Having Children

Only when I was diagnosed in middle age, did I look at my mother and our the friction in our relationship again...OK so i'm not a clinical psychologist to make a diagnosis of her, but I so see the traits.  I have a deep suspicion that I did grow up with an autistic mother.  Attwood thinks that one of two things happens when an autistic parent has an autistic child; they are either each other's best mate, or really can't stand each other.

Happily, my lovely son and heir, who I think is socially pretty NT, but with some ND thought patterns, was such an easy child to raise and so loved by everyone.  

I think what I am saying is that with all parent-child relationships, it can just be luck of the draw.  We can't order up the child/parent we want, but get the one we're given.  Sometimes that turns out great and sometimes not.

At least seeing what I see now in my mum, I can let certain things ride.  She's not a bad person, there's just stuff she'll never understand.

I had PND with number 1. That’s what I was told anyway, it could just as well have been a burnout for all I know, as child rearing is stressful and worrisome whether NT or ND.

You would be the perfect parent to teach them and show them that Autism is a gift, and you’d be able to help them every step of the way.  I think parenting would have been far better for me if I’d of known I was autistic back then. I wouldn’t have e been so hard in myself for a start. 

Yes, there are definitely common issues that many of us will encounter.  The way in can be problematic though, as families/individuals would need to realise that they're autistic or otherwise neurodivergent.  And in our family this has only happened quite recently.  Still, some of it applies generally as part of good parenting.    

For those considering having children, please speak to people who grew up with autistic parents. There are common issues that can be avoided when you know what to look for and have a plan.

Please commit to working as hard to understand your child's emotions, motivations, triggers and patterns, as you wish the adults in your life worked to understand yours. 

It took until the third child for my mother to be able to cope with the noise and choas of kids. My cousin used to joke and say that the first two were the throw away pancakes, the first two crepes that don't go right in every batch. 

Hiya,

this has been really interesting to read! thank you for asking that question

i was diagnosed last year when i was 16 and I want kids more than anything. i want 2. but i don't want a relationship or sex (not sure if we can use that word, but i am sure we will find out), so i have decided to do it by myself because i am capable of that. I would happily have one now but apparently i have to do my A levels and go to Uni first. 

interestingly, it wasn't until i got my diagnosis that i decided i wanted kids. before, i just didn't want to have children who felt the same way that i did (confused about the world, and no clue how to fit in). but after receiving my diagnosis i am happy with who i am and i am totally cool with my kids being different

Alisha xx

I have decided that children are not on the table for me. I have Autism and ADHD and the world in itself isn't designed for me to succeed and live. I do not wish to bring anyone into this world to go through the same horrific situation i have had to deal with being different. I see people having children with additional needs and even though i struggle with recognising facial expression i often see them resenting their Child's existents and it makes me sick.

I also see so many people having multiple autistic and struggle to gain access of support even when their child is an adult because of the barriers we face and be denied because of a lack of funds and resources.i physically cannot do that to child. i personally think it's cruel.. But that's my opinion.

Saying that i have seen some amazing autistic families. But when asking actual parents who are both autistic if they struggled being a parents on the spectrum  is kinda scary, some of the stories they told me have confirmed not to have children.three women i know with autism who have had children developed really bad postnatal depression with every child and some autistic fathers bolt when they cant cope. 

I love being a mum! In retrospect I think I turned motherhood and childrens need into a special interest. :-) I am 49 and my sons are 22 and 13. I think it was good for me to have such an age gap between them, altough it was not planned. 

I used all my knowledge of things that I missed when I was young in the upbringing of my children. I strongly believe in the importance of attachement and to talk about feelings with your children. I also carried them around much, breastfed them for a long period and let them slep in my bed. I gave them a lot of structure cause I am a fan with that. ;-) I didn´t understand how important it had been to my elder son, but realised that when he was diagnosed with ADHD at age 19.

Don´t be afraid to bring children into this world. I think us autistic mothers have a lot to give, not lest our different view of the world. That is very important in the times we live in!

Very similar life situation to yours, Desmond, except Ive never had the slightest wish to be a parent - probably more the opposite really. Or at least a strong  intuition since childhood that it was for other people, not me, as a matter of design.  I do love my nieces and nephews, and if circumstances ever required me to become a full time ward for any of then would consider taking that on despite how much it  would impact on my need for a lot of solitude and recovery time from the sensory overload of the day. Ive looked after them  and had  my nephews stay over  a few times in recent months (practicalities around their parents’ separation) and their demands/needs  during every second of the waking day are a good sample if the realities of properly caring for children. People’s ability to do that unceasingly for two decades or whatever is incredible to me - but its what keeps the world  going 

I'm now on the waiting list for an official diagnosis but apparently I have Asperger's. I'm a 26 year old female and yes, I'm looking to have children when I'm older in my thirties.

I’m still quite young so probably not the most useful comment, but I thought I’d still comment. When i was younger I did want children, but since receiving my diagnosis age 15 and my mental health deteriorating so significantly and since I find my Autistic traits so debilitating and disabling, I’m fairly sure that I will no longer have children and I really don’t want them to struggle in the way that I have, but I know that’s probably an unpopular opinion and it really depends on circumstances and should my situation improve and support needs better met and my outlook on life improves, I think my mind could change. I just now I wouldn’t be able to cope right now and if things continue in this way. I think having children is lovely and amazing and I’m completely accepting, open and in favour of Autistic individuals having children if it’s in their best interests and it’s what they would like. Autism is a spectrum and no two individuals are the same, we all have a unique set of support needs and a unique autistic profile so it’s not really possible to compare. 

