Attachment in friendships

Thank you Kitsune, I’ve heard your point before about demands on us growing around secondary school age, potentially beyond a person’s ability to mask in some areas. This rings true for me, and as I engage more with autistic people sharing their experiences, the doubt has been fading, for which I’m very grateful. Now it’s mostly the knowledge of other people’s doubt which can be difficult to deal with.

In terms of the blindness thing, some people have suggested this could explain social difficulties: I can’t see facial expressions, or know who is around in a busy room so initiating conversations might happen differently than it might be without these challenges. Losing one sense means having to learn to use the others differently, which can often make it seem like those senses are heightened. Some have even speculated that routine and special interests could be connected with blindness. None of this really feels like a satisfactory explanation to me, but some of it does make me question at times.

I think much of the scepticism from others comes from misconceptions of what autism can mean and look like…

Also thanks for the sympathy with the blindness but it’s mostly ok. It’s been all I’ve known since I was 2, so I’ve been luckier than many people who lose their vision later on and have to deal with grieving for it and readapting

I’m sorry to hear about your blindness, but I struggle to see how it could mimic autism symptoms. Struggling to make friends and sensory sensitivities are autistic traits. It’s also not uncommon that once people start secondary school, so around age 12, the social requirements begin to outstretch autistic social capabilities, thus making autism symptoms more obvious.

The main doubt factors are that I’m blind, so some of my family especially think that lots of my traits could be explained by that, and that my presentation of traits was very different before I was about 12: I certainly had sensory sensitivities, trouble making friends, (spent most of my time hanging out with adults until they stopped letting me) and over-regulated attention on things I was interested in, but other than that my mum says she didn’t see traits in me… Sometimes I’m sure we all wish we could get into others’ minds so we could know whether/how our experiences of the world were different

It’s a sad truth for autistics. What is it that makes you doubt your diagnosis?  It seems like you’re saying that you have difficulty reading other peoples social cues, which is a very autistic trait.

Sadly your thought about how expecting rejection might be learnt behaviour for us makes sense. Sometimes I still doubt my diagnosis and I’m not sure how to articulate my social differences, but thin like the clinginess, the difficulty with boundaries, the craving connection with a tiny number of people, and struggling to keep conversations light/more surface level are definitely true for me. N sure in a lot of cases why that would be annoying for others though - yes, they have better things to do/better people to spend time with, but I’d be honoured if someone clung to me, I would think at ‘Ok, if it’s this important to them maybe there’s something to be explored.’ Also the two people I’m thinking of also have autistic traits, (one is formally diagnosed) so I’m not sure if it’s a dble empathy thing unless I’m actually NT…

I would agree actually, when I crave close connection with someone, I tend to assume that it wouldn’t be reciprocated, and that I would be making a nuisance of myself by pursuing it. Sadly, I think it is learnt behaviour as autistic life experience tends to be multiple rejection my multiple people who find our social differences annoying.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Yes, the awareness of what we are to people is important. I often automatically assume people with whom I crave close connection don’t want the same with me though, and tuning into that feeling to let it neutralise some clinginess can be tough

When I was younger I could possibly be a bit clingy in friendships, as I’ve got older I’ve become more realistic about what I am to other people. By that I mean, I’m aware that a lot of people will act friendly, and even visit my house or accompany me on days out, whilst only viewing me as an acquaintance. I have my set of autistic friends now, so it’s easier to tolerate NT social games. 
Also, it is totally possible to become obsessed with a person and therefore a friend. It’s a long time since I’ve been obsessed with a friend, but it has happened.

Thank you for all these thoughts. I very much relate to your first paragraph. If I feel a connection with someone, it usually happens quite quickly. For me the closeness/intensity of attachment grows as we get to know each other though, (probably to be expected?) But it’s very rare to find someone who feels as intense a connection with me as I feel with them, especially in the early stages, as you say.

