Being intense/clingy, and doubting diagnosis

That doesn't worry me, we talked about it, both of them were attracted to me because of my honesty and vice versa, and we have things in common to talk about, different with each, 

I’m so sorry, those experiences sound awful. I’ve never been in a relationship, so I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone to leave you after such a long time when an important aspect of you comes to light.

As for your concern about your two friends, I hope you would be surprised. The friendship I’ve spoken about here stayed together after we were in different countries and became from other things we had in common. It was only (as far as I know) because of my feelings for them that we have now lost the connection.

I hope you find the enduring connections you may hope for, and that you are valued in them for who you are

I have 2 friends who stayed with me from the beginning, first for 14 years, second for 7 years, but we still live in the same city, what would happen if I moved?

my ex left me after 10 years, when it came out I might be autistic, because of it

except that, there were only aquaintances, or people looking to exploit me, while I fooled myself that it might turn into friendship

I'm not sure that's already true — at least what I would hope is for friends who stay by each other no matter what happens. At least, that's the kind of friend I aspire to be. Deep friendships are too rare and invaluable just to move on from and replace, (speaking as someone who has had maybe three such friendships in my lifetime.) But I know what you mean — thank you

anyway, after the fact is after the fact, don't dwell to much in the past, you nice person, so surely you'll make another or more friends or maybe even a partner in your life. That's the problem with friends that were only friends because there was something incommon, that thing changes or disappears and friendship is over

The thing is that the friend who ended their connection with me also has autistic traits….. not diagnosed, but still makes me doubt myself again in some ways, even though I know we won’t necessarily get on just because we’re both (probably) on the spectrum

Shardovan said:

are so valued that I have to make myself hold them lightly, like a lotus flower, rather than cling.

I do the same, I even pick up a phone call from one of two of my friends, he struggles a lot to put things in writing, while I struggle with phonecalling, but we know each other 14 years, so he tries to keep phone conversation short, less than 30sec.

There is no push to do anything on either side

you're fine. It's them being unable to accept your goodness.

non-autistic like to think everyone else have hidden agenda, because they do, so they might think that about you, and it's unfair

Again, I strongly relate to this. I knew the person as deeply compassionate and sensitive, someone I had profoundly trusted.

It hurts so much to think they felt I wasn’t satisfied with the friendship just as it was… I treasured it, and I wish I had been much clearer about that. But again, I tried, and my ways of expressing care and loyalty came across as clingy.

Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through similar pain. The lack of closure does make it so much worse. In my case I did send a final message to close things, but I understand that may not have been possible for you. I’m sorry. Relationships are the responsibility of everyone within them, and it feels so wrong for someone to end things without open discussion and trying to work through things in an active way. I’m sorry you’re in this place too

Self-adapting braille - wow, thats very impressive tech. What an age we live in! Glad you have a few options

Thank you Sphynx, and tgank you for sharing yours. I know  its hard to put into words, but hopefully therapeutic to do so. 

I know exactly what you mean about it hurting more when it was partly from a place of care. Like you didn’t get a say in renegotiating terms to stay in touch with someone its torture to live without even occasional contact from. In my case, it all ended with contradictory statements, ambiguity, no overt closure (which even now sustains vain hope that would be terrifying to lose, painful as the persistent ember is), and vague implications that I couldnt be trusted. They (and they alone) are worth the suffering. So I must recognise that  its the iron price  for an irreplaceable miracle of (of course, how could i have thought otherwise?)  finite duration.  Im still so traumatised and confused - the compassion that i first knew in them cant gave gone, and yet I’m stonewalled. Not that im messaging them any more. I dont want to be a pest, but I dont  know what i did wrong. Very painful. Im sorry that you know this pain too. 

Thank you for sharing your experience. I relate to much of it. It’s really tough, but you’re not alone

Thank you, I think you’re right on both counts with the friendship situations. In some ways knowing that the cutting of ties came from a place of care hurts more. Something to work on

I’m totally blind - I can either access the forum via a screenreader (VoiceOver on Apple devices) or connect another device to my phone which allows me to read in Braille.

Perfectly ok to ask :)

I am so sorry you’ve had a similar experience. It’s devastating - for me this person (slightly older than me) watched and supported many central parts of my identity grow, and losing the friendship almost feels like losing a part of myself.

I am really glad you have found valuable connections here. I strongly relate to the increased guardedness you describe. In some ways I value that - I know it’s my mind trying to keep me safe. But in other ways, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to form a close friendship, or to fall in love again after this experience. That’s scary.

Your image of holding those we value most like a lotus flower is beautiful. It brings to mind a practice in some Buddhist cultures of devoting a lot of time and energy to making a very intricate mandala from sand, only to sweep it away: not for lack of love, but to deepen awareness of flux and a practice of letting go, seeing the creative process as invaluable, and letting the product fade like everything else. Maybe relationships are like the mandala at times.

Thank you for so generously sharing your thoughts and experiences. It’s hugely appreciated. I hope you continue to find people who value all the elements of your authentic self for their part in making you who you are

I am sorry to hear that. I think that the person that you had feelings for was happy to be your friend, but perhaps they realised that you were hoping that they would develop romantic feelings for you. So they have cut ties, in order that you can have time to heal and that one day when you are ready that you might very well find someone who will like you back in a romantic way. If they did not do this, then you would not have a chance of meeting someone new. This person obviously wants you to find happiness. 

With regards the other friend, I think that you were being kind in being helpful, they are maybe stressed out with other things that has nothing to do with you. They might have just said the same thing to anyone. Friendships always have ups and downs. If you do think that you are being a bit too repetitive or clingy, you can maybe see if there is anything you can do to make things a little less so? You could always have a few counselling sessions with someone who understands autism. 

i can be very intense/clingy, i have a mental health diagnosis that would explain that however and yes i see it as loyalty/devotion too and nothing will ever make me see it as otherwise because that is what it is to me, regardless whether its an extreme form of it and i am proud of that, despite the problems it has caused me

as for how it relates to asd, i couldn't help you with, although I have known many periods of my life without any friends etc, so perhaps one exacerbates the other, however, my periods tend to come from feeling betrayed due to how much i can care about people and would do for them, and in return, it being shown that they are not willing to do the same and thus i burn bridges,, but in honesty i think only one person in my entire life has made me feel that everything is kind of mutual, so perhaps its just me.

so with me i have a mental health diagnosis, and am awaiting asd assessment , and theres only a few things i can clearly separate and know that its at the least an autistic trait.

but i hope some of that was useful in some small way

Its weird too, because id say that theres a significant ‘avoidant’ ’ component to my personality, its just that my very rare/few true friendships (as opposed to acquaintances obliged to spend time with me here snd there) are so valued that I have to make myself hold them lightly, like a lotus flower, rather than cling. I hope that I’m largely successful in that  - I certainly spend a lot of time in (mostly valued) solitude so cant be being too overbearing I hope! Ive just had csuse to doubt myself a lot - of late (last two years) especially. 

I hope its ok to ask: is your blindness partial or can you read the forum with enlarged text? Or do you use speaking software to assist you? Dont feel you have to answer and sorry if it sounds nosy.