Published on 12, July, 2020
For context, I’m 30 years old and female, told my whole life I was different and always struggled socially but no one ever suggested autism. I started to figure it out myself and am now on the waiting list for an assessment, though I don’t expect it to come through quickly!
I’ve just received upsetting news, and I wanted to talk to someone to help me try to process it and how I’m feeling. I think I have the classic alexithymia and so struggle to know how I feel about things by myself. So normally I would either just sit and spiral, potentially into a meltdown, or I would just sort of turn the feeling off by analysing instead. But I’m trying to listen to what I need more instead of constantly ignoring my own needs like I’ve been doing all my life, so I wanted help to try and process. But I’m stuck because my best friend is always too busy to answer the phone to me, and my sister is working on her new business plan so I don’t want to interrupt her. There isn’t really anyone else I can talk as honestly with, and trust enough to do that. But I’ve now been pulled out of the possibility of processing those emotions because I’ve realised that I’m not sure if it’s ok for me to expect and want the people around me to do that for me? And now I’m analysing all of the below instead!
I’ve come to realise that I want friendships to be outside of the nonsensical social rules where we have to constantly censor ourselves or do small talk first, and that’s part of why I’m always frustrated socially because NT’s don’t seem to want that kind of friendship. But I’m also wondering if that expectation, and the want to use friends to help process things out loud is an expectation I’ve picked up from observing friendships on TV. On TV they won’t necessarily write characters who use small talk because it’s boring to watch, and they need people to process things out loud so their viewers understand things. So is it too much for me to ask my friends to do that for me? Is it expecting them to do emotional labour for me in a way that is too burdensome and I just don’t see it? It took me a really long time to find someone that even came close to giving me most of what I needed from a friend, or for my sister to not find me too irritating to talk to! So that meant that I spent a lot of time only seeing friendships in books or on TV and films, and so now I’m wondering if that’s meant I just have an inaccurate view of what I should expect from them?
I hope that makes sense! Has anyone thought/felt similarly? Am I always hoping for something I shouldn’t?
Hi, friendship can take so many different forms- I never had any friends at school but I found people I connected to through shared interests and university. Surprisingly making friends with my friends just happened, almost effortless... and small talk does not really feature much in my friendships- I have a lot of fellow scientist friends and we love ro have good discussions about science or other interesting topics :). With very close friends we can even be together and just be silent and it feels comfortable- We do also confide in each other if we struggle- I have been having a very hard time and my friends have been so supportive even though i no longer live in same country. I do worry about being a burden but so far my friends couldn’t have been more supportive and I know that I would do the same for them if they needed it. I have one friend that I always play boardgames with online and others that I used to go walking together etc. I don’t know if these are ‘normal/ common’ things to do with friends but it is what we like. If you find likeminded people that you can connect with usually these things just fall into place automatically - i think the best way to find friends is through a shared interest- and if it’s right I think you’ll feel it. It can be very hard to find people you connect with- i am struggling too at the moment and i have not made new friends since i left uni and moved abroad. I would try not to worry too much about what friends should do together and what is expected- i think it really depends on the friend and friendship can take any form you like as long as both people are happy with it.