Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm looking for some advice or for you to tell me how you would feel in this situation.
My partner is autistic with PDA. We have a wonderful relationship. As time goes on I am learning to do things how he needs them done, we are working as a team and generally doing well. We have our spats but who doesn't?
However sex has stopped. We have been together for 2 years now and sex was always something we both loved and appeared to enjoy.
I firstly put it down to stress at work for him & the run up to Xmas. His work load is heavy and stressful and any event/bday/xmas is also very stressful for him. But that having had past now nothing has changed. I'm not concerned for my relationship as he is so loving. Cuddles me, kisses me, holds my hand etc. Will show affection in a number of different ways. But I would like to try and understand why he no longer would like sex. Now the easy answer to this is to ask him......I've tried but he instantly becomes unsettled and says "I just don't want to"
Has anyone been in these circumstance themselves? How would of you liked your partner to approach it?
The PDA I feel impacts here massively as I feel he knows he should tell me but he can't.
I'm doing my best but as time goes on I can't help thinking it's me, him not finding me attractive any longer, something I'm doing wrong etc. I try so hard not to think like this is I'm 90% sure this isn't the case but it's hard and some days very exhausting.
Any suggestions are welcome and I really appreciate you reading this fair. x
Yes, I've been in this situation, having tried sex, realised I don't like it, and decided not to have it again. I would have liked my partner to approach it by taking "I don't want to" as settling the matter and not bringing it up again.
HP35 said: I would have liked my partner to approach it by taking "I don't want to" as settling the matter and not bringing it up again.
A full discussion of your and your partner's feelings is the very least anyone would expect from a fully sentient human being.
In a sexual context, no means no and never requires a reason, explanation or justification.
I begin to suspect that you are not merely extreme in your views of what constitutes criminal activity in regard to sexual matters - your views are certainly not supported by the relevant criminal law statutes - but are somewhat phobic regarding sex.
Revolting.
Revolting. I genuinely feel physically ill that there are men in 2022 who still have these attitudes.
I said expecting someone to have sex with you *may* make you a horrible person. It’s context dependant.
if you think some one is obligated to have sex with you because you went on an expensive date and paid for it all then yes that probably counts as being a horrible person. If you expect your spouse to make time for sex with you some time in the next few days probably entirely reasonable.
on the other hand if you married some one who is asexual and told you so before you married and made it very clear sex wouldn’t be a part of the relationship then yes maybe expecting sex would be unreasonable. But that is not the situation here. Very very clearly not the situation the original poster is talking about. Ok?
HP35 said:Rape culture is the idea that sex is an obligation or something it's reasonable to expect another person to provide for you.
Entirely bizarre.
The expectation of anything is predicated on the circumstances. If one were on honeymoon with a recently married partner, the expectation of having sexual relations would be very high and entirely reasonable.
Less likely. Not zero.
You are correct in that expecting someone to have sex with you makes you a horrible person. I would have thought that's something most people, including the poster who started this thread, would want to avoid.