Relationship/Sex -My partner is autistic with PDA

I begin to suspect that you are not merely extreme in your views of what constitutes criminal activity in regard to sexual matters - your views are certainly not supported by the relevant criminal law statutes - but are somewhat phobic regarding sex. 

Revolting.

Revolting. I genuinely feel physically ill that there are men in 2022 who still have these attitudes.

I said expecting someone to have sex with you *may* make you a horrible person. It’s context dependant.

if you think some one is obligated to have sex with you because you went on an expensive date and paid for it all then yes that probably counts as being a horrible person. If you expect your spouse to make time for sex with you some time in the next few days probably entirely reasonable.

on the other hand if you married some one who is asexual and told you so before you married and made it very clear sex wouldn’t be a part of the relationship then yes maybe expecting sex would be unreasonable. But that is not the situation here. Very very clearly not the situation the original poster is talking about. Ok?

HP35 said:

Rape culture is the idea that sex is an obligation or something it's reasonable to expect another person to provide for you.

Entirely bizarre.

The expectation of anything is predicated on the circumstances. If one were on honeymoon with a recently married partner, the expectation of having sexual relations would be very high and entirely reasonable.

Less likely. Not zero.

You are correct in that expecting someone to have sex with you makes you a horrible person. I would have thought that's something most people, including the poster who started this thread, would want to avoid.

No rape culture doesn't really exist, except in very limited pockets in a small minority of society. And in so far as it exists it is the normalisation of the act of rape. Expecting some one to have sex with you is not rape, thinking some one is obligated to have sex with you is not rape, It may well be being a horrible person but it's not rape. Forcing some one to have sex with you is rape.

HP35 said:

Sex is also irreversible (no cure for cancer-causing HPV for example, which can be spread even through "protected"sex), has potentially life limiting consequences, and is elective.

So can shaking hands. HPV is not exclusively a disease of the genitals. People still tend to expect you to shake hands and you are still at liberty to refuse to. by the way your claim is not backed up by science HPV is much less likely to spread when condoms are used

Sex is also irreversible (no cure for cancer-causing HPV for example, which can be spread even through "protected"sex), has potentially life limiting consequences, and is elective.

Rape culture is the idea that sex is an obligation or something it's reasonable to expect another person to provide for you. It's what has shaped your views on romantic relationships.

HP35 said:

It usually takes about a decade of regularly requesting the procedure to access female sterilisation, as an example, and counselling would absolutely be compulsory.

Very much the exception and not the rule. Comparable to a sex change really in the sense that many aspects of it are irreversible, life limiting and elective.

HP35 said:

Statistically, asexuality is disproportionately common within the autistic community,

Which is to say its slightly less rare than in the population more generally. Its still very much the minority of autistic people who are asexual.

HP35 said:

The expectation that sex is a requirement within a romantic relationship is a part of rape culture. It's not a positive thing and not something to perpetuate. It's also been ruled as incompatible with the human rights act, so hopefully on its way out (already doesn't apply to same-sex marriages).

I've no idea what you are talking about. Expecting sex to be a part of a romantic relationship is very definitely not any form of rape. Are you conflating expectation with some form of force. The only reason gay marriages can't be annulled for lack of consummation is parliament was too lazy to write a sensible definition of what consummation would look like into the law so chose to dodge the issue.

I've no idea how you think the human rights act applies here so I invite you to refer me to the specific case law.

So glad that I was able to help. The fact that you clearly love each other should be enough to get you through this. Its not easy but hopefully you will both find a way that works for you

Im happy to answer your question. I am happy for my wife to self pleasure when Im going through these times, its important to me that she can still get some pleasure and relaxation. I even encouraged her to buy some toys to help her de- stress

The only thing I would say is just make sure he knows that your self pleasure time is not a replacement for him or sex with him, its just a way of de-stressing and satisfying your sex drive. Masturbation can help in this situation as it takes the pressure off and then he can have sex when hes ready

It usually takes about a decade of regularly requesting the procedure to access female sterilisation, as an example, and counselling would absolutely be compulsory.

Statistically, asexuality is disproportionately common within the autistic community, and ace individuals are much more likely to be autistic than the general population. 

The expectation that sex is a requirement within a romantic relationship is a part of rape culture. It's not a positive thing and not something to perpetuate. It's also been ruled as incompatible with the human rights act, so hopefully on its way out (already doesn't apply to same-sex marriages).

HP35 said:

A more appropriate analogy here might be a tattoo artist /surgeon /boxer who asks their partner if they want a tattoo / surgery / fight and then continues asking them every day after they've said no, then goes online to get ideas about how to persuade them into a tattoo /surgery /fight.

I think you're nitpicking but in fairness let me nitpick those nitpicks. Those analogies don't fit either because going into a relationship there is no expectation that people will get a tattoo etc. >99% of romantic relationships involve sex at some stage and unless its very explicitly stated at the start it's perfectly reasonable to expect a romantic relationship that lasts long enough to become sexual. For example failiour to have sex after a marriage is one of the few grounds for annulment.

