Relationship/Sex -My partner is autistic with PDA

Yes, I've been in this situation, having tried sex, realised I don't like it, and decided not to have it again. I would have liked my partner to approach it by taking "I don't want to" as settling the matter and not bringing it up again.

HP35 said:

I would have liked my partner to approach it by taking "I don't want to" as settling the matter and not bringing it up again.

A full discussion of your and your partner's feelings is the very least anyone would expect from a fully sentient human being.

In a sexual context, no means no and never requires a reason, explanation or justification.

HP35 said:

Rape culture is the idea that sex is an obligation or something it's reasonable to expect another person to provide for you.

Entirely bizarre.

The expectation of anything is predicated on the circumstances. If one were on honeymoon with a recently married partner, the expectation of having sexual relations would be very high and entirely reasonable.

Less likely. Not zero.

You are correct in that expecting someone to have sex with you makes you a horrible person. I would have thought that's something most people, including the poster who started this thread, would want to avoid.

No rape culture doesn't really exist, except in very limited pockets in a small minority of society. And in so far as it exists it is the normalisation of the act of rape. Expecting some one to have sex with you is not rape, thinking some one is obligated to have sex with you is not rape, It may well be being a horrible person but it's not rape. Forcing some one to have sex with you is rape.

HP35 said:

Sex is also irreversible (no cure for cancer-causing HPV for example, which can be spread even through "protected"sex), has potentially life limiting consequences, and is elective.

So can shaking hands. HPV is not exclusively a disease of the genitals. People still tend to expect you to shake hands and you are still at liberty to refuse to. by the way your claim is not backed up by science HPV is much less likely to spread when condoms are used

Sex is also irreversible (no cure for cancer-causing HPV for example, which can be spread even through "protected"sex), has potentially life limiting consequences, and is elective.

Rape culture is the idea that sex is an obligation or something it's reasonable to expect another person to provide for you. It's what has shaped your views on romantic relationships.

HP35 said:

It usually takes about a decade of regularly requesting the procedure to access female sterilisation, as an example, and counselling would absolutely be compulsory.

Very much the exception and not the rule. Comparable to a sex change really in the sense that many aspects of it are irreversible, life limiting and elective.

HP35 said:

Statistically, asexuality is disproportionately common within the autistic community,

Which is to say its slightly less rare than in the population more generally. Its still very much the minority of autistic people who are asexual.

HP35 said:

The expectation that sex is a requirement within a romantic relationship is a part of rape culture. It's not a positive thing and not something to perpetuate. It's also been ruled as incompatible with the human rights act, so hopefully on its way out (already doesn't apply to same-sex marriages).

I've no idea what you are talking about. Expecting sex to be a part of a romantic relationship is very definitely not any form of rape. Are you conflating expectation with some form of force. The only reason gay marriages can't be annulled for lack of consummation is parliament was too lazy to write a sensible definition of what consummation would look like into the law so chose to dodge the issue.

I've no idea how you think the human rights act applies here so I invite you to refer me to the specific case law.

It usually takes about a decade of regularly requesting the procedure to access female sterilisation, as an example, and counselling would absolutely be compulsory.

Statistically, asexuality is disproportionately common within the autistic community, and ace individuals are much more likely to be autistic than the general population. 

The expectation that sex is a requirement within a romantic relationship is a part of rape culture. It's not a positive thing and not something to perpetuate. It's also been ruled as incompatible with the human rights act, so hopefully on its way out (already doesn't apply to same-sex marriages).

HP35 said:

A more appropriate analogy here might be a tattoo artist /surgeon /boxer who asks their partner if they want a tattoo / surgery / fight and then continues asking them every day after they've said no, then goes online to get ideas about how to persuade them into a tattoo /surgery /fight.

I think you're nitpicking but in fairness let me nitpick those nitpicks. Those analogies don't fit either because going into a relationship there is no expectation that people will get a tattoo etc. >99% of romantic relationships involve sex at some stage and unless its very explicitly stated at the start it's perfectly reasonable to expect a romantic relationship that lasts long enough to become sexual. For example failiour to have sex after a marriage is one of the few grounds for annulment.

A better analogy might be a p*rn star turning up on set and saying 'I'm happy to do anything on camera as long as it isn't sex.' Sure there is acting and modelling etc involved in the job but the sex is a pretty indispensable part of it. I know its not a perfect example because there is an exchange of money involved but there are few situations, other than a romantic relationship, where sex is a reasonable expectation.

HP35 said:

Like many ASD/ace people, I'm not mentally suited to any kind of sexual relationship

I wish you wouldn't equate ASD with asexuality. For most autistic people nothing could be further from the truth.

HP35 said:

Hence being required to have counselling before being allowed to consent to many elective surgeries, for example.

I can't think for a single example in the uk where that is true. There are certainly situations where its offered. mastectomies for breast cancer perhaps. But I'm not aware of any where it's required. Sex changes would be about the only one. I've never heard os some one having to have counselling for a nose job or face lift or even something like a heart bypass.

All the examples you mentioned have ethics codes that involve exploring the reasons behind the person's consent. Hence being required to have counselling before being allowed to consent to many elective surgeries, for example. It's partly about protecting oneself from litigation or prosecution, and partly just not wanting to do anything unethical. A more appropriate analogy here might be a tattoo artist /surgeon /boxer who asks their partner if they want a tattoo / surgery / fight and then continues asking them every day after they've said no, then goes online to get ideas about how to persuade them into a tattoo /surgery /fight.

Like many ASD/ace people, I'm not mentally suited to any kind of sexual relationship, although I've been in them for most of my life due to the prevailing culture of "who cares if you're not enthusiastic about it, it's what you do." And here people are sharing tips and tricks to bully OP's partner into it too.

So sad.

