No diagnosis but after some help and advice

JP87 With me, I think I had picked up from an early age that children would play group games in the playground at school. I was always reluctant to join in. By the time I was in my mid-to-late teens, I definitely knew I was certainly different to my friends. I would be quite happy to pop round to see them one-to-one, as opposed to wanting to go out pubbling/clubbing as part of a group. As things stand, my current close circle of friends aren't mutual friends with each other.

Edited to add: You might be interested in taking a look at the link below, which should open in a new window:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202003/5-subtle-indications-autism-in-women

@sparkly that sounds just like me I think mine a more more subtle.

I'm definitely better one on one of a small close group if I'm in a bit group I tend to be a listener and not get involved

I've never felt like I fit in I was always the odd one out, or the different one

But when you know no different and you grow up like it you just think that's normal to you don't you 

Autistic people can have difficulty maintaining high levels of affection and loving feedback that a non-autistic people usually need in a relationship, and may find their own realistic level or ways of showing their continued love.  This could be undying loyalty, or less touchy feeling ways as you have said, or other ways, but those may not be enough or confusing for non-autistic people, or may be expected as just basic requirements and not valued as intended.  They may not want to adjust their expectations, and that can make it difficult long-term.

My last partner said I was really loving at the start and then started to stop loving, it wasn't the same reason as you it was circumstances and my own difficulties, but I still loved her the same deep down.  I explained why to her, but she didn't accept it or believe me and it was more difficult then.

Aspergers in Love, by Maxine Aston is a great book that explains what can happen in relationships with autistic people.  I think its in there that there is a quote from an autistic man that told his partner that he loved her, once, and didn't again because he felt he didn't need to keep saying it because it was implied by staying with her.

Not managing moods/feelings well could be a sign of autism.

It would be worth looking back over your life and think of any difficulties you know about or things people have said, your mum might have a good idea so see if she has an examples when you were younger.  Autism can be more obvious in children because they haven't yet learnt to mask their behaviour to fit in, or learnt to manage better.

JP87 With regards to research, I would say to cast your mind back as far as you can... what you were like as a child and adolescent, and if there is anything that stands out. In my case, I always felt like I didn't quite fit in. With friends, I felt more comfortable one-to-one than being in a group setting. I feel that my own traits were/are subtle. For example, I can do eye contact and think I'm fairly good at picking up on things like body language. However, the more I began to research some of the more subtle traits, the more I found myself thinking, "That's me!"

I am terrible for picking or chewing the skin on my fingers, definitely when I'm relaxing or when I feel myself getting anxious. 

I have had cbt for ocd, chevking plugs, handles switches.

And I'm not really one for sitting still for too long. 

So possibly those

Any self regulatory behaviour. I pick the skin on my fingers and bite it to self soothe or when relaxing.

I rub my thighs with very firm pressure when seated on the sofa. 

I sometimes rock slightly side to side when deep in thought or when on the phone for extended periods.

I twirl the curls in my hair between my finger and thumb.

Any action that you do to calm yourself, or make yourself relaxed etc…. You might not realise these things right away.

Catlover) thank you for your reply. Your sumituations with relationships sound alot like how I amand feel, and I've always been like that no matter who I've been with.

When you say stims what do you mean by that sorry. 

Sporadic Sparkly) thank you for your reply

With regards to regards to researching what sort of things do i need to look back on, this area is all very new so not sure what I'd be looking at.

Yes I have had these blood tests several times in the past and always come back fine. 

Some people with Autism can have subtle traits, and slip under the radar undetected. If it's something you feel you would like to explore, then I would recommend the suggestion Catlover has given of doing some research and seeing if any of it resonates with you. 

The tiredness you feel, along with your moods could well be linked to Autism, but could also be a symptom of something physical. It would be worth asking your GP for blood tests. Just over a decade ago I had gone from being a reasonably active person to suddenly feeling physically and mentally fatigued. It turned out that I'd got an under-active thyroid.

I think in the past I have tended to go along with the amount of affection that is given, and just put up with it. However, I prefer not to do it. Hand holding and cuddling is not my thing. And also, it varies with the person I’m in the relationship with. Throughout my marriage I didn’t want to be cuddly or affectionate with my ex husband. With my recent ex, who I was with for 2.5 years, I was more spontaneous with affection, and I enjoyed it in certain incidences, but still it wasn’t much compared to a typical couple. Even sitting too close for too long on the sofa wasn’t nice.

