Unexpected & Unplanned

Thank you. That's a good suggestion to let my friend know that she doesn't need to send me a courtesy message.

I have a friend with ADHD who does this as well. All my friends with ADHD are put into a category of "Well Meaning". I have a solid understanding of their type of chaos and disorganisation struggles so I have a clear understanding of what I can expect from him. He is one of the few I feel understood by: positive. He  has good intentions and is respectful: positive. He simply cannot stay organised: I expect this so I'm never disappointed. 

Maybe let your friend know there's no need to tell you when she'll get back, in fact it's preferred she doesn't. You can both assign this particular correspondence between you as and when there's time. This helps you know what to expect and might help her feel less pressured to make promises she can't possibly live up to!

Yes - my cousin isn’t autistic and she’s often said to me how much she hates people calling to her house without phoning first. Unless you’ve already established with someone that you’re ok with them doing this it’s not really acceptable. Phoning or texting first to see if it’s convenient is just basic politeness - whether people are autistic or not. 

You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for. It’s not acceptable for anyone to just turn up  like that.  Could I suggest that your partner obviously with you speaks to them and tries to explain just how much this affects you. It’s more than likely a generational thing with them and their view of autism. They need some schooling!

Thanks for your input and everyone, it's much appreciated and helps me. 

Thanks for your input and everyone, it's much appreciated and helps me. 

Thanks for your input and everyone, it's much appreciated and makes me realise I'm not crazy. 

The waiting thing... I have a close friend that I frequently correspond with via a private messaging app (a bit like e-mail). When it's her turn to reply, she will often send me a courtesy message informing me that she will reply properly the next day. The next day comes and no message. Sometimes many days can pass before she actually gets around to sending a proper reply. She's a great friend and I've known her for 30+ years, but it does frustrate and disappoint me when I've spent the day looking forward to a reply that hasn't materialised. 

I often think that non autistic people also have requirements ("I'd prefer if you didn't just turn up out of the blue") and some don't need to explain this away.  I wonder why we feel the need to have to explain ourselves. If boundaries are assertively set, everyone knows where they stand and there's more respect. 

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/.../Assertiveness

Ah! I might look into this polytunnel. I love potatoes.

At some point years ago I discovered the difference between "Passive Waiting" and "Active Waiting". This was a nice discovery.

After learning about these I refuse to wait without a reason. None of us should be subjected to a life in continual anticipation. It's stress and stress is meant for fight/flight mode not daily living.  So though my time management skills are horrendous, I've learned more about the art of delegating or appropriating tasks for various moments. Fiction, newsprint, sudoku are all enjoyable ways of mindless engaging during passive waiting which I don't mind being interrupted over. So they are good for the train. Or waiting on a friend. But other things like work and things I'm studying are given uninterrupted space I'm quite protective of. Little measures taken like these have really helped with life.

I do not appreciate individuals expecting me to just 'wait' without them giving me a set time frame and what I should expect. I've experienced enough of this with how males can treat females, as if their time and worth is disposable. Women will wait indefinitely for men and can end up just watching a clock while their lives pass them by. I've suffered that a few short times and now find it entirely disrespectful. Or perhaps aggravating and stressful enough to do something about it and reach new precepts about how I've decided to live my life! :)

The Polytunnel is for growing potatoes off-season.

I do call my Artist Friend before I head over to his, but on Monday I came over just whenever he came back from shopping at Lidl.

Waiting is a forced exercise for me. My skin creeps in anticipation. My whole life seems like waiting, and being told to take my time. 

Gosh. You may have to fill in the blanks for me here! I do this sometimes, too & my son reminds me I need to add missing context.

Who do you want to visit with? Who isn't giving you a response? Does it happen often? I don't quite know what a polytunnel is or how it's assembled (a literal visualisation of this is a long polyester tube like children play in LOL). I'm also lost in what sort of work is happening outside and why there is a coming and going :) 

Usually, I want to visit; and get anxiety whenever I don't get a response. But my old family friend, sorting out the assembly of my Polytunnel, came unexpectedly. He just carries on the work outside, but I wish he would let me know whenever he's coming.

