Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I recently lost a very significant, formative, and long-lasting friendship. I also had strong romantic feelings for this person, which they had said they were fine with. Recently they told me they didn’t want to be in touch because they feel I need more from them than they’re able to give.
Yesterday another friend told me I ‘could ease off a bit’ after I expressed concern and gave them some info about potential travel disruptions for them during the coming heatwave.
Both experiences happening in fairly quick succession have made me realise how intense and clingy I am. I used to see the clinginess as loyalty, and engaging deeply as a way of expressing care. But now I know it pushes people away, and I don’t know how to stop.
I doubt my diagnosis a lot - I’ve had two assessments, both of which diagnosed me, but neither was as in-depth as some of the ones I’ve heard about. In the more thorough one, my dad told them things that weren’t true, and I really wasn’t myself in my own interview.
The intensity thing does make me wonder if autism could explain my difficulties relating to people, but am I just making excuses? Is that last thought internalised ablism?
Ideas on any of the above would be much appreciated
I am sorry to hear that. I think that the person that you had feelings for was happy to be your friend, but perhaps they realised that you were hoping that they would develop romantic feelings for you. So they have cut ties, in order that you can have time to heal and that one day when you are ready that you might very well find someone who will like you back in a romantic way. If they did not do this, then you would not have a chance of meeting someone new. This person obviously wants you to find happiness.
With regards the other friend, I think that you were being kind in being helpful, they are maybe stressed out with other things that has nothing to do with you. They might have just said the same thing to anyone. Friendships always have ups and downs. If you do think that you are being a bit too repetitive or clingy, you can maybe see if there is anything you can do to make things a little less so? You could always have a few counselling sessions with someone who understands autism.
Thank you, I think you’re right on both counts with the friendship situations. In some ways knowing that the cutting of ties came from a place of care hurts more. Something to work on
Again, I strongly relate to this. I knew the person as deeply compassionate and sensitive, someone I had profoundly trusted.
It hurts so much to think they felt I wasn’t satisfied with the friendship just as it was… I treasured it, and I wish I had been much clearer about that. But again, I tried, and my ways of expressing care and loyalty came across as clingy.
Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through similar pain. The lack of closure does make it so much worse. In my case I did send a final message to close things, but I understand that may not have been possible for you. I’m sorry. Relationships are the responsibility of everyone within them, and it feels so wrong for someone to end things without open discussion and trying to work through things in an active way. I’m sorry you’re in this place too
I know exactly what you mean about it hurting more when it was partly from a place of care. Like you didn’t get a say in renegotiating terms to stay in touch with someone its torture to live without even occasional contact from. In my case, it all ended with contradictory statements, ambiguity, no overt closure (which even now sustains vain hope that would be terrifying to lose, painful as the persistent ember is), and vague implications that I couldnt be trusted. They (and they alone) are worth the suffering. So I must recognise that its the iron price for an irreplaceable miracle of (of course, how could i have thought otherwise?) finite duration. Im still so traumatised and confused - the compassion that i first knew in them cant gave gone, and yet I’m stonewalled. Not that im messaging them any more. I dont want to be a pest, but I dont know what i did wrong. Very painful. Im sorry that you know this pain too.