Regarding my children, I was more hands on with them. It felt natural to hold them and nurture them.  But as they are almost 18 and 27 now, it is a struggle. I want to hug them, but can’t. They have to hug me, and I am still awkward and still. They understand though. I’m still trying to find out what it is that makes me feel weird. I know that a hug must be tight, and if the arms are long, all the better. Small arms don’t go all the way round, and sort of hover on my back. Not good lol.

Regarding ASD, it’s worth saying other things can mimic some of the traits. You need to do some sound searching. Look at your childhood. Think about stims you might have and have suppressed…or hobbies that you have been mad over… 

Autism can take a back seat in some people, and deficits might not show as brightly as some others. I don’t think the AQ is something to worry about. If you score above the cut off, and suspect you might be Autistic compile some reasons why, and take it to your GP, or talk it through with a private psychologist, to see if it’s worth being assessed.

Thank you both for your replies

Oaklingthank you, it's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this.

I'll have a look at that spoons theory and have a read.

Yes that's how I feel with the physical affection, I say exactly the same to my husband 'I don't need it' and I've also said that to him. That I show affection in other ways, my own way. 

Sporadic Sparkly) yes that exactly how we are, he still needs and want it but for me it's just not something that I need to 'function'

Yes having a 2 year is definitely more tiring, I was always the same before him, it's just more noticeable now. 

Thank your for pointing me in the direction of the test, I have tried that AQ50 and my score is on the lower side of the scale but says the score I have indicates some autistic trates. So with this do you think it's worth a chat to my doctor? I just feel awkward I suppose bringing it up.

Thank you again

I don't have much experience of long-term relationships, but I had once been in a relationship that looked like it was going somewhere. At the beginning of the relationship, we both appeared to be on the same page in terms of the amount of physical affection we gave each other. However, as the relationship progressed and I felt more settled, my need for this mutual exchange of affection waned somewhat. His hadn't, and it caused him to feel a sense of rejection, even though (like you) I loved him to bits and was deliriously happy in his company. 

You have a 2-year-old, and that in itself can be exhausting. The love you have for your child is different, so it's not surprising that you are different with your child in terms of the physical affection you give.

If you're curious as to whether you may be Autistic, there is something called an AQ50 assessment, which can be done online. Absolutely free, and no having to register with a website to do it. It won't provide you with a diagnosis but will give you a clearer idea as to whether you might be Autistic.
https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

Hello there. I don’t know how much help I’ll be, but having read your comment, I can see a lot of myself in what you have written.

If this is something that is worrying you or lingering in your mind a little, I can’t see how speaking to a doctor could be a bad thing. My referral for a diagnosis was quite lengthy (a matter or several years) but it all started with a trip to the doctors. Not everyone has this experience though, so it might be that you hear from others in here regarding this aspect of your comment.

The parts where you mentioned being drained and physical affection are most definitely aspects I can relate to.

With regards to always feeling drained, this is something that I am still learning how to navigate (lots of threads on here have referred to something called spoons theory, which I’ve been reading up on and is a great analogy for what I experience daily). This is something that I feel my diagnosis of being autistic explains for me and is therefore something I have been more accepting of post diagnosis. So I can most definitely relate to this.

In terms of physical affection, this is just something that does not come naturally to me. I recognise that others need it, but I simply don’t so I can often miss cues for when it is needed, simply for the fact that I don’t see things that way. My wife knows this about me, but it was many years of navigating this as a couple for her to realise that I still loved her just as much as I always had, I just didn’t show it in the more conventional ways. We have a system that works well for us now, but this again was potentially helped by being on a waiting list to be assessed for so long. Or perhaps it was just through lots of open conversation about the ways I show affection that she was missing due to our cues being different. E.g. instead of a hug, I would make some art or an ornament/sign/piece of furniture out of the blue. This was my way of showing that I cared about her. 

Not sure that I’ve been much help, but I just wanted to let you know the ways in which I can relate to your post here.

All the best.