If you think every time a sexual partner has not been in the mood but agreed to sex anyway to keep their other half happy that amounts to some sort of sex crime you are living in a dream world.

Like I said changing no into yes is part of the art of negotiation and relationships involve a lot of negotiation. No one is compelled by negotiation, requests and offers can always be turned down.

Respectfully why should consent have to be enthusiastic. Do you think a surgeon goes 'well I know I need to chop off his leg to save his life but when he signed the consent form he didn't seem enthusiastic.' Do you think boxers go check on each other before a fight to ask if the other side is enthusiastic about the fight? If some one gets a tattoo on a bet or a dare do you think they can sue the tattoo artist for doing a tattoo when they weren't enthusiastic?

People consent to do things they are not enthusiastic about all the time. Sometimes that's the right choice and sometimes they regret it but it is their choice.

If some one finds the idea of boring, unenjoyable, potentially inconvenient sex with a long term partner genuinely traumatic (as opposed to say disappointing or frustrating) then I question if they are mentally suited to any kind of sexual relationship.

Thank you Han x

I would strongly advise you to read up on enthusiastic consent. Good luck. As long as you start from a position where is clear you're not trying to change his mind I think you'll do ok. He may not have put his feelings into words even to himself though, so don't expect an instant response.

"Changing no into yes is part of living sharing your life with another person."

Peter, that is an appalling and dangerous attitude. Your comment literally advocates sexual coercion (and reproductive coercion?). You could easily end up committing not only deeply traumatizing sexual abuse but even crossing the boundary into criminal offence with that approach.

Sexual coercion:

sexualhealthdg.co.uk/sexualcoercion.php

What's wrong with someone choosing to have sex they don't want to maintain a relationship? From personal experience, the long lasting trauma that results, even in the absence of pressure from the partner, is what's wrong with it.

I have to guess though that if he used to be enthusiastic about sex he’s probably not gone off the idea. I supose enthusiasm could be elaborate masking on his part. Perhaps a bit easier to believe if he was playing a more passive role. But more likely there is some sort of emotional issue he’s struggling with.

performance anxiety, stress, impotence, other issues in the relationship. Or maybe he’s developed some really weird fetish and he’s afraid to tell you but not being able to tell you has put him off sex. Figuring a way to make him open up that doesn’t feel like an attack is the key thing.

Thank you Peter for your comment. This is totally hitting the nail on the head for me. 

I'm ok if he never wants sex again, but I would like him to try and explain to me why so I can be at peace with myself. I wouldn't be missing out as there are other ways to self pleasure. 

A relationship is about give and take and compromise and that's what i would like. 

Thanks x

Changing no into yes is part of living sharing your life with another person. When you share your life with someone else there are some decisions that need to be made are aren't me or you decisions any more but us decisions. She wants a cat, he wants a dog. Do you get both, neither? She wants children he doesn't. He wants a new car she wants a new conservatory, they can't afford both.

In relationships sometimes some one says no and the other side has to work to turn that no into a yes, and sometimes it stays a no. I'm sure that applys to sex just like it applies to any other disagreement in a relationship. What would actually be worse would be pretending it wasn't an issue. What happens if your significant other says no and you don't question or challenge that no? If you're afraid to 'pressure' them.

What happens if you get so sick of no but never say anything about it it kills the relationship? Is that fair on them? They might have preferred turning their no into a yes to the damage resentment has done to their relationship with you?

It may shock you to learn some people choose to have sex they don't enjoy because they know the person they care about is enjoying it. And what's wrong with that. After all there are lots of things people do for their other halfs they don't enjoy for their sake.

One can ALWAYS "dictate" (strange verb choice, but OK) what can and cannot happen to one's own body, and one never owes anyone an explanation for that. Relationship status has no effect on basic human rights.

The idea that someone owes you an explanation for not wanting to have sex simply because they've had sex with you before is rape culture.

I don't understand what your comment is in reference to. I'm referring to the original post and the "tips and tricks" replies it has generated.

HP35 said:

No means no. It doesn't mean argue against it and see if you can change your partner's mind. It doesn't mean go online and try to crowdsource strategies to manipulate them into changing their mind.

The origin of your rather extreme position on discussion within relationships is now obvious. 

HP35 said:

Martin said:

Such an idea is monstrous and inhuman.

Rape culture on display. Refusing to have sex is never "monstrous and inhuman," even if you can't express your reasons or don't know what your reasons are. Trying to change someone's "no" into a "yes" is.

You appear to be unable to understand that a sentence refers to that immediately preceding it. My sentence: "Such an idea is monstrous and inhuman.", refers, not to sex or rape, but to the preceding sentence whose subject is the hideous suggestion that, within a relationship, one partner can dictate something and the other partner should just accept it without discussion.

I know your type, you quote out of context and deliberately utilise straw man arguments. It is a very poor substitute for engaging in real dialogue. 

HP35 said:

Martin said:

Such an idea is monstrous and inhuman.

Rape culture on display. Refusing to have sex is never "monstrous and inhuman," even if you can't express your reasons or don't know what your reasons are. Trying to change someone's "no" into a "yes" is.

You appear to be unable to understand that a sentence refers to that immediately preceding it. My sentence: "Such an idea is monstrous and inhuman.", refers, not to sex or rape, but to the preceding sentence whose subject is the hideous suggestion that, within a relationship, one partner can dictate something and the other partner should just accept it without discussion.

I know your type, you quote out of context and deliberately utilise straw man arguments. It is a very poor substitute for engaging in real dialogue. 

One can ALWAYS "dictate" (strange verb choice, but OK) what can and cannot happen to one's own body, and one never owes anyone an explanation for that. Relationship status has no effect on basic human rights.

The idea that someone owes you an explanation for not wanting to have sex simply because they've had sex with you before is rape culture.