Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I recently lost a very significant, formative, and long-lasting friendship. I also had strong romantic feelings for this person, which they had said they were fine with. Recently they told me they didn’t want to be in touch because they feel I need more from them than they’re able to give.
Yesterday another friend told me I ‘could ease off a bit’ after I expressed concern and gave them some info about potential travel disruptions for them during the coming heatwave.
Both experiences happening in fairly quick succession have made me realise how intense and clingy I am. I used to see the clinginess as loyalty, and engaging deeply as a way of expressing care. But now I know it pushes people away, and I don’t know how to stop.
I doubt my diagnosis a lot - I’ve had two assessments, both of which diagnosed me, but neither was as in-depth as some of the ones I’ve heard about. In the more thorough one, my dad told them things that weren’t true, and I really wasn’t myself in my own interview.
The intensity thing does make me wonder if autism could explain my difficulties relating to people, but am I just making excuses? Is that last thought internalised ablism?
Ideas on any of the above would be much appreciated
Our emotions can be very intense and intense focus on a relationship isn't uncommon in autism. Moreover it can be difficult to read others well enough to know when to back off. So, those things aren't precluding your diagnosis.
Much depends on how good your assessors were. The good ones will see through parental perceptions or misperceptions and any masking or 'not being yourself'.
How much time they give it depends on how much evidence is there. Sometimes it's straight forward because the autistic presentation is obvious. Sometimes, they need much more time because it is so subtle, with lots of learned coping strategies in the way, or there might be co-morbidities to disentangle.
What do you think your dad said that doesn't fit with your perception? If you are doubting your autism, what do you think could be the alternative explanation? Have you had sight of your profile report? That should point to what the assessors were seeing as evidence, which might help decide whether this reflects you or not.
Be mindful, some people post diagnosis do experience a touch of impostor syndrome...it's normal enough to have the doubts.
Thanks for your thoughts Dawn.
I certainly have intense emotions, and have focused (obsessed might be more accurate) on relationships since I was about 8 or 9. Vefore then I didn’t really have friends so it didn’t apply as much.
My dad said things like that I cover my ears and rock from side to side when things get too loud - I do cover my ears, but I don’t rock. He said I would run away and cry when made to wear clothes I found uncomfortable as a child, which I didn’t…
In my assessment, I was extremely awkward and not open enough, so they said I can struggle with emotional reciprocity and two-way conversation, which I did on the day as I didn’t know them and there wasn’t much time, but usually these are strengths for me.
I’m blind, which some people seem to think could explain all my traits, although I don’t think so. Many of my traits became more accentuated around age 11 or 12, so maybe a mix of social anxiety and sensory processing issues could explain my experiences - although I know it’s not unusual for traits to emerge when social pressures increase, which makes sense to me. I did have some traits when I was little though:
I would come home and spin around until I fel over, I was always very sensitive to touch, food textures, and later sound, preferred to be alone or with adults rather than with peers, enjoyed collecting specific things etc… I’m not sure, there are so many factors, but a really thorough and accurate assessment would have been validating. A third assessment would be excessive though, I don’t think my parents would participate.
It does sound as though they do have the evidence and it's likely to be right.
Yes, a person can have social anxiety which has nothing to do with autism. Yes, it is possible to have a sensory processing disorder without autism, but you are also describing a lot of other traits too, the obsession, repetitive movement (spinning, even if your dad is wrong about the rocking), the absence of early friendships, the lack of pick up on social cues. I appreciate if you are blind you wouldn't see body/facial stuff anyway, perhaps. But there are a raft of other paralinguistic clues in the voice NTs; whether blind or sighted, grasp that you may be missing.
I communicate just fine in a lot of contexts, but that collapses under pressure, say at the doctors. Actually, at first that was the thing that had me scratching my head and had me really feeling I needed an expert to tell whether I really could be on the spectrum. I'm a modern language graduate and a fully qualified trainer who excelled in drama at school. In some senses, communication is my strength. How can it be a deficit? It's not, but it is qualitatively very different from other people, developed differently and deserts me when I'm scared.
