Attachment in friendships

Many of us on the spectrum can experience difficulties forming friendships, and as a result we can have a much smaller circle of close (trusted) friends than people who aren't on the spectrum. Because we have fewer close friends, I think this can sometimes make us more intense and clingy.

Whilst I think about my close friends on an almost daily basis, and can get a little obsessed if I've not heard from them for a while, the only close friends that I have ever fantasised about were ones that I had hoped to be romantically involved with.

Exactly, this is me all the time. In some ways it’s a valuable thing to have that tiny circle of very close friends, but then losing them is really painful :( My clinginess seems to push my friends away, but for me this is a way of showing I care about them, so it’s hard to know how to navigate that one

I think this is where we possibly differ. For me, the clinginess has nothing to do with demonstrating how much I value their friendship. It's more a dependency thing and a need for social interaction with them to stop myself from feeling isolated and lonely. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my friends have their own lives to live, responsibilities, families to take care of, their own interests, etc. In other words, that's it's unfair of me to expect them to be at my beck and call.

I am sorry that you appear to have had a one-sided friendship with the friend you spoke about. It's never nice when that happens.

Thank you for the compliment. I too hope that you can find a friend who recognises your qualities, accepts you the way you are, and can provide you with the kind of friendship you would like.

Yes, I’ve been in a similar place and it’s really hard. The friend I spoke about in my post has forgotten we agreed to meet and spent time with someone else instead, and she’s also cancelled on me a few times. It hurts a lot hearing her mention close friends when I strongly suspect I’m not among them. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this too.

It sometimes feels like I simply can’t form a lasting close connection. You seem like an awesome person, and I hope you find others who can see that and connect with you in the ways you hope for and deserve

Your last paragraph certainly resonates with me.

I have an acquaintance who I once considered to be a close friend. She was (and still is) a 'social butterfly'  with a good many friends. I often felt that I had to compete for her attention, which I found most frustrating. There were occasions when we would make plans to meet up, and I'd be left waiting because she had completely forgotten and made plans with other friends. When she spoke about what she had been getting up to with her other friends, it would often make me feel insanely jealous. 

That sounds tough, thank you for sharing.

Although I tell myself clinginess comes from valuing the friendship, it seems to come across to others as more an antidote to loneliness/isolation, as you describe. Maybe I’m uncomfortable with that, and therefore don’t admit it to myself, I don’t know.

I haven’t had a best friend who feels the same for me since primary school, and I want that: I want to be mutually valued by someone in that way. And maybe because of that, it can be hard to hear those with whom I crave close friendship talk about their close friends when I’m not among them. I’m not proud of that, I should be happy for them and respect that they are allowed to have other people in their lives, but it’s hard sometimes.

The two positions seem related though: friendships are rare and precious, and so if we often find ourselves isolated we value those connections more, and so we cling. I’m not sure, does that resonate?

That sounds tough, thank you for sharing.

Although I tell myself clinginess comes from valuing the friendship, it seems to come across to others as more an antidote to loneliness/isolation, as you describe. Maybe I’m uncomfortable with that, and therefore don’t admit it to myself, I don’t know.

I haven’t had a best friend who feels the same for me since primary school, and I want that: I want to be mutually valued by someone in that way. And maybe because of that, it can be hard to hear those with whom I crave close friendship talk about their close friends when I’m not among them. I’m not proud of that, I should be happy for them and respect that they are allowed to have other people in their lives, but it’s hard sometimes.

The two positions seem related though: friendships are rare and precious, and so if we often find ourselves isolated we value those connections more, and so we cling. I’m not sure, does that resonate?

I am sorry that you appear to have had a one-sided friendship with the friend you spoke about. It's never nice when that happens.

Thank you for the compliment. I too hope that you can find a friend who recognises your qualities, accepts you the way you are, and can provide you with the kind of friendship you would like.

Yes, I’ve been in a similar place and it’s really hard. The friend I spoke about in my post has forgotten we agreed to meet and spent time with someone else instead, and she’s also cancelled on me a few times. It hurts a lot hearing her mention close friends when I strongly suspect I’m not among them. I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this too.

It sometimes feels like I simply can’t form a lasting close connection. You seem like an awesome person, and I hope you find others who can see that and connect with you in the ways you hope for and deserve

Your last paragraph certainly resonates with me.

I have an acquaintance who I once considered to be a close friend. She was (and still is) a 'social butterfly'  with a good many friends. I often felt that I had to compete for her attention, which I found most frustrating. There were occasions when we would make plans to meet up, and I'd be left waiting because she had completely forgotten and made plans with other friends. When she spoke about what she had been getting up to with her other friends, it would often make me feel insanely jealous.