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Attachment in friendships

sphynx

Hi all,

I’m very clingy in friendships and I think it can be intense for the other person. One friend in particular I have been kind of obsessed with for about 7 years: I’ve been in love with them for that time, and I very frequently think and fantasise about them. We were really close at one point but there’s been a lot of fluctuation in our connection, which I find really painful. Wondering if anyone can relate either to the obsessiveness or the struggling with flux in friendships? Maybe the former could be connected with special interests - is this person a special interest for me? Is a mind prone to getting obsessed with things more likely to get obsessed with friends too? And perhaps the latter could be part of a more general discomfort with change, (although in most other situations I struggle with this less)? Or maybe it’s just me… I’d appreciate some thoughts. Thanks in advance :)

Parents

  • I think I can relate to this in a roundabout way. For me personally, I develop relationships with others far faster than they do with me. Generally it takes about 4 weeks of me knowing someone, and then it's like a switch goes off in my brain which causes me to sort of finalize however I feel about them. In the case of close friends, this means I view them as much closer to me than they do, at least for a while. As they get to know me more, that relationship builds up but it's really more like they catch up with where I already am. I can't help the level of attachment I feel, so I just have to make sure I keep it in check and don't act untoward. This isn't exactly what you're describing but I suspect it has the same impact.

    I will also say that a person can be the object of a special interest just like absolutely everything else. I've had special interests in practical/tangible things like games before but right now my main special interest is an abstract concept -- completely removed from anything physical etc. My point here is that **anything** can be a special interest, including people. All of the usual benefits and drawbacks apply in that case, though I'd argue having an obsession with a person is less healthy than something inanimate or conceptual. Just something to keep in mind if you think this is the case for you.

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  • I think I can relate to this in a roundabout way. For me personally, I develop relationships with others far faster than they do with me. Generally it takes about 4 weeks of me knowing someone, and then it's like a switch goes off in my brain which causes me to sort of finalize however I feel about them. In the case of close friends, this means I view them as much closer to me than they do, at least for a while. As they get to know me more, that relationship builds up but it's really more like they catch up with where I already am. I can't help the level of attachment I feel, so I just have to make sure I keep it in check and don't act untoward. This isn't exactly what you're describing but I suspect it has the same impact.

    I will also say that a person can be the object of a special interest just like absolutely everything else. I've had special interests in practical/tangible things like games before but right now my main special interest is an abstract concept -- completely removed from anything physical etc. My point here is that **anything** can be a special interest, including people. All of the usual benefits and drawbacks apply in that case, though I'd argue having an obsession with a person is less healthy than something inanimate or conceptual. Just something to keep in mind if you think this is the case for you.

Children
  • in reply to Ultimadei

    Thank you for all these thoughts. I very much relate to your first paragraph. If I feel a connection with someone, it usually happens quite quickly. For me the closeness/intensity of attachment grows as we get to know each other though, (probably to be expected?) But it’s very rare to find someone who feels as intense a connection with me as I feel with them, especially in the early stages, as you say.

    I think this helps explain my tendency to overshare with people I barely know. Although I equally struggle to be open when openness is called for, so it’s an interesting dynamic.

    What you say about special interests feels true and really helpful, so thank you