This situation should cause anxiety, it's fv*king chaos. This is incredibly disrespectful and rude to just turn up, uninvited, at whim. It's not the 1950s. Hopefully they don't own the house? 

I read an advice column of someone having a problem of the old owners of their house just turning up at whim. The advice was to answer the door in nothing but a robe/towel. Another idea would be to tell them to help themselves to a brew, and that you're in the middle of work/something, go upstairs and close your door. No confrontation, just exit. 

Are you expected to just drop everything you're in the middle of and entertain them? It's a bit presumptuous. Better to be armed with a different perspective on why no one should be required to apologise. Such as: In the house I was raised in, we don't just "Invade" our relatives. We "Afford" them the "Dignity" of a phone call or make a schedule. Doubtful any Royals just show up uninvited to anything - if they're fans of the royal family. Loads of excellent behaviour to model and "expect" if you simply expect the in-laws to act like the Queen would. 

Unfortunately your partner is involved. Best you could do is buy both of you a book on how to create good boundaries with parents and / or boundaries in all relationships. 

Yes - I don’t like to upset people or be rude to people, and sometimes it’s prevented me from speaking up for myself. As I get older I’ve got better at this though. The key thing is to be extremely polite and friendly when expressing how you feel - but to also be completely firm about not allowing people to be disrespectful to you, or to ignore your right to have boundaries etc. I think that if it’s done calmly and politely then people tend to react in a reasonable way to you expressing your preferences and needs. 
its such an important thing to learn how to do - to assert yourself, to be able to say ‘no’, and to be firm about your boundaries. 

I think that this is a very important message that is worded well.

The ability to say no, because you have set a boundary, and not have to justify it is an important skill. In truth, I’m still learning how to do this too. Often we can put the desires of others before our own comfort and needs, but I’m learning that this isn’t compromise or negotiation- instead it is just me caving and prioritising others over myself. But for something like this, potentially the pressure is on others to respect your rights, not on you having to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable in order to meet their expectations/ views on what is ‘right or wrong’. I don’t like to comment on someone else’s situation and hope I haven’t overstepped or misunderstood the situation, but I can relate to having to explain why I ask for certain adaptations in life, when actually because of the reasonableness of the adaptations, I really don’t have to explain or justify. It should just be accepted, because I have the right to choose.

I like the way this comment was worded and put forwards though, as it seems like a really diplomatic and fair way of addressing the situation.

This does seem like it possibly comes from a place of ignorance, do you think that they would be open to being educated to become more autism aware?

You have a right to set your own boundaries in your own home. I would so discuss this with your partner - presumably she understands your needs and how important they are to you as an autistic person. Then maybe the two of you can politely and respectfully explain to your In Laws that in future you’d like them to phone first before visiting. It is an entirely normal thing to request that they do this - and you definitely don’t need to feel bad about requesting this. You have a right to set your own boundaries my friend :) 

Hi there, I feel your anguish. You are able to express yourself well in writing, is this an option to communicate with your in-laws? Explain the issue and how makes you feel in a letter or email. This is very powerful when in written form as they can't ignore it as easily. It sounds like good old fashioned ignorance on their part, even rudeness. Your home, even if it is shared, is your sanctuary and this needs respecting. Your partner really needs to step up here, she cannot sit back and allow this to happen if she really has your back. She needs to rethink her priorities. I would suggest that you outline clearly what you are comfortable with for visiting, be clear and firm about the arrangements. It takes two parties to build a relationship and they should be doing all they can to support you and their daughter. Best wishes.

Same for me. Instant panic attack if someone I don't know is anywhere near me especially at home. It's like if we get a delivery and I'm the only one home I'll just pretend I'm not in and hope they leave it outside or drop it over the fence. Never ever answer the door to anyone.