I'm glad you got your children. I can hear how much they mean to you from your text. I'm sure they think the same of you. I used to hold my mums hand despite being an adult :) 

Thanks for the responses. They make interesting reading, but I don’t have the energy to respond individually today

As for me, I was diagnosed a few months ago, just before my 49th birthday. I didn’t particularly think I’d ever have children growing up, mostly because I didn’t  like other peoples children and didn’t ever think I’d have a boyfriend, let alone marry someone!  
However, my children are 27 and 18. Yes, times were tough sometimes, especially with the eldest, but I wouldn’t be without them. They are people I created in their own right, and not for the sole purpose of company.  Luckily for me, despite everything, they both enjoy spending time with me, and share their problems with me openly. We are very close.
Oh, and they aren’t ashamed to be seen in public with me lol. Hell, my youngest still likes to hold my hand sometimes when we’re out!

AFAB here, undiagnosed. I knew at the age of about 3 that I would rather die than get pregnant or be a parent. I'm 35 now and feel exactly the same.

Pregnancy is objectively physical torture. Personally, I would also experience the lack of solitude associated with parenting a young child as mental torture. I had constant meltdowns during my own childhood due to lack of alone time. Periods of my adult life when I've had to get by on less than eight hours a day have had similar effects.

I don't see the point in wasting 20 years bringing up a child in the hope they might turn into a person you enjoy being around when there are billions of people already formed, who you could befriend, which is a lot faster and easier.

Yes.  I wasn't diagnosed at the time but I would always have chosen to have have children and I'd do it again if I wasn't too old.  The main difficulties in my and my family's lives have, I think, stemmed from not knowing that we're autistic and not from actually being autistic.  After all, if a lot of information about your very identity is withheld from you, you become more likely to make poor or unsuitable choices and spending decades masking in a doomed effort to be a good neurotypical are likely to affect you mental health.  

Unhappily, we didn't realise this until yet another generation in our famly went through serious breakdowns (possibly linked to repeated or catastrophic burnouts) and even then, services treated us for a heap of mental health issues that were really secondary diagnoses.  They didn't seem trained to identify autism and only discharged us after several years of trying and failing to treat with meds and CBT, briefly mentioning the possibility of "Asperger's" at that point.  Only then did I take time to reflect and the penny dropped.

And yes, I would LOVE to have grandchildren.  I'm not at all sure that this will ever happen though, due to the enormity of the issues caused by non identifcation.  It's all going to take some considerable time.  :(     

I would love children! It's one of my main goals to do before I die.

The fact I'm autistic used to bother me and make me think I didn't want to have children but I've read about others who have them and that changed my mind. I don't see why we shouldn't be parents. We rock!

Sadly not gonna happen for me now but if things were different with my health I'd work towards making it happen.

Discovered Autism was a part of who I am recently and still going through diagnosis but its clear I am autistic. Anyway, this all happened after our second child was born. I take value in the fact that being unaware of being autistic whilst parenting really allows me to put this condition into perspective and I went through all the positives and negatives as a neurotypical person. Now coming to terms with autism I can see how it affects my parenting, which mainly revolves around going places, the school run, anything that requires a huge checklist and process which ensures things go smoothly. I can get overworked but often find being overprepared has come in handy. On the flip side, I can see autistic traits in my kids that I totally understand and can guide them through. I also feel If I wasn't autistic I would be not as good as I am.

I definitely overthink risks - ( I totally understand Nemo's dad from Finding Nemo). I ideate the worst-case scenario in most situations and then try to think how I can prevent that. I liken it to ideating about things like death for myself and understood I wasn't thinking about taking my life( Which I know some go through on the spectrum) but just worst-case scenario and my mind seeing how I could cope (I think its a subconscious masking technique at work but don't hold me to that, I know nothing haha) 

But overall, If I knew I was autistic I would worry way more or be more aware of the worries I had. My parents had no clue about my autism I'm 36 now and they found out a few weeks ago. If I did have support or understanding from my environment around me I know some lows in my life didn't need to be as rough as they were. And I think career wise being able to tell clients/employers would've helped too. So I can offer that to my kids and I'm excited to see them grow.

I also think as the awareness of autism increases support should & understanding will naturally increase. Systems and institutions are way behind but there a ton of great humans out there who just need an understanding and they step up. 

I 'm vegetarian and I remember just seeing one option on any menu in most restaurants. Now there are many thanks to emergence of plant based eating. I think Autism understanding will go the same way. 

I was diagnosed when still a child and always dreamt of having children. 

Being autistic didn't make me not want to be a mum. I thought I was a good person and if I could keep my anxiety under control I would be ok. I still very childlike so I think that would be an advantage.

I had a girl young. But mentally in a bad place and it didn't work out. I lost her. I'm still in a bad place but told it will get better, if it does then I'd love to give it another go.

I always wanted to be a Dad, but never had the self-esteem to enter a relationship with a woman; plus, I lacked maturity in my twenties.

yes yes and yes. im a male diagnosed at 45. one child. wish i had had more. my daughter is my best friend.