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No diagnosis but after some help and advice

JP87

Hi every one,

I've not had any diagnoses or seen any doctors but after some advice from people who maybe able to help.

My question is with relationships, I've been with my husband now for 8 years and I feel really bad as I think he feels I don't live him which I really do, he just says I'm not very affectionate, which I know I'm not.

Maybe at the start of our relationship I was more loving and normal I suppose you could say but now further down the line Im just not like that and he doesn't understand why, I always tell him I don't need all that cuddling/kissing, that isn't what a relationship is too me, but to him it's a big thing, but it just makes me feel uncomfortable although I do love him to bits.

Although I can be totally different with my 2 year old. 

I also find I can struggle with my moods and take this out with him, I just always feel so drained, to which I did have some meds for this last year which seemed to help after having a baby through lockdown got me at rock bottom. 

I never thought of anything along this line of diagnoses, untill my mom mentioned it too me. I'm not saying this is what it is but just looking for others experience to see if I'm not the only one out here like this. And wether it is something that I should maybe see the doctors about possibly?

Thank you all for listening, I'm very greatful of any advice any one can give.

Parents

  • Hello there. I don’t know how much help I’ll be, but having read your comment, I can see a lot of myself in what you have written.

    If this is something that is worrying you or lingering in your mind a little, I can’t see how speaking to a doctor could be a bad thing. My referral for a diagnosis was quite lengthy (a matter or several years) but it all started with a trip to the doctors. Not everyone has this experience though, so it might be that you hear from others in here regarding this aspect of your comment.

    The parts where you mentioned being drained and physical affection are most definitely aspects I can relate to.

    With regards to always feeling drained, this is something that I am still learning how to navigate (lots of threads on here have referred to something called spoons theory, which I’ve been reading up on and is a great analogy for what I experience daily). This is something that I feel my diagnosis of being autistic explains for me and is therefore something I have been more accepting of post diagnosis. So I can most definitely relate to this.

    In terms of physical affection, this is just something that does not come naturally to me. I recognise that others need it, but I simply don’t so I can often miss cues for when it is needed, simply for the fact that I don’t see things that way. My wife knows this about me, but it was many years of navigating this as a couple for her to realise that I still loved her just as much as I always had, I just didn’t show it in the more conventional ways. We have a system that works well for us now, but this again was potentially helped by being on a waiting list to be assessed for so long. Or perhaps it was just through lots of open conversation about the ways I show affection that she was missing due to our cues being different. E.g. instead of a hug, I would make some art or an ornament/sign/piece of furniture out of the blue. This was my way of showing that I cared about her. 

    Not sure that I’ve been much help, but I just wanted to let you know the ways in which I can relate to your post here.

    All the best.

Reply

  • Hello there. I don’t know how much help I’ll be, but having read your comment, I can see a lot of myself in what you have written.

    If this is something that is worrying you or lingering in your mind a little, I can’t see how speaking to a doctor could be a bad thing. My referral for a diagnosis was quite lengthy (a matter or several years) but it all started with a trip to the doctors. Not everyone has this experience though, so it might be that you hear from others in here regarding this aspect of your comment.

    The parts where you mentioned being drained and physical affection are most definitely aspects I can relate to.

    With regards to always feeling drained, this is something that I am still learning how to navigate (lots of threads on here have referred to something called spoons theory, which I’ve been reading up on and is a great analogy for what I experience daily). This is something that I feel my diagnosis of being autistic explains for me and is therefore something I have been more accepting of post diagnosis. So I can most definitely relate to this.

    In terms of physical affection, this is just something that does not come naturally to me. I recognise that others need it, but I simply don’t so I can often miss cues for when it is needed, simply for the fact that I don’t see things that way. My wife knows this about me, but it was many years of navigating this as a couple for her to realise that I still loved her just as much as I always had, I just didn’t show it in the more conventional ways. We have a system that works well for us now, but this again was potentially helped by being on a waiting list to be assessed for so long. Or perhaps it was just through lots of open conversation about the ways I show affection that she was missing due to our cues being different. E.g. instead of a hug, I would make some art or an ornament/sign/piece of furniture out of the blue. This was my way of showing that I cared about her. 

    Not sure that I’ve been much help, but I just wanted to let you know the ways in which I can relate to your post here.

    All the best.

Children
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