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Unexpected & Unplanned

NAS75473

Hi, 

I'm looking for some advise on how to deal with a situation I'm in, I really struggle when things are not planned or even sometimes if they are planned it can be difficult. 

So the other day my in laws decided to just turn up at my house whilst my partner was out, nothing was planned. I said you can't turn up like this without planning it in advance they said don't be stupid and preceded to enter my house they brought there 2 dogs and my partner arrived shortly after. They are aware of my needs but seem to ignore them my issue is they've since been talking behind my back to my partner saying that they don't want to talk to me again as I'm rude and they seem to think you shouldnt have to make an appointment or plan to come and see us. This whole situation has been causing me anxiety and having been able to focus. 

I've tried reaching out to them explaining my situation and they are not interested unless I apologies the problem is this may and probably will happen again as 99% of my days are planned and routine so apologing may fix it now but not in the future

What would be your advice to approach this situation? and how to respond? 

To add I am not good speaking to people direct I usually need someone on behalf like my partner although she doesn't want to. 

Parents

  • You have a right to set your own boundaries in your own home. I would so discuss this with your partner - presumably she understands your needs and how important they are to you as an autistic person. Then maybe the two of you can politely and respectfully explain to your In Laws that in future you’d like them to phone first before visiting. It is an entirely normal thing to request that they do this - and you definitely don’t need to feel bad about requesting this. You have a right to set your own boundaries my friend :) 

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    I think that this is a very important message that is worded well.

    The ability to say no, because you have set a boundary, and not have to justify it is an important skill. In truth, I’m still learning how to do this too. Often we can put the desires of others before our own comfort and needs, but I’m learning that this isn’t compromise or negotiation- instead it is just me caving and prioritising others over myself. But for something like this, potentially the pressure is on others to respect your rights, not on you having to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable in order to meet their expectations/ views on what is ‘right or wrong’. I don’t like to comment on someone else’s situation and hope I haven’t overstepped or misunderstood the situation, but I can relate to having to explain why I ask for certain adaptations in life, when actually because of the reasonableness of the adaptations, I really don’t have to explain or justify. It should just be accepted, because I have the right to choose.

    I like the way this comment was worded and put forwards though, as it seems like a really diplomatic and fair way of addressing the situation.

Reply
  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    I think that this is a very important message that is worded well.

    The ability to say no, because you have set a boundary, and not have to justify it is an important skill. In truth, I’m still learning how to do this too. Often we can put the desires of others before our own comfort and needs, but I’m learning that this isn’t compromise or negotiation- instead it is just me caving and prioritising others over myself. But for something like this, potentially the pressure is on others to respect your rights, not on you having to do something that makes you feel uncomfortable in order to meet their expectations/ views on what is ‘right or wrong’. I don’t like to comment on someone else’s situation and hope I haven’t overstepped or misunderstood the situation, but I can relate to having to explain why I ask for certain adaptations in life, when actually because of the reasonableness of the adaptations, I really don’t have to explain or justify. It should just be accepted, because I have the right to choose.

    I like the way this comment was worded and put forwards though, as it seems like a really diplomatic and fair way of addressing the situation.

Children
  • in reply to Deleted User

    Yes - my cousin isn’t autistic and she’s often said to me how much she hates people calling to her house without phoning first. Unless you’ve already established with someone that you’re ok with them doing this it’s not really acceptable. Phoning or texting first to see if it’s convenient is just basic politeness - whether people are autistic or not. 

  • in reply to Oakling

    I often think that non autistic people also have requirements ("I'd prefer if you didn't just turn up out of the blue") and some don't need to explain this away.  I wonder why we feel the need to have to explain ourselves. If boundaries are assertively set, everyone knows where they stand and there's more respect. 

    www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/.../Assertiveness

  • in reply to Oakling

    Yes - I don’t like to upset people or be rude to people, and sometimes it’s prevented me from speaking up for myself. As I get older I’ve got better at this though. The key thing is to be extremely polite and friendly when expressing how you feel - but to also be completely firm about not allowing people to be disrespectful to you, or to ignore your right to have boundaries etc. I think that if it’s done calmly and politely then people tend to react in a reasonable way to you expressing your preferences and needs. 
    its such an important thing to learn how to do - to assert yourself, to be able to say ‘no’, and to be firm about your boundaries.