A better analogy might be a p*rn star turning up on set and saying 'I'm happy to do anything on camera as long as it isn't sex.' Sure there is acting and modelling etc involved in the job but the sex is a pretty indispensable part of it. I know its not a perfect example because there is an exchange of money involved but there are few situations, other than a romantic relationship, where sex is a reasonable expectation.

HP35 said:

Like many ASD/ace people, I'm not mentally suited to any kind of sexual relationship

I wish you wouldn't equate ASD with asexuality. For most autistic people nothing could be further from the truth.

HP35 said:

Hence being required to have counselling before being allowed to consent to many elective surgeries, for example.

I can't think for a single example in the uk where that is true. There are certainly situations where its offered. mastectomies for breast cancer perhaps. But I'm not aware of any where it's required. Sex changes would be about the only one. I've never heard os some one having to have counselling for a nose job or face lift or even something like a heart bypass.

All the examples you mentioned have ethics codes that involve exploring the reasons behind the person's consent. Hence being required to have counselling before being allowed to consent to many elective surgeries, for example. It's partly about protecting oneself from litigation or prosecution, and partly just not wanting to do anything unethical. A more appropriate analogy here might be a tattoo artist /surgeon /boxer who asks their partner if they want a tattoo / surgery / fight and then continues asking them every day after they've said no, then goes online to get ideas about how to persuade them into a tattoo /surgery /fight.

Like many ASD/ace people, I'm not mentally suited to any kind of sexual relationship, although I've been in them for most of my life due to the prevailing culture of "who cares if you're not enthusiastic about it, it's what you do." And here people are sharing tips and tricks to bully OP's partner into it too.

So sad.

Thank you so much for your reply. This sounds SO much like the case for us. The reassurance you have given me is massive. And I really hope this is the case. 

He's been under alot of pressure with work and a few things changing in life. 

I love him loads and want to just help him but I understand that it's not that easy. 

This is a personal question and I understand if you don't feel you can answer. How do you/would you feel if your wife is self pleasuring while you are in the spell. 

Thanks again x

If you think every time a sexual partner has not been in the mood but agreed to sex anyway to keep their other half happy that amounts to some sort of sex crime you are living in a dream world.

Like I said changing no into yes is part of the art of negotiation and relationships involve a lot of negotiation. No one is compelled by negotiation, requests and offers can always be turned down.

Respectfully why should consent have to be enthusiastic. Do you think a surgeon goes 'well I know I need to chop off his leg to save his life but when he signed the consent form he didn't seem enthusiastic.' Do you think boxers go check on each other before a fight to ask if the other side is enthusiastic about the fight? If some one gets a tattoo on a bet or a dare do you think they can sue the tattoo artist for doing a tattoo when they weren't enthusiastic?

People consent to do things they are not enthusiastic about all the time. Sometimes that's the right choice and sometimes they regret it but it is their choice.

If some one finds the idea of boring, unenjoyable, potentially inconvenient sex with a long term partner genuinely traumatic (as opposed to say disappointing or frustrating) then I question if they are mentally suited to any kind of sexual relationship.

Just read your post. I cant say for sure whats going on in your partners mind as all autistic people are different but what he is doing chimes with some of my own experiences. 

 I have a very high sex drive and sometimes want sex very often, which suits my wife as she has an incredibly high sex drive. However, despite this I go through long periods when I do not want sex at all and when me and my wife were first together this was very difficult for her, she couldnt understand why and often felt that I didnt find her attractive, particularly as I was still able to do masturbation even when I wasnt able to have sex.

The reason for this is that sex is a very demanding thing for an autistic person. It is the ultimate form of social interaction with another human being. Often we find conversations with people a challenge so you can imagine how difficult something as intimate as sex can be. It is also a massive sensory overload, all the different sounds and smells and things we feel. 
I myslef go through periods when it is easy for me and I can do it all the time and periods when it is really difficult and I cant do it at all, often when I am going through overwhelming situations in other areas of my life but not always. I dont know but maybe your partner is going through something similar? If it is then when he is  less burned out or overwhelmed then maybe he will be able to have sex again

The only advice I can give is whatever you do dont pressure him or ask him when hes going to have sex with you again. That will make him feel like there is expectation on him to do it and then it will be even harder for him to. Just keep up a dialoge about it, be open with your feelings about sex and let him know it is a safe space for him to be honest about his. Communication is the most important thing

Thank you Han x

I would strongly advise you to read up on enthusiastic consent. Good luck. As long as you start from a position where is clear you're not trying to change his mind I think you'll do ok. He may not have put his feelings into words even to himself though, so don't expect an instant response.

"Changing no into yes is part of living sharing your life with another person."

Peter, that is an appalling and dangerous attitude. Your comment literally advocates sexual coercion (and reproductive coercion?). You could easily end up committing not only deeply traumatizing sexual abuse but even crossing the boundary into criminal offence with that approach.

Sexual coercion:

sexualhealthdg.co.uk/sexualcoercion.php

What's wrong with someone choosing to have sex they don't want to maintain a relationship? From personal experience, the long lasting trauma that results, even in the absence of pressure from the partner, is what's wrong with it.