact quite well. It’s nice to read that I’m not alone in this. People respect my wishes there, but I certainly don’t see how people are so free with hugs etc. in social situations. I often felt like the odd one out due to my discomfort in this area, especially as the societal norm seems to be one of lots of contact.

Children
  • Bus journeys can be hell, from contact through someone sitting next to me, or from holding myself in a contorted position in order to avoid contact.