Being intense/clingy, and doubting diagnosis

That doesn't worry me, we talked about it, both of them were attracted to me because of my honesty and vice versa, and we have things in common to talk about, different with each, 

I’m so sorry, those experiences sound awful. I’ve never been in a relationship, so I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone to leave you after such a long time when an important aspect of you comes to light.

As for your concern about your two friends, I hope you would be surprised. The friendship I’ve spoken about here stayed together after we were in different countries and became from other things we had in common. It was only (as far as I know) because of my feelings for them that we have now lost the connection.

I hope you find the enduring connections you may hope for, and that you are valued in them for who you are

I have 2 friends who stayed with me from the beginning, first for 14 years, second for 7 years, but we still live in the same city, what would happen if I moved?

my ex left me after 10 years, when it came out I might be autistic, because of it

except that, there were only aquaintances, or people looking to exploit me, while I fooled myself that it might turn into friendship

I'm not sure that's already true — at least what I would hope is for friends who stay by each other no matter what happens. At least, that's the kind of friend I aspire to be. Deep friendships are too rare and invaluable just to move on from and replace, (speaking as someone who has had maybe three such friendships in my lifetime.) But I know what you mean — thank you

anyway, after the fact is after the fact, don't dwell to much in the past, you nice person, so surely you'll make another or more friends or maybe even a partner in your life. That's the problem with friends that were only friends because there was something incommon, that thing changes or disappears and friendship is over

The thing is that the friend who ended their connection with me also has autistic traits….. not diagnosed, but still makes me doubt myself again in some ways, even though I know we won’t necessarily get on just because we’re both (probably) on the spectrum

Shardovan said:

are so valued that I have to make myself hold them lightly, like a lotus flower, rather than cling.

I do the same, I even pick up a phone call from one of two of my friends, he struggles a lot to put things in writing, while I struggle with phonecalling, but we know each other 14 years, so he tries to keep phone conversation short, less than 30sec.

There is no push to do anything on either side

you're fine. It's them being unable to accept your goodness.

non-autistic like to think everyone else have hidden agenda, because they do, so they might think that about you, and it's unfair

Self-adapting braille - wow, thats very impressive tech. What an age we live in! Glad you have a few options

Thank you Sphynx, and tgank you for sharing yours. I know  its hard to put into words, but hopefully therapeutic to do so. 

Thank you for sharing your experience. I relate to much of it. It’s really tough, but you’re not alone

I’m totally blind - I can either access the forum via a screenreader (VoiceOver on Apple devices) or connect another device to my phone which allows me to read in Braille.

Perfectly ok to ask :)

I am so sorry you’ve had a similar experience. It’s devastating - for me this person (slightly older than me) watched and supported many central parts of my identity grow, and losing the friendship almost feels like losing a part of myself.

I am really glad you have found valuable connections here. I strongly relate to the increased guardedness you describe. In some ways I value that - I know it’s my mind trying to keep me safe. But in other ways, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to form a close friendship, or to fall in love again after this experience. That’s scary.

Your image of holding those we value most like a lotus flower is beautiful. It brings to mind a practice in some Buddhist cultures of devoting a lot of time and energy to making a very intricate mandala from sand, only to sweep it away: not for lack of love, but to deepen awareness of flux and a practice of letting go, seeing the creative process as invaluable, and letting the product fade like everything else. Maybe relationships are like the mandala at times.

Thank you for so generously sharing your thoughts and experiences. It’s hugely appreciated. I hope you continue to find people who value all the elements of your authentic self for their part in making you who you are

i can be very intense/clingy, i have a mental health diagnosis that would explain that however and yes i see it as loyalty/devotion too and nothing will ever make me see it as otherwise because that is what it is to me, regardless whether its an extreme form of it and i am proud of that, despite the problems it has caused me

as for how it relates to asd, i couldn't help you with, although I have known many periods of my life without any friends etc, so perhaps one exacerbates the other, however, my periods tend to come from feeling betrayed due to how much i can care about people and would do for them, and in return, it being shown that they are not willing to do the same and thus i burn bridges,, but in honesty i think only one person in my entire life has made me feel that everything is kind of mutual, so perhaps its just me.