Also a lot of stuff is more evident in childhood. The social/emotional reciprocity would have been obvious as a kid for me, but then you study people and work it out. It doesn't mean the autism went away, it just means I found strategies to do it.
It might help you to look into masking, compensation strategies and impostor syndrome, and then judge how you feel about it. Could they be seeing the mask and recognising what it is?
Only you will know in the end whether you think this reflects you or not.
Shardovan said:are so valued that I have to make myself hold them lightly, like a lotus flower, rather than cling.
I do the same, I even pick up a phone call from one of two of my friends, he struggles a lot to put things in writing, while I struggle with phonecalling, but we know each other 14 years, so he tries to keep phone conversation short, less than 30sec.
There is no push to do anything on either side
Thank you Sphynx, and tgank you for sharing yours. I know its hard to put into words, but hopefully therapeutic to do so.
I am so sorry you’ve had a similar experience. It’s devastating - for me this person (slightly older than me) watched and supported many central parts of my identity grow, and losing the friendship almost feels like losing a part of myself.
I am really glad you have found valuable connections here. I strongly relate to the increased guardedness you describe. In some ways I value that - I know it’s my mind trying to keep me safe. But in other ways, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to form a close friendship, or to fall in love again after this experience. That’s scary.
Your image of holding those we value most like a lotus flower is beautiful. It brings to mind a practice in some Buddhist cultures of devoting a lot of time and energy to making a very intricate mandala from sand, only to sweep it away: not for lack of love, but to deepen awareness of flux and a practice of letting go, seeing the creative process as invaluable, and letting the product fade like everything else. Maybe relationships are like the mandala at times.
Thank you for so generously sharing your thoughts and experiences. It’s hugely appreciated. I hope you continue to find people who value all the elements of your authentic self for their part in making you who you are
Its weird too, because id say that theres a significant ‘avoidant’ ’ component to my personality, its just that my very rare/few true friendships (as opposed to acquaintances obliged to spend time with me here snd there) are so valued that I have to make myself hold them lightly, like a lotus flower, rather than cling. I hope that I’m largely successful in that - I certainly spend a lot of time in (mostly valued) solitude so cant be being too overbearing I hope! Ive just had csuse to doubt myself a lot - of late (last two years) especially.
I can relate to a lot of that. I feel things intensely too. I dont have the confidence to i initiate friendships but on the rare occasion when someone else kindly does I have to be careful (even with the exceptional few close to my own wavelength) to remember that I’m a ‘small doses’ person (in terms of what even the most well meaning and patient can take of my overthink/overtalk in a given day, week, month etc.) and ration accordingly so that I don’t unbalance a highly valued connection.
Like you, it’s not so long since someone I profoundly care for cut me out of their life because they’d ultimately found some aspect of me that they couldn’t define ‘deeply offputting’. If was pre-diagnosis and even though this person themselves is somewhat neurodivergent I suppose my ‘open book’ strangeness seemed like oversell rather than the authentic expression of my honestly imperfect self. The hurt from that runs extremely deep and always will - knowing that my most authentic self was miraculously loved for a short time, then loathed without warning. It makes me twice as guarded as I was before (which wasnt an insignificant amount!) and my heart is forever broken. But I’m extra wary now about being ‘too much’ for people even in short bursts, and am back to apologising for my existence a lot, one way and snother - not entirely healthy! There are people on here who will never know how much their own authenticity and kindness has helped me keep ticking over, maybe even rehabilitate self esteem a little and I’m very grateful. No magic bullets for this stuff, but I hope you find consolation here too.
All very true. Hehe, I whittled all those posts down a bit, believe it or not, to avoid detail overload lol - left out a good chunk of context around the friendship stuff.
I absolutely agree that our empathy and focus can be invaluable. But again, mine have pushed people away - including people with autistic traits who get many aspects of my experience. Why are humans so hard to deal with lol. Getting to a point of thinking I should mask my natural ways of expressing care, even though any relationships arising from that wouldn’t be authentic.