Published on 12, July, 2020
For context, I’m 30 years old and female, told my whole life I was different and always struggled socially but no one ever suggested autism. I started to figure it out myself and am now on the waiting list for an assessment, though I don’t expect it to come through quickly!
I’ve just received upsetting news, and I wanted to talk to someone to help me try to process it and how I’m feeling. I think I have the classic alexithymia and so struggle to know how I feel about things by myself. So normally I would either just sit and spiral, potentially into a meltdown, or I would just sort of turn the feeling off by analysing instead. But I’m trying to listen to what I need more instead of constantly ignoring my own needs like I’ve been doing all my life, so I wanted help to try and process. But I’m stuck because my best friend is always too busy to answer the phone to me, and my sister is working on her new business plan so I don’t want to interrupt her. There isn’t really anyone else I can talk as honestly with, and trust enough to do that. But I’ve now been pulled out of the possibility of processing those emotions because I’ve realised that I’m not sure if it’s ok for me to expect and want the people around me to do that for me? And now I’m analysing all of the below instead!
I’ve come to realise that I want friendships to be outside of the nonsensical social rules where we have to constantly censor ourselves or do small talk first, and that’s part of why I’m always frustrated socially because NT’s don’t seem to want that kind of friendship. But I’m also wondering if that expectation, and the want to use friends to help process things out loud is an expectation I’ve picked up from observing friendships on TV. On TV they won’t necessarily write characters who use small talk because it’s boring to watch, and they need people to process things out loud so their viewers understand things. So is it too much for me to ask my friends to do that for me? Is it expecting them to do emotional labour for me in a way that is too burdensome and I just don’t see it? It took me a really long time to find someone that even came close to giving me most of what I needed from a friend, or for my sister to not find me too irritating to talk to! So that meant that I spent a lot of time only seeing friendships in books or on TV and films, and so now I’m wondering if that’s meant I just have an inaccurate view of what I should expect from them?
I hope that makes sense! Has anyone thought/felt similarly? Am I always hoping for something I shouldn’t?
I should say that when I mention being insufficiently 'small doses', I don't mean that I relentlessly plague people. In fact, I'm more likely to ration such contact carefully, even awaiting initiation of a chat from their side - they might be burned out or busy themselves- more often than not (even if that takes weeks) as that I way I can be a little more sure I'm doing boundaries correctly. Just in case I made myself sound out of control or something - I very much hope its the opposite and that its just once I'm in the flow of a mutually agreeable catch-up, I can't just do weather and 'how's the family?' - it has to be more - minimally when it's male friends (I see the unspoken threshold all too clearly), more so with female ones.
Is the autistic male brain maybe a little more female in some ways? I've often wondered. I hate to overgeneralise about male NTs (or NTs in general) but I don't recognise much of myself in the average fella, especially the 'alpha' ones.
This resonates a lot right now. An hour ago I just messaged a friend (one of a very few that I have) thusly - "I promise we'll have an exclusively pleasant, not heavy, conversation some day soon. I massively value your friendship, but if I start exhausting you as much as I do myself I would understand you drifting away. And I'd only have myself to blame. I'm sorry." Can't even say something informally without being stilted it would seem. But authentic at least. I'm hurting a lot right now about some stuff (I always will, it just peaks sometimes), and I do find that emotional labour and reality testing do both enter the frame when someone makes contact in that heightened moment, expecting a 'hope you have a good weekend too' and instead getting from me both that plus a desperate expression of a need to process a mental/emotional spiral with help and insight from a trusted soul.
The above person is by no means a surface bants person only - but she gets the social balance right - is compassionate but no nonsense- and I worry that I'm not modifying my 'small doses' (as in what others can endure of me) nature enough to not lose her friendship. Actually the 'her' factor is significant too: although I have some male friends (I am a bloke) who are supportive and good-hearted, there's a seemingly unavoidably shallow dimension to 97% of our (nonetheless important) exchanges - in real life, in WhatsApp etc. I find that my couple of female friends are much more willing/able to go deeper, but I worry that I abuse the privilege. I ask myself 'would I have said that to any of my male friends, or expected that level of nuanced and overtly spoken emotional intelligence to be delivered in a conversation?' To which the answer is simply no. But if I didn't then get that from my female friends, those conversations would b just between me and... me. Or spilling out as a stream of consciousness on here. Anyway, I do understand very well what you mean by 'hoping for something I shouldn't'.
I get it when my weekly therapy session ends too - the time flew by and I covered barely 1% of everything crowding to the front of my mind, expressed with far too unreasonable an expectation of the extent of peace (even very temporary) that my excellent, but still human, therapist, can give me. I could have 2-hour sessions five times a week and barely scratch the surface of how much I need to talk through in forensic depth. It's hard to keep going with any hope of that. But knowing I'm not alone helps take the edge off slightly, and this community is invaluable for that.
I think (though I’m no expert on this to be fair) that in a close friendship you friends would want to be supportive if you’ve had upsetting news and want to talk about that. A true friend will care about you and want to help. It’s entirely reasonable for you to wish for that if you have a close friendship with someone. Obviously they might not be 100% available all the time for you - because people have their own things to deal with - but in principle they should be happy to listen and be there for you when they can and be supportive. Personally I’m much more comfortable with more in depth conversations than social chit chat.
One thing I've learnt, particularly since being a member here is that friendships can at times be extremely complex. From my perspective, I can fully understand why you wanted to talk to someone about your upsetting news. Although I don't (as far as I know) have alexithymia, if something really good or really bad happens in my life, I feel compelled to talk about it. The difficulty I sometimes have is remembering that when I feel a need to talk about things, it might not always be a convenient time for the person/people I wish to talk to.
Hi, friendship can take so many different forms- I never had any friends at school but I found people I connected to through shared interests and university. Surprisingly making friends with my friends just happened, almost effortless... and small talk does not really feature much in my friendships- I have a lot of fellow scientist friends and we love ro have good discussions about science or other interesting topics :). With very close friends we can even be together and just be silent and it feels comfortable- We do also confide in each other if we struggle- I have been having a very hard time and my friends have been so supportive even though i no longer live in same country. I do worry about being a burden but so far my friends couldn’t have been more supportive and I know that I would do the same for them if they needed it. I have one friend that I always play boardgames with online and others that I used to go walking together etc. I don’t know if these are ‘normal/ common’ things to do with friends but it is what we like. If you find likeminded people that you can connect with usually these things just fall into place automatically - i think the best way to find friends is through a shared interest- and if it’s right I think you’ll feel it. It can be very hard to find people you connect with- i am struggling too at the moment and i have not made new friends since i left uni and moved abroad. I would try not to worry too much about what friends should do together and what is expected- i think it really depends on the friend and friendship can take any form you like as long as both people are happy with it.
It’s perfectly reasonable to want your friends do more than talk about the weather! But these friendships can’t be made overnight. And it is also reasonable for people to want to forget their problems and have fun with their friends, especially newer ones. I would recommend joining some sort of group or club. (If your autism allows, I know some autistic people struggle in social situations). You could join an amateur sports team if your athletic, a religious group, army reserves, volunteer or book club. You could also find an autism support group or a general support group if you don’t want to go through the small talk phase.
However these solutions are for the long term. I’m sure you can find a time to talk to your friend or sister soon. It’s a good idea to find more friends but I’m sure they will both be there for you whenever you need. Good luck!!! (Also apologies for spelling and grammar I can’t be bothered to proof read )
Friends are there to help you. Can you not approach it with "I really need someone to talk to".
If someone said this to you, you'd cut straight to the chase to discuss the issue.
Generally I find listening to others' problems easier than talking about my own.