I think this helps explain my tendency to overshare with people I barely know. Although I equally struggle to be open when openness is called for, so it’s an interesting dynamic.

What you say about special interests feels true and really helpful, so thank you

I need gaming

I think I can relate to this in a roundabout way. For me personally, I develop relationships with others far faster than they do with me. Generally it takes about 4 weeks of me knowing someone, and then it's like a switch goes off in my brain which causes me to sort of finalize however I feel about them. In the case of close friends, this means I view them as much closer to me than they do, at least for a while. As they get to know me more, that relationship builds up but it's really more like they catch up with where I already am. I can't help the level of attachment I feel, so I just have to make sure I keep it in check and don't act untoward. This isn't exactly what you're describing but I suspect it has the same impact.

I will also say that a person can be the object of a special interest just like absolutely everything else. I've had special interests in practical/tangible things like games before but right now my main special interest is an abstract concept -- completely removed from anything physical etc. My point here is that **anything** can be a special interest, including people. All of the usual benefits and drawbacks apply in that case, though I'd argue having an obsession with a person is less healthy than something inanimate or conceptual. Just something to keep in mind if you think this is the case for you.

I am sorry that you appear to have had a one-sided friendship with the friend you spoke about. It's never nice when that happens.

Thank you for the compliment. I too hope that you can find a friend who recognises your qualities, accepts you the way you are, and can provide you with the kind of friendship you would like.

Yes, I’ve been in a similar place and it’s really hard. The friend I spoke about in my post has forgotten we agreed to meet and spent time with someone else instead, and she’s also cancelled on me a few times. It hurts a lot hearing her mention close friends when I strongly suspect I’m not among them. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this too.

It sometimes feels like I simply can’t form a lasting close connection. You seem like an awesome person, and I hope you find others who can see that and connect with you in the ways you hope for and deserve

Your last paragraph certainly resonates with me.

I have an acquaintance who I once considered to be a close friend. She was (and still is) a 'social butterfly'  with a good many friends. I often felt that I had to compete for her attention, which I found most frustrating. There were occasions when we would make plans to meet up, and I'd be left waiting because she had completely forgotten and made plans with other friends. When she spoke about what she had been getting up to with her other friends, it would often make me feel insanely jealous. 

That sounds tough, thank you for sharing.

Although I tell myself clinginess comes from valuing the friendship, it seems to come across to others as more an antidote to loneliness/isolation, as you describe. Maybe I’m uncomfortable with that, and therefore don’t admit it to myself, I don’t know.

I haven’t had a best friend who feels the same for me since primary school, and I want that: I want to be mutually valued by someone in that way. And maybe because of that, it can be hard to hear those with whom I crave close friendship talk about their close friends when I’m not among them. I’m not proud of that, I should be happy for them and respect that they are allowed to have other people in their lives, but it’s hard sometimes.

The two positions seem related though: friendships are rare and precious, and so if we often find ourselves isolated we value those connections more, and so we cling. I’m not sure, does that resonate?

I think this is where we possibly differ. For me, the clinginess has nothing to do with demonstrating how much I value their friendship. It's more a dependency thing and a need for social interaction with them to stop myself from feeling isolated and lonely. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my friends have their own lives to live, responsibilities, families to take care of, their own interests, etc. In other words, that's it's unfair of me to expect them to be at my beck and call.

Exactly, this is me all the time. In some ways it’s a valuable thing to have that tiny circle of very close friends, but then losing them is really painful :( My clinginess seems to push my friends away, but for me this is a way of showing I care about them, so it’s hard to know how to navigate that one

Many of us on the spectrum can experience difficulties forming friendships, and as a result we can have a much smaller circle of close (trusted) friends than people who aren't on the spectrum. Because we have fewer close friends, I think this can sometimes make us more intense and clingy.

Whilst I think about my close friends on an almost daily basis, and can get a little obsessed if I've not heard from them for a while, the only close friends that I have ever fantasised about were ones that I had hoped to be romantically involved with.