Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I recently lost a very significant, formative, and long-lasting friendship. I also had strong romantic feelings for this person, which they had said they were fine with. Recently they told me they didn’t want to be in touch because they feel I need more from them than they’re able to give.
Yesterday another friend told me I ‘could ease off a bit’ after I expressed concern and gave them some info about potential travel disruptions for them during the coming heatwave.
Both experiences happening in fairly quick succession have made me realise how intense and clingy I am. I used to see the clinginess as loyalty, and engaging deeply as a way of expressing care. But now I know it pushes people away, and I don’t know how to stop.
I doubt my diagnosis a lot - I’ve had two assessments, both of which diagnosed me, but neither was as in-depth as some of the ones I’ve heard about. In the more thorough one, my dad told them things that weren’t true, and I really wasn’t myself in my own interview.
The intensity thing does make me wonder if autism could explain my difficulties relating to people, but am I just making excuses? Is that last thought internalised ablism?
Ideas on any of the above would be much appreciated
you're fine. It's them being unable to accept your goodness.
non-autistic like to think everyone else have hidden agenda, because they do, so they might think that about you, and it's unfair
The thing is that the friend who ended their connection with me also has autistic traits….. not diagnosed, but still makes me doubt myself again in some ways, even though I know we won’t necessarily get on just because we’re both (probably) on the spectrum
anyway, after the fact is after the fact, don't dwell to much in the past, you nice person, so surely you'll make another or more friends or maybe even a partner in your life. That's the problem with friends that were only friends because there was something incommon, that thing changes or disappears and friendship is over
That doesn't worry me, we talked about it, both of them were attracted to me because of my honesty and vice versa, and we have things in common to talk about, different with each,
I’m so sorry, those experiences sound awful. I’ve never been in a relationship, so I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone to leave you after such a long time when an important aspect of you comes to light.
As for your concern about your two friends, I hope you would be surprised. The friendship I’ve spoken about here stayed together after we were in different countries and became from other things we had in common. It was only (as far as I know) because of my feelings for them that we have now lost the connection.
I hope you find the enduring connections you may hope for, and that you are valued in them for who you are
I have 2 friends who stayed with me from the beginning, first for 14 years, second for 7 years, but we still live in the same city, what would happen if I moved?
my ex left me after 10 years, when it came out I might be autistic, because of it
except that, there were only aquaintances, or people looking to exploit me, while I fooled myself that it might turn into friendship
I'm not sure that's already true — at least what I would hope is for friends who stay by each other no matter what happens. At least, that's the kind of friend I aspire to be. Deep friendships are too rare and invaluable just to move on from and replace, (speaking as someone who has had maybe three such friendships in my lifetime.) But I know what you mean — thank you