so with me i have a mental health diagnosis, and am awaiting asd assessment , and theres only a few things i can clearly separate and know that its at the least an autistic trait.

but i hope some of that was useful in some small way

Its weird too, because id say that theres a significant ‘avoidant’ ’ component to my personality, its just that my very rare/few true friendships (as opposed to acquaintances obliged to spend time with me here snd there) are so valued that I have to make myself hold them lightly, like a lotus flower, rather than cling. I hope that I’m largely successful in that  - I certainly spend a lot of time in (mostly valued) solitude so cant be being too overbearing I hope! Ive just had csuse to doubt myself a lot - of late (last two years) especially. 

I hope its ok to ask: is your blindness partial or can you read the forum with enlarged text? Or do you use speaking software to assist you? Dont feel you have to answer and sorry if it sounds nosy. 

I can relate to a lot of that. I feel things intensely too. I dont have the confidence to i initiate friendships but on the rare occasion when someone else kindly does I have to be careful (even with the exceptional few close to my own wavelength) to remember that I’m a ‘small doses’ person (in terms of what even the most well meaning and patient can take of my overthink/overtalk in a given day, week, month etc.) and ration accordingly so that I don’t unbalance a highly valued connection.

Like you, it’s not so long since someone I profoundly care for cut me out of their life because they’d ultimately found some aspect of me that they couldn’t define ‘deeply offputting’. If was pre-diagnosis and even though this person themselves is somewhat neurodivergent I suppose my ‘open book’ strangeness seemed like oversell rather than the authentic expression of my honestly imperfect self. The hurt from that runs extremely deep and always will - knowing that my most authentic self was miraculously loved for a short time, then loathed without warning. It makes me twice as guarded as I was before (which wasnt an insignificant amount!) and my heart is forever broken. But I’m extra wary now about being ‘too much’ for people even in short bursts, and am back to apologising for my existence a lot, one way and snother - not entirely healthy! There are people on here who will never know how much their own authenticity and kindness has helped me keep ticking over, maybe even rehabilitate self esteem a little and I’m very grateful. No magic bullets for this stuff, but I hope you find consolation here too. 

All very true. Hehe, I whittled all those posts down a bit, believe it or not, to avoid detail overload lol - left out a good chunk of context around the friendship stuff.

I absolutely agree that our empathy and focus can be invaluable. But again, mine have pushed people away - including people with autistic traits who get many aspects of my experience. Why are humans so hard to deal with lol. Getting to a point of thinking I should mask my natural ways of expressing care, even though any relationships arising from that wouldn’t be authentic.

Goodness no! You are not a bad person. Your hyper-empathy speaks of that.

We maybe don't always read the individual clues of individual people, but we want to make whole world better. In the words of the lovely Greta Thunberg - and just at what she's achieving with her hyperfocus and her hyper-empathy: "the world would be a better place, for a little more Asperger's".

And no need to apologise for the long posts, we're autistic. We all do detail, lol.

These are all very helpful thoughts, thank you for taking the time to put them down.

I think the emotional reciprocity is real for me - it sometimes reaches a point of hyper-empathy.

Masking - I’ve been unsure about this for some time. Mostly I think I’m authentic, except that I do mask my emotions at times.

The blind thing is so strange - some people do think it explains hypersensitivity and sensory-seeking behaviours, social isolation, even obsessions and need for routine, (that last one fluctuates for me, but the others are fairly consistent.) But then my mum recalls a massive meltdown I had when I was 2, before I lost my vision, and traits like sensitivities and sleep issues have always been a thing. Intellectually I do realise I tick a lot of boxes, but emotionally I feel a lot of imposter syndrome. And I do wonder about the internalised ablism and why my mind keeps going back to ‘Maybe I’m just a bad person,’ even though I frequently point out autistic strengths to people who are less aware of them…

Sorry for sending such long posts! Thanks for bearing with me :)